Last month, a man placed a 911 call to his local police station
and calmly reported to the police operator, "My wife, Gertrude, is missing."
The switchboard officer asked,
"Sir, how long has your wife been gone?"
The husband replied, "I think about one month."
Why did you wait so long to report it?" asked the policeman.
The husband replied, "Well . . .
Until yesterday, I thought it was just a dream."
thanks Gordon H
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church
wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts,
Janet wanted to outdo all the others.
Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak,
but, mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?
There are plenty in the creek bed.'
She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.'
So, Janet decided to give it a try.
She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch
and gave Ole' Spot's (the yard dog) a double hand ful.
Ole ' Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ole' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him,
so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success,
and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized,
and played Phase 10 and Mexican train dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear,
'Mrs. Williams, Ole' Spot just died'
Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible.
We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach.
Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema,
and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said,
'I think everything will be fine now.'
Then he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room,
and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,
'You know, that fellow that ran over Ole' Spot never even stopped”.
thanks Liz and Alan
thanks to Corey P G for most of these
News of the World
Those Funny Animals
thanks Gordon H
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.
'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass -
Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies,
'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
thanks Jayne M
thanks Marj K
If you are interested in getting an iPad I can get hold of them through a contact.
These are straight, not “off the back of a lorry” –
they are from a cancelled Hospital contract due to the Government cutbacks.
The numbers are limited –
he has twenty iPads going for less than half price –
so it’s first come first served.
He has already sold one (pic is attached below so you can see what you are getting).
Get back to me as quick as you can if you want one.
Full spec as below…
Seen at Wal Mart
thanks Corey P G
One Day on Earth - Motion Picture Trailer from One Day On Earth on Vimeo.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
after graduating from Northwestern University ..
On a hike through the bush,
he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed,
so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot,
and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face,
stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled..
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986,
Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing,
and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
You're Doing it Wrong
Chas and Dave
thanks Liz and Alan
looked nothing like this when I was there!!
thanks Liz and Alan
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at firstname.lastname@example.org.