Phils Phun

83

Managed a day off today, and spent all morning and most of the afternoon,
filling a skip bin with collected rubbish and tree loppings
Amazingly, Ican now venture part way into my shed

Good advice
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As per usual we will start with a couple of amusing videos

This first one is Hilarious and is some Aussie Yobbo's involved with

Drambuie Market Research

[Warning contains some coarse language]

This next video is doing the rounds of blog sites at present and is based on that TV show

Are you smarter than a 3rd grader

This video clip will be of interest to all of my Aussie readers

It shows the young cop during burnouts in his police car in rural Western Australia

GORILLA LANGUAGE
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day,
when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye.
As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars,
and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper.
Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid
means "screw you" in gorilla language.
The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats,
two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it.

The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same.

Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife,

looked at his own crotch,

looked at the man,

and pulled down his eyelid.

Some Cartoons

Gavin was walking along the High Street of his shire

when a right English rain began to tumble down.

Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number of pints,

and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour.

Meandering in the cold, Gavin decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry,

so he stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo. Getting home at long last, Gavin put the curry on the kitchen table

while and went to the bathroom to freshen up.

Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and,

hungry and bored, decided to take the temptation to task.

Myum myum. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick.

The vindaloo vanished.

Sure enough, Gavin returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus

fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.

Gavin grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin.

"You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted.

Filling a trash can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down,

keeping it weighted down with bricks.

Returning to his abode, Gavin started to feel very sorry for himself.

A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window,

and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.

The cat looked at him and asked,

"You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"

The Alphabet in pictures [although American, still pretty clever]

Stress test:
There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:
King Kong,

Ape,

Orangutan

and a Monkey pass by.

They have a competition to see Who is the fastest to get the banana.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is ....

Orangutan = Flippen Stupid

Ape = You Fool

Monkey = You are an idiot

King Kong = stupid

Why ?????

Coconut trees, doesn't have bananas .........??

It's obvious you're stressed by your work. Go home!

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How to beat stress [I love the last one..Phil]

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can't push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once .

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp , some are pretty and some are dull .

Some have weird names , and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box . *A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Look like Poms to me

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man

standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps

on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him,

he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I`m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, `Guess who?`"

"But why?" asks the man

."I`m a divorce lawyer," the man replies!

Some more good advice

Coming soon to a beach near you!!!

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"BUGGER!" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary....."
Thanks to Megan Alchin from Meekatharra for this and also Chris Bone

This is a genuine mistake made in Ireland
This was actually sold in the supermarkets

- until they twigged!!

thanks Josie Jamieson

Beer for toads: "Ken Ritchie never thought he'd see the day a cane toad would be worth its weight in beer - let alone two. But the day has come, with Tom Hedley, Australia's biggest private hotel owner and one of Queensland's richest men, throwing his support behind plans to introduce a beer-for-a-bag-of-toads bounty. "Hell, I'll give them two beers," said Mr Hedley, who also owns and drinks at his favourite watering hole the Red Beret. "As far as I am concerned they're pests and a nuisance to society. If offering a beer for a bag of toads is one way to wipe them out once and for all then I am all for it." The RSPCA welcomed the multi-millionaire's backing, saying the proposal could be modelled on a similar beer-for-a-toad bounty run in the Northern Territory. "How it worked in Darwin is they brought in the toads to the RSPCA to be humanely euthanised and they were then issued a voucher to get a beer - with a daily limit on the number of beers," said RSPCA spokesman Michael Beatty."

There was once a Sheep Farmer who needed help with his farm ...

especially, the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the Females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker

was just about to throw away the severed, "parts",

when the Sheep Farmer yelled, "No -- Don't throw those away -- "

My Wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're delicious, and we call them 'Sheep Fries." Later that day, the French hired-hand came in for supper and, indeed,

he thought that the "Sheep Fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 Sheep, and that evening they all settled down to another supper of "Sheep Fries".

On the third day, however, when the Sheep Farmer came in for supper, he asked his wife where the French hired-hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said.

"I told Him that since there weren't that many 'Sheep Fries' this evening,

we were also going to have French Fries ...

and he ran like his ass was on fire!"

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART! Why WALMART???WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

While driving during a horrible snowstorm, a young blonde became disoriented and lost. She remembered what her father had once told her. ”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plough and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plough for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ”Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-MartShopping Center and rolled down the car windows to makesure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She wasstretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impressupon her that she must remain there.I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at thecar and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hearme?" "Stay! Stay!"The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put itin park?"

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on oneof its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they hadphotographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set itfree. "Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be akindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so thatit would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed thedoctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."

A butcher just out of trade school applies for and gets a job innorthwest America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer.He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and markingthem with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc.When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pileof unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, hefinally puts them all into one bag and labels them....."moosellanious