Phils Phun

62

Guess what tomorrow is!!

With one wek to go in the footy finals we are down to the last two teams
Grand final next week is between Geelong Cats and Port Power [South Aussie team]
Never thought I would barrack for a Melbourne team in this competion
Go Cats [Geelong's not really in Melbourne anyway]

POLAR BEAR LIFE IN THE ZOO

He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her
and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,
"Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration' she answered:
"Yes, yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled.
Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?
He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall, not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?"
He was delighted to hear her say,
"Why, I said, 'yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued,
"And I am so glad that you called,
because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS??

MUSICAL

Anyone know who this is?

Now, I know India beat Australia last night in the 20/20

version of cricket

But here is a funny picture of that up himself batsmen from India

Sachin Tendulkar

THEME PARTY
One weekend, there was a costume party at a mental hospital,

and the theme of the party was "war".
The first patient comes up onto the stage and says, "I am an atomic bomb."

He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I am a hydrogen bomb."

Again, there is a round of applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite."

Everybody in the audience runs away hysterically.
When one of the mental patients was asked why they all ran away, he replied,

"Didn't you see how short his fuse was?"
[pinched from Miss Cellania]

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Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session,

she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.

.. a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him,

"How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy .. . you explain the kids."

[thanks Joan Andony]

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The girl of my dreams..a Teddy Bear lover!!!

Talking dog
A young farm lad from Tennessee goes off to college,
but about 1/3 ofthe way through the semester,
he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his daddy.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!
Why, they actually have a program here at the University of Tennessee
that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 waythrough the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this -
they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented
a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father,
"No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem.
At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still messin'around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father says,
"I hope you SHOT that son of a b*#@ before he talks toyour Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)

-----------------------------------
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
However,their conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this,the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do u do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them", replied the lawyer,
"and then i send them a bill".
The doctor was shocked,but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty,
the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox,
he found a bill from the lawyer.

DO YOUR BIT

Good news for us Molly dukers
Left-handers on roll as numbers triple
Left-handedness has reached record levels,
with a more than three fold rise over the past century in the proportion
of those using their left hand to write.
A large-scale historical study of handwriting down the ages by academics
at University College London (UCL) has found that the proportion
of left-handers has gone up from 3%
among those born more than 100 years ago to 11% today.
Chris McManus, professor of psychology at UCL,
said the surge in left-handedness
may be due to a reduction in attempts to coerce naturally left-handed children
into using their right hands.
McManus’s team have reinforced the theory that left-handedness
is growing by analysing film shot about 1900
which shows that only 16% of those living at the beginning of the 20th century
used their left arms to wave, compared with about 24% of people today.
Previously experts had suggested severe discrimination against “gibble-fists”
in the 18th and 19th centuries might have caused their numbers to fall -
before left-handed numbers picked up again
as the fashion for coercing left-handers faded in the latter 20th century.
Even into the 1960s some schoolchildren’s left hands
were tied behind their backs to ensure they wrote with their right.

[ed.. Ihad a teacher in Grade one who used to rap left handers
on the knuckles with a ruler and then stand over you to intimidate you
Didn't work I'm still a molly duker]

Two men were hunting in the woods.
One was a fanatic who hunted as often as possible.
His friend was hunting for the first time.
He didn't want to hurt anything.
After a couple hours, they saw deer tracks.
They soon caught up with the deer.
The deer was slow because it had a terrible infection in one eye.
The eye was swollen closed.
The hunter lifted his gun to shoot the deer.
But his friend begged him to stop.
"Can't you see ...
... that's a bad eye deer?"

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How I met my wife