Morris the matchmaker told a single woman he had found her a husband.
"I'm sorry to bring this up," he said,
"but he wants to make sure that you are compatible in bed.
He has asked for... a sample."
The woman was shocked.
"Such a thing you ask a virtuous woman?
Such a crude person would suggest such a thing?
He's no gentleman.
What kind of a woman does he think I am?
" The matchmaker, struggling not to lose his fee, said,
"He's a businessman. He buys goods, he sells goods.
To him, it's no big deal... just a sample."
She thought a moment.
"So he's a businessman, eh?
Then tell him I don't give samples.
But if he wants, I can give him fifty references!"
One day a man came home from work
earlier than usual and caught his wife
in bed with his best friend.
Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun
and shot his friend to death.
His wife said,"Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."
The Hypnotist at the Senior Citzens Centre
It was entertainment night at the seniors centre
and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people
up here to be put into a trance, I will hypnotize the audience.
"The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you all to keep youreye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been inmy family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gentlyback
and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...
"The crowd became mesmerized as
the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming
off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
Sh*t!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three weeks to clean up the seniors centre.