365


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Hunter
Three less than intelligent men, Walt, Elmer and Stan,
went hunting in a remote forest.
As one of them was crossing a fallen log,
he tripped, dropped his rifle and shot himself.
The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend
and saw that his chest was covered with blood.
Walt turned to Stan and said,
"We got to get Elmer to the hospital quick or he's gonna die."
"How are we gonna carry him?" Stan asked.
"Why he weighs a good two hundred fifty pounds."
"Hell Stan! That ain't nothing," assured Walt.
"We carry bucks out bigger than that, all the time.
We can do it the same way."
Walt was right.
In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door
and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside.
A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news,
"Your friend didn't make it."
Walt said, "Yeah, I thought that gunshot hit him in the heart."
"No," said the doctor.
"The bullet actually went above the heart and through the shoulder.
His chest was only covered with blood,
but he might have been able to survive that."
"Damn it Stan, I told you we shouldn't have tied him to the hood.
All them tree branches smacking into him for the first five miles
probably beat him to death!"
"No," said the doctor.
"His clothes were ripped to shreds and his body was covered with lacerations,
but he might have been able to survive that, too."
"See, Walt! I kept telling you to hold your end
up higher 'cause that sapling was too thin.
When we tied his hands and legs to it, his head kept hitting the rocks and logs.
And I'm sure he drowned when we crossed that crick."
"Damn it Stan! You was the one that dropped your end
of the pole when you fell off that rock.
Poor old Elmer must have been under water a whole minute
while you was fumbling around with that pole and falling all over yourself."
"Now fellas," said the doctor.
"Elmer's skull was cracked and he did have massive head injuries.
But he didn't drown and he might have been able to survive that, too."
Stan and Walt looked at each other with puzzled expressions
and then asked the doctor,
"Then what was it?"
The doctor thought for a few moments and said,
"My guess is that the way you gutted him had a lot to do with it."


---------------------------

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Two men from New York, Cohen & Epstein,

had been partners in the shmata business for 37 years manufacturing mens suits.

Finally they sold out and being very wealthy retired to Florida.

One day Cohen announces that he’s taking a trip to Italy

and is going to seek an audience with His Holiness Pope John XXIII.

He goes to Rome & makes a huge donation to the Catholic church

for which the Pope grants him an audience.

When he returns he’s telling Epstein about his trip & his audience with Pope John.
“So,” asks Epstein, “ what kinda’ fella’s the Pope?”
“Mmmmm,” says Cohen, “ about a 36 Short.”

thanks Duke

--------------------------------------------

----

Those Funny Animals

-------------------

Judith walked into her living room

and saw her brother playing chess with their dog.
"Amazing!" she sputtered:

"This must be the smartest dog in the history of the world!"
"He's not so smart," her brother mumbled:

"I've beaten him three out of five games so far."

--

-------------------------

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together.

Goldstein says to his friend,

"Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."

"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.

Goldstein moans,

"My wife and I went to Florida on vacation.

It rained for seven days and seven nights,

so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card.

I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant

has been ripping me off for millions.

And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning,

I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum.

"My week was even worse!

I went to Florida on vacation with my wife

and it rained for seven days and seven nights,

so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card.

Then, when I got back to New York,

I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions.

And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning,

I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"

"How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein.

"It was identical!"

"You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum.

"I manufacture men's garments..."

------------------------------

SOMETHING AUSSIE

---------------------------------------

Recently launched into the "real world"

and shocked by the expenses that came with it,

my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad,

"the premium would be much lower."

My brother smiled and said

, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get the free peanuts."

--------------------------

-

Men and Women

OLD GUYS
An old guy was in Lowe's the other day pushing his cart around

when he collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
He said to the young guy,

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife

and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says,

"That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.

What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes,

long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,

a halter top and no bra.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that!


thanks Don H

---

A Brave Man
True bravery is arriving home late after a guy's night out,

being assaulted by your wife with a broom,

and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

thanks Liz Z


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They keep comimg

More Wal-Mart pictures

thanks Duke



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Blast from the Past





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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

for "Detta"





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