501

A big thanks to those of you wo commented and sent emails regarding the 500th post

very much appreciated

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thanks Kitty L

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Those Funny Animals

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Marty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.

"Imagine that, Marty," she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."

But, Sadie hadn't finished.

"And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have."

"OK, Sadie," said Marty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."

Marty keeps to his word.

One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.

Marty shouts out, "What do you want?"

Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."

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Meanwhile in Australia

thanks Gordon H

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thanks Joe B

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I Pad magic

thanks Wayne W

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Iconic pictures

do you remember them?

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Although my father has lived in America for almost 60 years, he's never lost his Irish accent or fiery temperament. One cold, snowy winter day, he realized he had locked his car keys in the car. My mother went into a nearby store to see if she could get some help.

When she returned, my dad introduced her to a tall policeman from Ireland, who had unlocked the car door. After she thanked the policeman, he explained. "I couldn't leave a fellow countryman in distress."

"How did you know he was your countryman?" Mom asked.

"Well," he replied, "I haven't heard language like that since I left Ireland!"

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Banned Coke ad

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OOPS!!!

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The Jewish astronaut just returned from Mars and was asked all about his journey. He mentioned that while he was there, among other things, he was actually invited to a Martian Bar Mitzvah.

An intrigued reporter jumped right in, "Please, tell us all about it. Was it nice? Was it fun? How was the food?"

The astronaut replied that it was just "OK."

"What do you mean?" snapped the newsman. "Was it the food?"

"No," said the astronaut, "the food was fine."

"Were the people not nice?" countered the reporter.

"No, the people were very friendly."

"Well, then, what was it?" asked the reporter. "Why was the Martian Bar Mitzvah only OK?"

The astronaut looked at him and replied, "There was no atmosphere."

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TREADMILL FAILS

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Robbery Fail

give him one from me

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Bjorn Swensen opened his mailbox to find a letter from a lawfirm. Since the young man could not remember doing anything worthy of a lawsuit, and as he was too desperately poor to be worth suing, he opened the envelope. Inside, he found notification that his Uncle Juan had died, and the will mentioned Bjorn.
The will stipulated that if Bjorn changed his name and became old Juan's namesake, he would inherit millions. The young man was stymied. He was already named after an uncle who he loved and respected.
Bjorn went to his loving girl friend, and the two tried to decide what was the moral, ethical and sane thing to do. Together, they went to a judge to find out if a name change could be temporary, and discovered it could! The young man decided he would temporarily become "Juan."
The judge officiated the name change, and that evening the young man and his love went to dinner with her parents, whom he had never met. She introduced the young man to her mother and father, who seemed puzzled to be meeting "Juan," instead of the "Bjorn" they had heard so much about.
"Don't worry," his girl friend explained quickly, "He was Bjorn yesterday, and he'll be Bjorn again next week."
Her father replied, "Well, at least it was good that they made him keep the name for a week. I'd hate to think that there was Juan Bjorn every minute!" -- Stan Kegel

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http://www.speedcam.co.uk/game.htm

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Seniors

--- After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

thanks KittyL

Some Seniors, as well as younger folks, might be interested in this site...

I accidentally found this porn site (after looking half the night).

I feel that you're old enough and mature enough to handle this.

Check it out, you will not be disappointed, but one must be patient as we all have learned throughout our sex lives.

Click on: http://mr-desi.com/fun_pages/freeporn.html

thanks Kitty L

Pay Attention

thanks KittyL

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At the Wal Mart

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Canada Bracing for Massive Influx of Wisconsin Boat People

Coast Guard on Alert

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) – The Canadian coast guard was on alert today, preparing for what it fears could be a massive invasion of boat people from Wisconsin.

Conor McGlindon, commander of the Royal Canadian Mounted Coast Guard (RCMCG), said that satellite photos had revealed a “substantial flotilla” in the making, as Wisconsinites prepared to flee their state for their neighbor to the North.

“Word has gotten around that we have policemen, firemen, and basic school lunches up here,” Mr. McGlindon said. “You can’t blame these boat people for seeking a better life. But we are under orders to intercept them.”

In Canada, officials fear that refugees from Wisconsin will brave the treacherous journey across Lake Superior in the hopes of giving birth to so-called “anchor babies” on Canadian soil.

Mr. McGlindon offered reporters a look at satellite photos showing the boat people larding their vessels with wheels of premium cheddar cheese, possibly in the hopes of bribing Canadian officials on Superior’s northern shore.

“We are telling all of our men that under no circumstances should they accept offerings of cheese,” he said. "These boat people are desperate and they will try anything."

Reports of the looming refugee crisis coincided with the release of a new poll showing that Gov. Scott Walker is now the most hated man in Wisconsin, narrowly edging Brett Favre.

Speaking at the state capitol, Gov. Walker seemed philosophical about his legacy: "I'm not worried how history will remember me, because if I have my way there won't be any history teachers

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Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

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Funny Signs

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A local prostitute was brought before the court for solicitation. The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was pleading not guilty when she had been caught in the act by police.
The judge questioned her, expressing surprise. "I am celibate." the young woman declared.
"Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you claim you are celibate?"
"It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there....."
The courtroom had to be cleared, they were all laughing so loudly!

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