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Last year I entered the City to Surf Marathon.
The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners.
It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me.
He said, "Hey Mate, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
So I dropped out of the race.



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Sexual Technique to Make Your Wife Wild with Desire!!
Between being married a long time, and also being a man,
I can tell you blokes that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon.
Its not difficult
Try this

Wet Hands
Yes, it is the wet hands technique.
Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article.
So simple.
So exciting.
You will leave her breathless.
• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid.
Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh.
There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit.
It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water
and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
.Now you repeat the process until all the dirty dishes are clean,
works like a treat

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I just love this
Revenge is sweet

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A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
***
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say --
talk in your sleep.
***
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks,
'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


A penguin walks into a bar
Penguin "Have you seen my brother?
Barman "No, What does he look like!"


Cartoons......Penguins

Check out the penguin dance.

Some penguin jokes:

Q: What do little penguins sing when their father brings fish home for dinner?

A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

Q: Why are penguins good race drivers?

A: Because they're always in the pole position.

Q: How does a penguin make pancakes?

A: With its flippers.

Q: Why did the penguin cross the road ?

A: To go with the floe

Q. Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?

A: Because they don't have pockets.



Some penguin facts:

• There are 17 different kinds of penguins, and they all live in the southern hemisphere

.• Penguins are birds that do not fly. Their wings serve as flippers, which they use to swim through the water. The only time penguins are airborne is when they leap out of the water.

• Most penguins can swim about 15 miles per hour.

• Rockhopper penguins build their nests onsteep rocky areas. To get there, they holdboth feet together and bounce from ledge to ledge. These birds can bounce up to 5 feet.

• They are warm blooded, just like people with a normal body temperature of about 100 degrees F

.• Penguins don't live near freshwater -- at least none that isn't frozen.

Instead they drink salt water.

They have a special gland in their bodies that takes the salt out of the water they drink and pushes it out of grooves in their bill.

• Penguins are found in Antarctica, South Africa, Australia, and New Zealand.

Elsewhere, they are only found in zoos.

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The first violin in the local philharmonic had a friend who played the cello.

The friend, who was quite good, wanted to audition for the philharmonic.

There was an opening,

but auditions were hard to arrange.

So he went to the violinist and asked for help.

Said his friend, "Don't worry about it.
I'll pull some strings."
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There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi.

The only food he had to sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep,

and it tasted so bad that he could barely drink it.

As a result, Yorgi became thin and sickly.
One day, he met his friend Vladimir.

Vladimir was a poor shepherd like himself, but he was hearty and healthy.

Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep’s milk too,

but he let him on a secret:

a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell that makes sheep’s milk

taste as sweet as the richest cream.

Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did willingly.
Sure enough,

Yorgi’s sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever tasted.

Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the litre.

He milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain.

Yorgi realized that he couldn’t make his sheep suffer like that,

so he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep’s milk.
Now, there’s no ewes crying over spelled milk.



stolen from Archies Archive

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See if you can find the nude dude on the beach

click on the link below
http://www.whereisnudedude.com.au/

Thanks Brett

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Merry Christmas

Thanks Geoff

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Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable sex doll.

Guy behind the counter says,

‘Male or female?’

Customer says, ‘Female’

Counter guy asks,

‘Black or white?’

Customer says, ‘White’

Counter guy asks,

‘Christian or Muslim?’

Customer says, ‘What the hell does religion have to do with it?’

Counter guy says,

‘The Muslim one blows itself up’.

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Concentrate

Is it moving????

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High Density living in Hong Kong

Music

Ithink we've had enough of Roy Orbison for awhile.

Is it just me or are there no great instrumental hits these days.

The 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's saw many great instrumental hits.

Over the next few blogs Iwill post a few I like .
Stranger on the Shore......Acker Bilk

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.