Thursday, December 6, 2007

84
Yes. its that time again for the Thursday night Blog
It has been a fairly normal week with early December weather extremely cool
after one of the hottest Novembers for awhile


I got my name in lights with notcelebrity.co.uk

To put you in a nice frame of mind for the weekend here are two amusing videos

This first one many of you may have seen already, as its been around for sometime

But it is still funny

The Freakin Brothers



Next is a humourous Greenpeace promo



Sunshine - video powered by Metacafe




International Farming Analysis
TRADITIONAL AUSTRALIAN FARMING:
* You have two sheep.* You sell one and buy a ram. * Your flock multiplies,
and the economy grows. You buy out your neighbours.
* You sell the lot and retire on the income.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: * You have two sheep. * You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.* You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION: * You have two sheep.* You go on strike because you want three sheep.
JAPANESE CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep and produce 20 times the wool. * You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and market them worldwide.
GERMAN CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and shear themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* Both die from foot and mouth.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:* You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are. * You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* You count them and learn you have five sheep.* You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep. * You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.* You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:* You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you. * You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* You have 300 people shearing them.* You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:* You have two sheep.* That one on the below is kinda cute...


Think Small


Former leader of France Jacques Chirac used to think he was one of the the funniest man in Europe after launching his tirade against the state of British cuisine.
But the truth is that some of the funniest jokes are about the French...
Q: Why do French men have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.
Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered the city in World War II?
A: "Table for 100,000 M'sieur?"
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. Chirac. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
Q: How do you say: "Give me liberty or give me death" in French?
A: I give up.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.
Q: What do you get when a grenade is thrown into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blownapart.
Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.
Q: Where is the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.



80 year old marries for 4th time
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'


Cartoons






I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left allthe time.
It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.
For years, he refused. told me I was crazy,
but last week, he finally went.
Sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was a quarter inch shorter than his right.
A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, hewas cured,
and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.
"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said,
"I stand corrected."


Confused Chickens










This quite long but very funny
Gotta hand it to those Kiwi's
A NEW ZEALAND DRIVER STRIKES BACK
First a letter from the police and then a reply
Ref: 115223
MANAGER WORLD XCHANGE COMMUNICATIONS LTD
PO BOX 3296 SHORTLAND STREET AUCKLAND
Dear Sir/Madam
Records indicate that you are the owner of a Holden - regulation number CBH858.
On Friday, 10 June 2005 your vehicle was seen exceeding the speed limit at
the junction of Shortland Street and Fields Lane, Auckland.
Evasive action taken by pedestrians.
This incident took place at about 1:15 PM and has been reported to the police
by way of the Community Roadwatch program.
You may not have been the driver at the time and
even if you were you may feel that the driving was not in any way risky.
However another person was sufficiently alarmed by the driving
to report the matter to the Police.
The other person's perception was that the way your vehicle was driven
at that time was not safe.
If you were not the driver at the time, we would ask that you bring this
matter to the driver's attention.
Yours sincerely,
Inspector Matt Fitzsimons
Officer in Charge: Police Infringement Bureau Safer Communities Together
NEW ZEALAND POLICE COMMUNITY ROADWATCH PROGRAMME,
PO BOX 9147,
WELLINGTON
FAX: (04) 384 8848.
PHONE: (04) 381 0046
And his reply
21st June 2005
Officer in Charge Police Infringement Bureau New Zealand Police
PO Box 9147 Wellington Attention
: Inspector Matt Fitzsimons
Dear Sir.
RE: Police advice Ref 11 5223
Thank you for your recent letter dated June 15Ih, 2005.
I appreciate that you are only following up on a report from a member of the public
but I feel the need to set the record straight as I have been driving for the past
25 years all over the world without incident and class myself as generally a good driver.
Yes, I have had a few speeding tickets during this time,
but that doesn't necessarily detract from a person's driving abilities.
I was indeed the driver of this Holden.
I clearly remember this incident because it happened on the eve of my 40Ih birthday
and I remember thinking that it was a miracle that I had made it to this milestone
despite there being numerous stupid people out there.
My car is an HSV Avalanche, which is a two tonne 300KW 5.7L V8 4WD Holden station wagon with a performance braking package fitted to it.
Whenever this car is driven, the minimum forward lighting on it is the halogen driving lights that sit below the front grill -this being necessary because of the large number of dickhead drivers on the Auckland motorway system.
On the afternoon of June l0th, my wife and I were on our way to
Auckland International airport to pick up some friends who had flown over for my 40Ih birthday party that was being held the next day.
We were making a quick detour to my company offices when the incident occurred.
I was already in the process of turning my car right into
Fields Lane from the western side of Shortland Street (Queen Street end)
when I was first introduced to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass 6
who both simply stepped off the footpath to cross Fields Lane right in front of me.
At this particular point in time we now had said two tonne car,
with it's lights and right hand indicator on,
having complete right of way after giving way to the appropriate vehicle traffic.
We also now had two clowns who were happily chatting to each other,
completely ignorant of their surroundings, walking down Shortland Street (south side)
and when they reached the curb they simply kept on walking right into my path
without even looking for traffic.
Note that this is not a pedestrian crossing of any kind.
The chances of these two being able to beat a car that was already committed
to turning were about that of Auckland being able to beat Waikato in an NPC rugby match
-slim to none.
As soon as I realised that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B had a deathwish,
I hit the car horn and the brakes at the same time.
The three air horns which are located on the front left side of the car (the very solid, pointy corner closest to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B) hit a single,
beautiful note at about 100 decibels.
Now 100 decibels is about 20 decibels louder than the Sprint Cars
that were deemed "too loud" for the Western Springs raceway,
thereby causing it to close because in Auckland at the moment we seem to have an anti-motorsport, politically correct, left leaning, tree hugging,
land-rights-for-gay-whales City Council - but I digress.
Anyway, Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B now looked to the source of the 100dB noise
and in doing so started to realise that stepping out in front of two tonnes of General Motors metal that was bearing down on them at about 30 kmph
with a set of 200W halogen spot lights now burning their retinas
and making the metal on metal sound of a Bosch 5.3 ABS system kicking in onto
a set of 336 x 32mm AP Racing ventilated and grooved front discs with HSV
-embossed twin piston Corvette front callipers (in HRT red) and 315 x 18mm ventilated
and grooved rear discs was perhaps not the smartest move
they have either individually or collectively ever made.
Put simply, they shit themselves & back-pedalled faster than an eight year
old at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch,
I pulled the car up in time, wound the window down and let loose with some brilliant swear words that one can only learn after serving at least 10 years in the Army,
and we all went on our merry way.
I can understand why the guy behind me had a heart murmur because an HSV Avalanche can come to a complete stop from 100KMIH in about 6.3 seconds.
We were both lucky that he didn't hit me as I braked because Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B might have got run over after all.
In order for my car to have supposedly exceeded the 50kmph speed limit that prevails within our fair city as I was making a complete 90 degree right-handed turn,
both the car and my wife and I would have been subjected to lateral G Forces
of around .92 Gs.
I can assure you that had I actually attempted to carry out such a manoeuvre as your letter suggests, my wife would have given me a rather significant slap up side of my head
followed by a not-insignificant lecture and I would have had to spend the rest of the weekend
on the couch.
If you get a chance to talk to which ever one of Dumb Ass A or Dumb Ass B who had the perception "that the way my vehicle was being driven was not safe",
could you ask them if they would much rather have had the number plate of the car
embedded in their skull due to being mowed down as a result of their own stupidity.
You may also wish to point out to this person that just because the City Council
also killed any chance of an Auckland City street race,
that decision didn't also suddenly give pedestrians super-human powers to simply ignore
any of the existing rules in the Road Code.
The fact that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B were able to lodge a complaint with
your office is both a testament to the quality of Holden HSV braking systems
and my own lightning quick reflexes.
I would therefore like to be rewarded for this outstanding display of driving skills
with lower petrol prices and a better corporate tax rate.
Can you see what you could do for me here and please get back to me.
This incident does prove one thing though - in order to have smart people in this world,
you need to have dumb asses by which to gauge them.
Thank you for your time and I am happy to discuss further
Regards,
Paul Clarkin Director,
Operations & Carrier WorldxChange Communications Limited



My First vote for Man of the Year



Ihave posted this before ,but its worth another go..Funny
Never upset a nurse
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around like he did his staff.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers,
"What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses,
"Not with a carnation."

Say "Cheese"


A different slant




Are you a SENIOR CITIZEN! Can you relate to any of these??
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers,
loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs,
politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days,
and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Baby Orangutan and Friend


REALISM
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band,
she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman
"is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."


















AFRICAN ROULETTE
An African ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number,
the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined,
and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said,
"As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you
to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.
One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,
point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people,
and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game,
and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador
was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality,
until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke,
"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
He then led the Russian into the room,
the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members
of one of our tribes.
Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea,
but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?
Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal."


Going to really show my age today
Todays Music Videos are all Australian ClASSICS
First cab off the rank
from 1967 and doing their version of that great Cab Calloway hit
Cherokees....Minnie the Moocher

The next two are New Zealanders who made it big in Australa
Max Merritt and the Meteors.....Slippin Away
And the Queen of the Mods Dinah Lee
Seen here performing at the 2002 Long way to the Top Concert
and sounding as good as ever
Dinah Lee Don't you know Yockomo [1963]
Reet Petite [1964]



Quote for today


[thanks Josie Jamieson]




Funny Beer Ad
click on pointer

video

No comments: