Welcome to edition 54
Footy is over for the weekend
One week to go and its the finals and the Eagles are looking
to finish second on the ladder to earn a home final
Docker fans have crawled back in their hole
Keith Richards .......UNDRUGGED
AUSTRALIAN BUSH ETIQUETTE [wish Ihad known some of this before I went to Queensland]
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.
1. When decanting wine from the cask, tilt the paper cup
and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no;
it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman
it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested:
"I've been wanting to go out with you ever since
I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back home will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday."
If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to withdraw from the date ASAP. THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered to be out of place).
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if your guns are loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roobar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
[Thanks Peter Pelham]
A giant panda gave birth to a cub in an Austrian zoo last Thursday,
Europe's first such event in 25 years (the last one was born in Madrid in 1982).
Giant pandas are notoriously loathe to breed in captivity.
Females typically ovulate just once a year for a few days.
The new born cub weighs just 100 grams (3.5 ounces)
and measuring 10 cm (3.9 inches).
The panda was born without artificial insemination
and that is extremely rare.
About 40 percent of baby pandas did not live beyond a year.
In the above picture the mother is carrying her baby in her mouth.
A widowed lady was sunbathing on a Perth beach.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach," she continued. "Do you come here often?"
"First time since my wife passed away two years ago,"
he replied, and returned to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that.
My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely.
Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he said, "over in Floreat Park.
"Still trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted:
"Sir, do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, jumped on her,
pulled off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate time of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
"And I'd like to know how you knew my name was Katz."
Some dumb blonde sent this to me
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals,
Women are smarter than men
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
So, one evening he went to a singles bar where
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and,
Women are so much smarter than men.
Why We Like The British*
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed hishouse." (The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot
issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle
A list of announcements that London
Tube train drivers have actually made
to their passengers . . . . . .
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize
for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my
ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross
over to the Westbound and go in the opposite
"Your delay this evening is caused by the
line controller suffering from E & B syndrome:
not knowing his elbow from his
backside. I'll let you know any further information
as soon as I'm given any."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey
coat trying to get on the second carriage -
what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
A Scotsman walking through a field,
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)
[thanks Jim King]
Following are three music videos
Welsh Singer...Paul Childs