363

--

How many do you remember??

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Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious

about one of the newer members of his mob,

Benny the Rod.

Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country.

During that time he had garnered quite a reputation

for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available.

He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd,

in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket –

clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness

(hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie’s office,

the question was put to him.
“So what’s the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh?

Like, are you scared or somethin’ or you just want to always be ready or what?”
“Not scared …” Benny growled,

“been doin’ it dis way ever since me sister-in-law’s weddin’

’bout ten ten years ago now”.
“Oh yeah? … so …?”
“Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time – a no good chisler.

He never even loved the goil so much …

but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it”,

Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
“And since dat time I gotta do it dis way”.
“But WHY?!”, Louie finally demanded?
“Well, I was at da wedding”, grumbled Benny,

and I wasn’t about to say nuttin’ about it then,

so now I gotta do like da preacher said …
“Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!”

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------

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thanks Liz and Allan

-

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Police Language
"A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup

'What's the situation?''

A big fat black dude is dancing on a car roof.

''You can't say that over the radio' replies the operator

'You have to use the politically correct terminology'

'OK' he says 'Zulu...Tango....Sierra'"

stolen from Slavenka and Obi

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Those Funny Animals

Didn't eat my carrots

thanks Duke for the rabbit pictures




SOMETHING AUSSIE

Queenslander Graeme Connor.. "Pacifica"



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Global Warming

from the Australian TV Show

The Gruen Transfer which looks at TV advertising

----------------------------------

thanks Josie J

------------------------

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH
In the South -

-If you run your car into a ditch,don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.

Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.

This is what they live for

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

Do not buy food at this store!!!

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.

They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted

Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big 'ol' boy.

Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.

All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all, watch this,' you should stay out of the way.

These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow,

your presence is required at the local grocery store.

It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.

You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns,

they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn

is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway

AND REMEMBER:

If you do settle in the South and bear children,

don't think we will accept them as Southerners.

After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven,

we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits

------

10 Commandments of the South
(1) Just one God

(2) Put nothin' before God

(3) Watch yer mouth

4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin

5) Honor yer Ma & Pa

(6) No killin'

7) No foolin' around with another fellow's ga

l8) Don't take what ain't yers

9) No tellin' tales or gossipin

(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff



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Ginger Fun

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How's your memory?

I've completed level 4 - having 'issues' with level 5

http://neutralx0.net/home/mini04.html

[addictive]

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Hanging washing

Sylvia was in her backyard hanging up her washing

when Sarah, her next door neighbor

, poked her head over the fence and said,

"I don't like being the one to have to tell you this Sylvia,

but there's a rumor going around that your husband Robert is chasing the women."

"So what?" said Sylvia

."But at his age!" said Sarah, "He's over 80 isn't he?"

"Ya, so he's eighty-two, so what?" replied Sylvia.

"Let him chase girls.

Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one,

can they drive it?"

----------------

Bike Ride in Moscow

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Potatoes

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A local newspaper was running a competition

to discover the most high-principled, sober, well-behaved local citizen.

Among the entries came one which read as follows.

"I don't smoke, touch intoxicants or gamble.

I am faithful to my wife and never look at another woman.

I am hard-working, quiet and obedient.

"I never go fishing with the gang, and I go to bed early every night

and rise with the dawn.

"I attend chapel regularly every Sunday without fail.

I've been like this for the past four years.

"But just wait until next spring when they let me out of prison!"


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Blast from the Past

-----------------

ALL THINGS PINK

--------------------------------

Down Memory Lane




--------------------------

A flock of sheep are romping in a field, happily going "baa baa"

to each other and discussing life as usual.

Suddenly they hear a "moo moo mooo!"

They look around and see only sheep.

They carry on playing as before.

"Mooo, mooo, mmmoo!"

One sheep can hear it all too clearly from the one next to him.

He shuffles away a little from his friend,

a worried look on his face.

Then he asks, "Georgie, why are you 'mooing?'

You're a sheep.

Sheep go 'BAAA!!'"

His friend replies gladly,

"I know. I thought

I would learn a second language!"


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Religion

-----------------------

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says,

"You want to play 'Magic'?"

She says, "What's that?"

He says, "We go to my house and have sex

and then you disappear."

---

Q. What's long and hard and makes women groan?
A. An ironing board!


-----------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with

---

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.