385

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An optimist stays up to see the New Year in.

A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.

Bill Vaughan
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Trevor’s New Year’s Eve party was an annual occurrence

with numerous guests arriving.

During the evening, a man knocked on the door,

was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was,

and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen.

He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours

before a strange light dawned on his face

. ‘You know,’ he confided to Trevor,

‘I wasn’t even invited to this party.

I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my drive.’

He continued, ‘My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved,

so that we can go out.’

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New Year Cartoons

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Boston .com has some great pictures of 2010

Warning.. some are a bit too graphic

2010 in photos (part 1 of 3)

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parts 2 and 3 links at top of opening page


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Last of the Xmas cartoons

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Larry Griswold





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Young lady

A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on.

Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.

All night she noticed a young man, staring at her.

In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said,

"Oh, you like my airplane, huh?"

The young man smiled mischievously.

"No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing field."

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Way to Go!!!!!

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The Bear Wins




Those funny Animals

New Years Resolutions for Pets
1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
2. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
4. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
5. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak

does to us when no one is around.
6. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.
8. Always scoot before licking.
9. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry;

decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
10. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
11. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!

January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
12. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

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A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet

when the phone in the kitchen rings.

“Hello,” says the man answering it.

“Hi,” says a high woman’s voice.

“This is Tiffany, thehousekeeper.”

“Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”

“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late.

I figured you’d be back later,

so I planned to leave a message.

You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”

“What sort of a problem?”

“Well, when I was trying to make your bed,

your envelope of emergency money,

you know, the one you keep under the matress, it fell out.”

“What’s the problem, Tiffany?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back,

so I justput it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”

“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it.”

“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room,

I found that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”

“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?”

“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course.”

“And how did you lock it?”

“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out

and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says thehousekeeper,

revealing how well she remembered hisinstructions.

“Good! And where did you put the key?”

“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china.”

“Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.

“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys

to the Porsche in that adorable little box.

I know your wife isgoing to be so surprised.”

“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany.

You are really a great housekeeper.”

“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”

“You too, Tiffany. Good night.”

The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy,

and says with a grin,

“This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”

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SOMETHING AUSSIE

Johnny O'Keefe

recorded May 7th 1960




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Grizzlies are moving in

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Happy New Year,Teddy Bears and the Blue Danube
The Blue Danube - animated Flash

http://www.jacquielawson.com/preview.asp?cont=1&hdn=0&pv=3148566&path=83554

Blast From The Past

Drafi

This was a big hit in Australia and Europe

Don't think it charted too well in the USA

It is sung here by Drafi in German [I think]

See if you recognise it



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It was rush hour, and the city bus filled until the aisle

was jammed with standing commuters.

One woman, precariously balanced on spike heels, clung to a hand grip.

Suddenly the bus took a sharp corner,

flinging her across the laps of two seated male passengers.

There was silence and all eyes turned on the threesome.

Laughter erupted as the quick-witted woman righted herself and quipped,

"All these years I thought I was British, and now I find I'm a Laplander!"

-- Stan Kegel
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Customer: "Excuse me. Why won't my debit card work on the pump?"

Owner: "Are you using an American card?"

Customer: "Yes."

Owner: "American cards don't work at the pump."

Customer: "You should put up a sign."

Owner: "We did, above the card slot."

Customer: "Oh. Well, I don't read Canadian."

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BONUS

Ventures with Rick Derringer




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"PHILS PHILOSOPHY"

but I leave you with a clip from one of my favourite musicals

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.