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Happy St Patricks Day 2010

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"As the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective.

They announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons.

So if you're drug addict or a felon, you're not welcomed in the Australian Army.

The good news:

There's always Parliament, the AFL, and the Media

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Those Funny Animals

I love Gummy Bears



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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,

they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock..

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,

'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,

I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull,

and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town

to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says,

'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her

that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck

and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,

then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull,

the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,

'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.

'The operator shakes his head.

'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer

to your pickup truck and drive out here

to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word'comfortable?'

The brunette explains,

'My sister's blonde.

The word is big. She'll read it very slowly....

'com-for-da-bul.'

thanks Josie J

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Wow! That's some motor bike.

Doesn't the cowbell look cute

I think they're heading to WalMart!!!
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On the border of Russia and Poland there's a small forest.

Half of the forest belongs to a Russian farmer,

while the other half belongs to a Polish man

.One day, while out for a walk in the woods,

the Russian man comes across a wolf caught in a trap.

He rushes back to his house and calls his Polish neighbor

."There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."

"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Polish farmer asked

."Well," the Russian replied,

"he's already chewed off three ofhis legs and he's still trapped."

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OOPS!!!

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A woman went to the doctor asking for larger breasts.

The doctor gave her the choice of either having implants

or wearing a magic bra.

"When you flap your arms up and down, the bra inflates," the doctor explained.

Of course, the women chose the bra.

The next day she was out at a bar with girlfriends

and noticed an attractive man sitting at the end of the bar.

Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man

and he started flapping his legs

"I see we have the same doctor," the man said
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Toyota in Scotland


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A blonde went to the market one day to buy penny candy for her kids.

She selected an assortment of hard candy

and one of taffeys and asked the storekeeper,

"How much is it?"

"14 cents," answered the storekeeper, after quickly counting up the pieces

."14 cents! For what?" asked the blonde.

The storekeeper explained,

"The 7 pieces of hard candy cost 7 cents,

while the 14 taffeys, which are on special,

'Buy one, Get one Free'are another 7 cents

. So together it comes to 14 cents."

"I know different!" replied the blonde, indignantly

. "7 + 7 is 11."

"What?" said the storekeeper

."7 + 7 is 11!" replied the blonde emphatically

."How do you come to that?" asked the storekeeper

"I had 4 children by my first husband, before he died.

Then I married a second time,

and my second husband also had 4 children, from his first wife

Then, after we were married, we had 3 children together."

"So, each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11 children.

So,obviously, 7 + 7 is 11."

The shopkeeper gave her the candy for 11 cents.

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John Fogerty

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stolen from KeesKennis
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How the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work,

He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer,

Your family blames the Tobacco company.
If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,

He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are Brats without manners,

You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman,

You blame the gun manufacturer..
And if a crazed person breaks Into the cockpit and Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,

And the passengers Kill him instead,

The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,

I want all of you to Blame Bill Gates.

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Heart of Gratitude!!!

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet.

He held up a sign which said:

"I am blind, please help."

There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by.

He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat.

He then took the sign, turned it around,

and wrote some words.

He put the sign back so that everyone

who walked by would see the new words.
Soon the hat began to fill up.

A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.

That afternoon the man who had changed the sign

came to see how things were.

The boy recognized his footsteps and asked,

"Were you the one who changed my sign this morning?

What did you write?"

The man said,

"I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."
I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it.."
Both signs told people that the boy was blind.

But the first sign simply said the boy was blind.

The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind.

Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story:

Be thankful for what you have..

Be creative.

Be innovative.

Think differently and positively.
The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling

thanks Liz Z


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PHILS PHILOSPHY

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