Phils Phun

74
It has been a fairly dull week with just work, work,work
Have adjusted to getting up early[Daylight Saving]
Looking forward to the weekend

Some of you may have seen this

It is inspiring

Worlds Strongest Man

The long arm of the Law

Hampshire Police have embarked on a Neighbourhood Watch Program

They perhaps should have been more careful in placing this ad on the back of a bus

Notice where the exhaust pipe is situated

Small but tough

VW armoured car

Phone Bollard

I've heard of Cowboys and Indians

But, Police and Indians!!!!

Joke for all you school teachers
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel,

where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.Jeff showed them to their room,

all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy!

Nurses are known to be hot to trot.

"The second man married a telephone operator.Jeff showed them to their room,

while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude.

Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.

"The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself,

"Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work.

He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute,

but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.

Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door,

Jeff stepped back in shock.

The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied.

"All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying,

'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.

"The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m.

and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast.

Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible.

When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock.

The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise.

"Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned.

"All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying,

'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'.

"Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room.

When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock.

The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess,

and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst.

"Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied,

"No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher.

All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying,

'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."

Here is a real treat for you

Whilst I was trolling around You Tube I came across this classic

It is Mike Nesmith [Monkees fame] and one of his hits...Joanne

It features one of my all time favourite actors and his wife ...Joanne

Hope you like it as much as I did

Mike Nesmith.....Joanne

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

"Now can I have mybeer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman,

"sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus aren't you?,

I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks theduck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused and says...

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?
[Golden Oldie...Thanks David Jamieson]

Dunce

No chance of a "receit" I suppose

I went to the cemetery yesterday,
there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.
3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself :
"These buggers have lost the plot"
[Thanks Paul Grubb]

-----

Lemon Suicide

THE RED HAT

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding

her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, 'Pardon me, madam.

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress

is blowing up in this high wind?'

'Yes, I know,' said the lady. 'I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.'

'But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties

and your privates are exposed!' said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,

'Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!!!'

--------------------------------------------------------

40 Year Old Curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse
he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says,
“Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used
to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation,
“I now pronounce you man and wife.”
That’s a curse no wizard can dispel.

Ask any man,
and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy
is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study,
it appears that most men do not realize that in the fantasy,
one man is cooking
and the other is cleaning.

Together we can save the Whale

Being Australian

BEING STRAYLYAN

At last, a yardstick by which you can measure an "Australian"

For those of you who haven't met an Australian

and are not sure what one is REALLY like!

You're not Australian 'til...

1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad, Australian accent, eg. "push off, ya flamin' drongo!"

2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden makes the better car! 3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the ocean back to your towel.

4) You know who Ray Martin is.

5) You start using words like "reckon" and "g’day" and call people "mate".

6) You stop greeting people with "hello" and go straight to the "how ya doin'?"

7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of Ugg Boots

8) You own a pair of ugg boots.

9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.

10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but don't know what "girt" means. 11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption of alcohol and a mate named "Dave".

12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest day of the year.

13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you can fly.

14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off the clothes line pretending you can fly.

15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair of "dress thongs" for special occasions.

16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care.

17) You pronounce Australia as "Stralya"

18) You call soccer soccer, not football

19) You've squeezed Vegemite through vita wheat to make little Vegemite worms.

20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.

21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get away with wearing Speedos.

22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite. (DEFINITELY)

23) You understand the value of public holidays.