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Some words of wisdom

YOU MIGHT BE A TALIBAN IF...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than... setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own many.

11. You bathe at least monthly, whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

Pepsi and Bears

Here's a Pepsi Ad that was banned

Don't know why.

Looks pretty tame to me

Kevin Rudd - the Educator

Acting as a pro-education preacher Prime Minister Kevin Rudd makes many stops at grade schools where he poses for pictures, while reading to kids or chatting with them in class.

At one photo-op stop, a teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Kevin Rudd chimed in, possibly trying to make the teacher's lesson clearer.

He said: "Now, children, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it,

and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," one of the girls said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow at the back of the room shouted,

"'Cause your feet aren't empty."

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They are not the only ones

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the farmer was going to bring yet another bull

onto the farm, and this prospect raised a discussion among them.

1st Bull: "Boys, we all know I have been here for five years.

Once we settled our differences,we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine.

I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

2nd Bull: "That pretty much says it for me too. I've been here for three years

and have earned my right to the 50 cows we have agreed are mine.

I'll fight him off or kill him, but I'm keeping all my cows."

3rd Bull: "I've only been here a year and so far you guys have

only let me have 10 cows to take care of.

I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile,

so I simplymust keep all my cows."

They had just finished their big talk when a big 18-wheeler

pulls up in the middle of the paddock with only one animal in it.

It was the biggest son-of-another-bull these guys hadever seen.

At 2000 kg, each step he took the ground strained the steel ramp to breakingpoint.

1st Bull: "Ahem...you know, it's actually been some time since I was doing all my cows justice. Anyway, I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

2nd Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite side

of the paddock from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at there young friend, the third bull, and find him

pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

1st Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick.

Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

3rd Bull: "Hell he can have all my cows.

I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

A fishing boat is working the North Sea,

when suddenly it starts shipping water.

It puts out a Mayday message:

"Help! Help! We are sinking!"

A few minutes back the reply comes through:

"Zis is ze German coastguard.

Vot are you sinking about?"

There are more Catholic churches than casinos in Las Vegas.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips

rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos,

the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Benedictine monastery for sorting.

Then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.





Bullseye

Music

Two great cover versions of the Chuck Berry classic
Roll over Beethoven

Electric Light Orchestra

The Beatles

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded,

staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it,

the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke,

“If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler

and in his best cowboy manner says,

“Nah, go ahead.”
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place

and starts spooning in it with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.
The old cowboy lifts his head up and looks the younger man straight in the eyes,

and quietly says,

“Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

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Cartoons

Q. What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac and a blonde?

The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?

"The nymphomania says, "You're done already?

"The blonde says, "Beige ... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Stolen from It occurred to me