366

A couple just started their Lamaze class

and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand

- to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant.

The husband stood up and shrugged saying,

"This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant,

the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands,

he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, pick up that pen for me."

-----------------------

Topical Cartoons

-----------------

HUMVEE'S . OVERBOARD



---------------------------------------

Those Funny Animals

--------------------------

------------------




--------------------------------

Airports

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras.

Boudreaux was flying da plane,

and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.

Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around

an Boudreaux got knock unconscious.

Den da plane start driftin.

Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky

. He grab da microphone and holla

"May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210.

Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer.

"Don you worry about nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane,

step by step, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us.

Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say,

"I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."

"No! No!" answer da tower.

"What you altitude, an where you location?"

Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude,

an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice.

"Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun

an how you plane in relation to da airport!"

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time.

He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder,

we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!"

A long pause

de silence was deafanin.

"We needs to know who you next of kin..."
-----

---

--

I know this isn't usually what you think of when you think of bears but,

if you haven't seen it I think you'll enjoy it.

"Tower of Bears".

The person who sent it to me also lives in The Land Down Under...

For whenever you need a stress reliever.

Click on this German Bears and move your mouse cursor across the bears.

You do not have to click mouse button.

In case the link doesn't work... http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier

thanks Toni

-----------------------

'Down memory lane'



------------------------------------

GOLF

---------------------------

Paddy and Mick were waiting at the bus stop

when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, "I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery…'
"What's dat den?"asks Mick.
"Send me lawn away to be cut"…

thanks Liz Z

-------------------------------

SOMETHING AUSSIE

----------

Camel Stew.
It is attributed to the Australian bush painter Jack Absalom,

and appeared in one of the bush cookbooks he published

The recipe appears, with one small variation or another, in various other places -

places where there are plenty of camels that is!

Camel Stew.

3 medium sized camels

1 ton salt

1 ton pepper

500 bushels of potatoes

200 bushels of carrots

3000 sprigs of parsley

2 small rabbits

.Cut camels into bite-sized pieces.

This should take about two months.

Cut vegetables into cubes (another two months)

Place meat in pan and cover with 1000 gallons of brown gravy

.Shovel in pepper and salt to taste

.When meat is tender, add vegetables.

Simmer slowly for 4 weeks

.Garnish with parsley.

Will serve 3800 people.

If more are expected,

add two rabbits.


-------------------------

An veterinary orthodontist who practiced in Iowa

was called one day by a frantic farmer in Australia.
“Help mate!” he cried,

“I just got braces and orthodontic equipment for 100 of my sheep,

and the local sheep orthodontist just died!

I need a responsible animal dentist to come care for my flock!”
The orthodontist was moved, and a good price was offered,

so he promptly flew to Australia for what he figured would be a week or two of work.
But he found that he was entirely unfamiliar with the orthodontic equipment

the sheep had been given,

and he spent a whole 6 months in Australia trying to figure out the foreign braces.
When at last he boarded a plane for home,

after half a year of frustrating work, he sighed with happiness

. “At last”, he said

“I’ll be seeing ewes in all the old familiar braces!”


--------

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day

when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease

in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette

and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move

and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart

to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath.

With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body

and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says

"what the heck are you doing Billy Bob."
"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me,"

says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob,

"but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department,

and the Therapist suggested ...
... I do something sexy to a tractor."

----------------------------

A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.

The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and asked,

"What are you doing wearing a football jersey?"

The girl replied,

"Why, I bought it and own it. Why shouldn't I wear it?"

He said, "You're not supposed to wear it to class unless you've made the team."

"Oh," she replied sweetly.

"Who did I miss?"


-----------------------

Blast from the Past





--------------------

Computers

An American man is riding a train in a European country.

His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting.

The seatmate asks if the American has children.

The American says no

."Ah, so sad," says the European.

"Your wife, she is impregnable?"

"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American

."Oh!" interrupts the European.

"I mean, she is inconceivable?"

"Um, not quite --" the American begins,

only to be interrupted again

."Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European.

"She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"

"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American

-----------------------

Fracking Hilarious



thanks Liz Z


---------------------------

----------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with

WHAT COLOUR IS THE WIND

written and sung by Charlie Landsborough

What colour is the wind, Daddy

Is it yellow, red or blue

When he's playing with my hair, Daddy

Does he do the same to you

When he's dying does his colour fade

Is a gentle breeze a lighter shade

Just like his friend the sea

The wind feels blue to me

When the blackbird starts to sing, Daddy

Do the flowers hear him, too

When he's pouring out his heart, Daddy

Tell me, what do roses do

Do they cast their scent upon the air

And is fragrance just a rose in prayer

Giving thanks to God above

For the blackbird's song of love

-------

CHORUS:

Blow, wind, blow

Wild and free

My Daddy says

You're a lot like me

I know each colour

Its shape and size

I've seen them all

With my Daddy's eyes

-------

I know that grass is green, Daddy

I've touched it with my toes

And snow is purest white, Daddy

I've felt it with my nose

But my favorite colour has to be

The colour of your love for me

And Daddy, I've been told

That love is always gold

-------

REPEAT CHORUS:

My Daddy says

You're a lot like me

What colour is the wind


---------------------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.