312

Judith Durham on Rockwiz last year

She's still the best

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Paddy Murphy was sent on his way to Heaven.

Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry Paddy' St Peter said;

'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls

and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam

for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.

' 'That's alright' said Paddy.

'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter

. 'Which are?' asked Paddy.

St Peter said,

'The 1st question is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?

The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions

and when I call upon you,

I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So Paddy went away and gave those three questions

some considerable thought

(I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon Paddy

and asked if he had considered the questions,

to which Paddy replied

, 'I have.'

'Well then, 'said St Peter

, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

Paddy said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St. Peter pondered this answer for some time,

and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then Paddy, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

Paddy replied, 'Just 12!

' 'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter,

'How did you arrive at that figure Paddy?'

'Easy' said Paddy,

'there's the second of January, the second of February

right through to the second of December,

giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at Paddy and said

, 'I need some time to consider your answer

before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head

. A short time later St Peter returned to Paddy.

'I'll allow the answer to stand Paddy,

but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct

to be allowed into Heaven.

Now Paddy, can you tell me the answer to

the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

Paddy replied: 'Of the three questions,

I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter,

'And what is the answer, Paddy?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy' said Paddy

. This totally floored St Peter,

and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer

. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer,

and turning to Paddy, asked

'Paddy, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said Paddy -
'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'

stolen from Mostly Safe For Work

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Blonde student

The blonde student went to the library

and checked out a book called "How to Hug"

.She got back to her dorm

and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

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Those funny animals

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New Shoes

thanks Liz Z

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Elderly Jewish men

A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday

for a coffee and a chat.

They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation.

Usually, their discussion is very negative

.One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear

, "You know what? I've now become an optimist.

"Everyone is totally shocked

and all conversation dries up

.But then Sam notices something isn't quite right

and he says to Moishe,

"Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist,

why are you looking so worried?

"Moishe replies,

"Nu? You think it's easy being an optimist?"

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Phils Phun Weakly Pun

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown,

a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry

of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......
When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign

'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'
'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered

. 'How does that belong in Chinatown?'
He walked into the shop

and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner

although he could see that the proprietors

were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name

as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned

with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece

to take back to his office.

Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman

who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked,

'Can you explain how this place got a name

like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''
The old man answered

, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'
Looking around, the tourist asked

, 'Is he here now?'
'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.
'Really? You're Chinese.

How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''

It simple' said the old man

. 'Many, many year ago I come to thes country.

I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immiglation.

Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland.

Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What your name?'
He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
I say, ...
... 'Sam Ting.

Correct Pythagorean Theorem

Two Indian Chiefs are consoling each other about

their unmarried Daughters.

The first Chief says:

"I cannot find wives for my two daughters,

who are sitting over there -

one on a bear skin and the other on a buffalo skin."

The second Chief replies:

"I have the same problem!

No one will married my daughter,

she is sitting over here on a hippopotamus skin."

The first Chief asks

"Why don't we trade daughters,

then they may find husbands in their new tribe?"

The second chief enthusiastically agrees

.Which goes to prove that....

.The squaw on the Hippopotamus Hide is equal to the sum

of the squaws on the Other Two Hides.

thanks David T

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Blasts from the Past




--------------------------

--------------------------------

Buy a Smart Car

Great Gas Mileage

Save Money

Help the Environment

Below is a picture of Two Trucks

and a Smart Car in an accident

Save your ass!!

Not gas

Don't buy one

----------------------------------------

thanks Liz Z



One evening, the rescue squad was called to the home

of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had.

When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess

. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered

and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied,

"Well, we were in the bed making love

and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed,

panting, and sweating.

I thought he was coming,

but I guess he was going."

stolen from Miss Cellania

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MATHS

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Women's Porn

stolen from Sandee @ Comedy Plus

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

There are many languages in the worldBut a Smile speaks them all

Keep on Smiling

------------------------------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.