455

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Learn to hover



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Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders…………

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when,

 at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill,

 and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff

but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger

in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff,

 but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President

had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon,

scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps

and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in,

 he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office

 with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out,

she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,

“Sack my cook.”

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred

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Things you should know

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Google Puppets

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thanks Esther R and Diane McV

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Yoga and Wine

thanks toni

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Rockingham  [Perth WA ] flood victims need assistance -

Please Give Generously

Torrential rain hit Rockingham in the early hours of last night.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked,

woollen trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed

. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Rockingham Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused

and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact

 that something interesting had happened in Read St ..

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Skye-Smith,

 a 15-year-old mother of 5 said

 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes

came running in to my bedroom crying.

 My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'

 The water rushed in the front door and out the back – it was amazing,

 the place has never been so clean!”

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers

 to the area to help the stricken locals.

 Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble

and have found large quantities of personal belongings,

 including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels

 for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

 Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

 flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white)

 white sport socks, Ugg boots, hoodies

 and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs urgently needed include:

 Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Sarah Lee Frozen Cheesecakes,

 Chips, all Fizzy drinks, Wagon Wheels, Tim Tams, Coco Pops and Fruit Loops.

 No Diet Coke

Donations of $ 25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s[ciggies]

 and a lighter and cans of Jim Bean to calm the nerves of those affected.

thanks Brett McG

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its the 90's

IT'S THE 90S! from Everything Is Terrible! on Vimeo.

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Those Funny Animals

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Motorcyycle Dog

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ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter

comes downstairs for her date

with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother went mad,

Telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her

'Loosen up Gran.

These are modern times.

You gotta let your rose buds show!'

and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,

and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother

that she has friends coming over

and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says,

'Loosen up, Sweetie.

If you can show off your rose buds,

then I can display my hanging baskets.

thanks Jayne M

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Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15 :)..

thanks Gordon H

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Don't judge a book by its cover

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For the ladies

I'm safe the wife doesn't read this blog

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My husband and I heard a man pounding on the door to the hotel room next to ours and shouting,

"Honey, open the door! Let me in!"

After five minutes of this noise, my husband went out in the hallway and asked,

 "Is everything okay?"

"I locked myself out of the room," the man replied.

 "I think my wife's in the shower and can't hear me."

My husband invited him in to use our telephone to call his wife.

 The man dialed his room.

 "It's ringing now," he said.

"She'll let me in, and I can leave you folks in peace."

Through the wall we could hear the phone ringing next door

. After four rings, we heard the man's wife yell,

 "Honey! Answer the phone!"

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OOPS!!!   LOL

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Road rage Russian Style

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In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.

The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered.

 Now the farmer took this incident very seriously, so he started an investigation.

Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.

Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered the little pig,

 the farmer lined up his four prime suspects --

 a cow, a horse, a goat and a duck.

 He told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.

The rabbit hopped up and down the line,

 checking each animal, then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.

 "It wasn't me! It wasn't me!" yelled the goat.

The farmer shook his head and said,

"The hare's looking at you, kid."



An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque.

Is a dermatologist’s knowledge only skin deep?

To a cab driver, a rainy day means fare weather.

I’m inclined to be laid back.

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Chinese head walker

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY



-------------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

454

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I ain't doing nothing today

A Texan, a Californian and a Nevadan were riding their horses.

 The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey,

took a long drink, then another.

He suddenly threw the bottle into the air, drew his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

 The Californian looked at the Texan and asked,

 "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!!"

The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone,

 the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips,

 threw the half-full champagne bottle into the air,

pulled out his gun and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe it! He said

 "What the hell did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!!"

The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

Awhile later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.

 He opened it, took a sip, then another sip, then chugged the rest.

He put the bottle back in his saddlebag,

drew his gun, turned and shot the Californian.

 The shocked Texan inquired, "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied,

 "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians -- too many, even.

 But bottles are worth a nickel deposit!"

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 Facebook problems

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Someone got up early to get some of this footage

Very funny

Funnier still if you live in Dullsville  [Perth]

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 Why didn't I think of these??

thanks Diane McV

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Those Funny Animals

thanks Jayne M

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I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would.

I went on a starvation diet the day before,

 knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours

, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body.

The last forty years of careful cellulite collection

 would just be gone with a snap of a finger.

I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday,

 that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.

Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag,

 carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric,

and hung it on the door.

I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought,

 "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..."

 Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

Bravely I took the gown off the hanger,

 unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it.

 I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees .

.. before the zipper gave out.

 I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again

 and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair.

No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner,

I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks:

 the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner;

 the split-end killer and shine enhancer.

 Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads.

Then the makeup --

 the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream,

 the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle;

 the 'all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off' lipstick,

 the bronzing face powder for that special glow.

But first, the roll-on facial hair remover.

 I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

Okay, time to get ready!

I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed,

 scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink.

I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting

"your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream.

 I set my hair on hot rollers.

I felt wonderful.

 Ready to take on the world.

 Or in this instance, my underwear.

 With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body,

I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle,

 and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra.

I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge.

 I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied,

 hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked.

 Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done.

 And it didn't look bad.

So I rested. A well deserved rest, too.

The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind?

It was tighter than a trampoline.

 Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?"

 Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways,

 and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees.

 But I was firm!

Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom.

 And there wasn't a snap crotch.

From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch.

I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro,

 but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.

 I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom.

An hour later,

 I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle.

 I was ready for the bra.

I remembered what the saleslady said to do.

 I could see her glossed lips mouthing,

 "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around.

 Put the bra on the way it should be worn -- straps over the shoulders.

 Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups."

Easy if you have four hands.

But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters,

 bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating.

I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out.

 I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times,

tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work.

 So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back

 and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging.

 Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands.

 Quickly fastening the back of the bra,

I stood up for examination.

Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways.

I smiled, yes, Houston , we have lift up!

My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage!

 I was happy until I tried to look down.

I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet.

I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes.

 Oh ... why did I buy heels with buckles?

Then I had to pee again.

So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza,

 and skipped the high school reunion.

If this did not give you a good laugh -- you're too young

thanks Kitty L
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Diving in Bali

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thanks Diane McV

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WIN

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As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves,

 some rotted wood gave way underneath him.

He fell right through the hole in the roof,

but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.

 Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge of the roof

 to tear completely loose from the rest of the house,

resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground

 and getting pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.

A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the man.

 He was alive, but badly hurt.

The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.

The man's injuries were serious enough that he spent six weeks in the hospital recovering.

On his last day in the hospital,

the police arrived and announced that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.

 "What!?" exclaimed the man.

"You're going to arrest me for falling off my own roof?"

"Oh no," replied the policeman.

 "We're arresting you for tearing off the edge of your roof without a permit...

 That's clearly a case of illegal eavesdropping."



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A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by

 the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

 "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence

 of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause,

such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate.

"During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor.

 All I did was divorce him.

 I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

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thanks Duke

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Are you the Manager??

thanks Kitty L

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thanks Ray S

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Mike: Do you remember first meeting your wife?

John: Sure, I found Jill lying face down in the Gutter.

 I lifted her to her feet and promised her

That if she agreed to marry me, she would begin a new life

and I'd never allow her near the gutter again.

Mike: Wow, I hope she appreciates what you did for her.

John: Not really. Jill hated to give up bowling.

This fella was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door.

 There were two sheriffs' deputies there.

 He asked them if there was a problem.

 One of the deputies asked if he was married and if he could see a picture of his wife

. The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

 The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality,

 and is a good cook, too."

thanks Diane McV

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thanks Wayne W

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--

 thanks Kitty L

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.

The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger

 after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.

 She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy,

 takes his finger and sucks it.

 The guy is so pleased he asks,

 "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

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thanks Gordon H

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 thanks Gordon H

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thanks David J

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A Muslim, an illegal alien and a communist walk into a bar….

The bartender says…

"Hello, Mr. President. What'll it be?

thanks Liz Z

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A man was riding on a crowded bus, standing room only.

The bus stopped, and an elderly lady got on board carrying a large picnic basket.

 She stood right in front of the man and grabbed the overhead rail

so the picnic basket was above the man's head.

Being a gentleman, he offered his seat to her.

She quickly declined, explaining she was only going a short distance.

Soon the picnic basket began to leak,

 and the man felt something drop on top of his head.

 As he looked up it hit beside his nose and ran down across his lips.

 It was quite salty as he tasted it,

and he looked up at the lady and asked, "Pickles?"

She replied, "No, no, puppies."

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Some of my avid readers

------------

 PHILS PHILOSOPHY

 Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this siteare understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.