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Sorry about no posts last week but was away in Sydney

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Happy Chinese New Year

Year of the Rabbit

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Egypt

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There was a convention of meat packing workers in New York a while back,

and one of the men there met up with a girl the first part of the week.

They saw each other many times during the week

and he told her if she ever came to Chicago, to be sure and look him up.

It so happened that in about three months she was in Chicago

and went to Swift & Co. to look for Mr. Gartell.

When asking at the personnel office for him,

she was told that they had five men with that name,

and did she know his first name.

She said no.

So the personnel man said maybe he could help her anyway.

"Was he tall or short?"

"He was tall."

"Well, that lets out two of these men.

Was he fat or slim?"

"He was slim."

"Well, that lets out one more man.

Now, did he wear glasses?"

"He did not have glasses."

"Oh, that must be our Mr. Gartell, the pheasant plucker."

"Oh, yes, that's him, and he dances well too."

-- Stan Kegel

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Send in the Clowns

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Cold weather

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A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening.

The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his engine started to cough and sputter

and then died,leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything

that hecould do to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars,

so all he could do was look at the engine, in total disgust.

As he looked at the engine by the gradually fading light of hisflashlight,

he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the shadows, came a deep voice,

"It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped when he heard the voice,

causing him to hit his headon the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded.

As he looked out into the moon lit night,

he saw two horses standing in the field alongside the road.

The man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated,

"It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Still dazed from bumping his head, the man tapped the fuel pump withhis flashlight,

and then got into the car, turned the key

and sure enough, the engine roared to life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and then sped away in his car.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

"Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked,

"What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said,

as he started telling the rancher what had just happened to him down the road.

The rancher took a sip of his beer, as he looked thoughtfully at the man.

"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied, "Yes it was! Do you think I'm crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said therancher.

"Because I happen to know the black horse

down there don'tknow diddly about cars."


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thanks Duke

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seen at Calgary airport

thanks David T

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SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS:

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1. Under same management for over 5,763 years.

2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

4 . Shul committees should be made up of three members,

two of whom should be absent at every meeting

.5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:

"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty.

They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread,

somewhere a Jew dies.

8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.

"Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.

"What are my choices?," Moshe asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car

and is brought to the local hospital.

A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says,

"Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?"

Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living...."

10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning.

Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope

he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."

At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced,

"I have known many people whohave written letters

and forgot to sign their names,

but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name

.. and forgot to write a letter. "


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Those funny animals

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Canada and America




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What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

"Give me my quarterback!"
What do you call a lineman's kids?

Chips off the old blocker.
Why did the poor quarterback have his receivers cross at midfield?

Because he was trying to make ends meet.
Where do hungry football players play?

In the Supper Bowl.


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Cannibals

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Blast from the Past


thanks Duke



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· A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor

."I feel really good today.

I started out thismorning with an act of unselfish generosity.

I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars?

That'sa lot of money to just give away.

What did your husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do.

He said, 'Thanks.'"


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It's those people from Walmart again

thanks Duke and Geoff C

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SOMETHING AUSSIE

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A Bushman was lying in bed one night and he heard

a cat meeowing and scratching at his door.

The cat kept at it all night.

The Bushman tried to shoo it away but it came back making the same racket.

Eventually, he could stand it no longer,

so he got a sack and stuff the cat in it and flung it in the back of his ute

and drove far out into the bush and let the cat out of the sack and left it there.
But a week later he was awakened by the noise of the cat meeowing

and scratching at the door.

Again he grabbed it and stuffed into a sack and flung it in the back of his ute

and drove even further into the bush.

He let the cat and left it there.
Lo! a fortnight later the cat returned and with its meeowing

and scratching at the door all night he woke

the Bushman who by now was driven to distraction!

He grabbed the cat yet again and stuffed in a sack and flung in the back of his ute.

He drove into the bush and this time he went further

than he had ever been before.

He let the cat out again.
As he got back into his ute,

he suddenly realised that he couldn't remember his way back home.

So he waited for a while

and then followed the cat back home!



Only in Australia




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Do you know someone who seems to know everything?

When asked why, they say,

"A little birdie told me."

Did you know they probably aren't lying?
It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast,

are never seen, and they are everywhere.

Thus, these creatures are called,

'Flies Unseen Everywhere' or 'FUE' for short.

These birds have an extensive communications network,

and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly.
Some of these birds befriend certain individuals

and communicate with them by making clucking sounds,

much like a chicken.

They are not dumb like chickens, however,

and can establish a sort of clucking language

with the lucky person they befriend.
This person is then the one who is always in the know;

one step ahead of the competition.

And those people who seem to be in the dark?

Those who just don't get it?

Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all,

now, that the reason is simply because

they don't have a clucking FUE.

thanks Toni

Wendy the whiskey maker lived in the back hills of Kentucky

and produced some of the finest whiskey available in the area.

One day, as she transported her product to the black market,

she had truck trouble and had to stop by the side of the road.

A young man named Tommy was passing by and stopped to help her.

He was unaware of her illegal activities

and remained in the dark throughout the course of the growing friendship which ensued.

In due course, they = even became lovers with him completely unaware of her activities

One evening, the government raided her place of business and arrested her.

Her young lover was with her when she was arrested

and suddenly became aware of her past.

The officers then transported her to the local county jail where she remained overnight.

Tommy came to visit her in the morning and as he left the sheriff asked him:

"I guess this will change your feelings about her, won't it lad?"

Tommy's response was quick and emphatic.

He turned to the sheriff and simply said:

"She may be only a whiskey maker,

but I love her still."

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BONUS





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thanks David T


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How not to launch your boat





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warning...naughty joke

A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date.

He asks her if she had a good time.

She tells him yes but that to get her really horny,

she likes her men to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.

The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out

dressed in a bikers black leathers.

He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley,

and away they go to the nearest bikers bar.

The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.

When they get back to her house,

he drags her up to the bedroom.

He asks her "Well, was I rough?"

"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.

"And was I Tough?" he asks.

"Oh yes," she moans.

"Well then, it's time to be selfish".

So saying, he whips it out

and gives himself a hand job.



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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but I leave you with this

[especially for Kitty L and Bob S]





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