Phils Phun

Friday, February 15, 2008

103
Back home after a relaxing few days in Sydney
Below are a couple of snaps of many
First one taken from Taronga Zoo and looking back towards the city
and the other near the maritime Museum, Darling Harbour

On February 15th 1965 Nat King Cole passed away

Nat King Cole Unforgettable with his daughter Natalie

On another sad note, yesterday Australia lost a legend Smoky Dawson

Smoky was 94

Here is one of his last recordings [2006]

Watch at 1min 30 picture with late Slim Dusty

Home stead of my Dreams

RIP Mate

Today's Cartoons

For golfers only

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks

Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'

A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers .. neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.

#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of> beers.

#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.

#7... Foursomes are encouraged.

#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.

#5... Three times a day is possible.

#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.

#3.. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.

#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

#1... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

An important event I missed whilst in Sydney was Valentines Day

Here's my contribution

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic,

he said, it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said,

“Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction,

she sweetly gave the kisses back and said,

“Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said,

“That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said,

“That’s long division!”

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

At thewoman's insistence,

they agreed that a prenuptial agreement would be drawn up.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me

.She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me..................

Put me down for Fridays............

Another event that happened while I was away

was the Chinese New Year

The Year of the Rat

A couple of golden oldies
It Makes you Wonder........

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

when the stranger turned to her and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation

with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,

"What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger.

"How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you aquestion first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little round pellets,

while a cow turns out a flatpatty,

and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says,

"Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies,

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power

when you don't know shit?"
thanks to Don Henry

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return,

the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all

and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load

and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied,

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

thanks David Jamieson

Biggest Size you've got please

Have posted this for my readers in the States

Don't know how true it is

Perhaps they will let me know

You are what you read . . .

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the Country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the Country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another Country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Inquirer is read by people trapped in line at the Grocery store.

More Cartoons

It's a Wonderful World

My good Friend Bunk from Tacky Raccoons sent me this clip

Like me , he is a big fan of Johnny Cash

Johnny Cash and Joe Strummer

The Redemption Song

Another great Country legend who is not with us anymore

Marty Robbins

My Woman My Woman My Wife

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

102
Hot, sultry weather continues with Thunderstorms threatening but nothing happening
If only it would rain, just to clear the air
More of the same forecast in the next few days
This is the last post for about a week as I am off to Sydney for awhile

Heres Chris Farlow to get you going

Out of Time

A priest and a rabbi had a tremendous rivalry going,
each going to extremes of piety to impress the other.
It just happened that both of them got new cars at the same time.
It also happened that they both drove into a gas station at the same time.
The priest said a blessing over his car -- in Latin.
The rabbi said his own blessing over his own car -- in Hebrew.
The priest went to put some water in the radiator,
making it clear his car would benefit from the "holy" water.
The rabbi said nothing, but quietly reached into the trunk of his car,
took out a hacksaw,
and cut the end off the exhaust pipe.

Illusions

http://view.break.com/370979 - Watch more free videos

Cartoons....Animals

pinched from Miss Cellania

Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and

obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks:

"Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, not recognizing Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.

"It's a quarter to six", he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad.Check this out..."

He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says

"The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent.

Afew more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.

Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city.

The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."

Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration.

"That's not all...", says Jake.

He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map

of New York City appears on the display.

"The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, " explains Jake.

"View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state

."I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potentia lprofits

after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs",says the inventor.

"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that

"the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver witha digital tuner,

a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125meters,

a pager with thermal paper print out and,

most impressive of all,the capacity for voice recordings of up to

300 standard-size books,though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 in cash for it!"

And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.

Jake stops to think.

He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development,

and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it readyfor merchandising

in maybe a year or so...

Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Jake:

"Here it is,right here and now, $15,000! Take it or leave it!"

Jake abruptly makes his decision:

"Okay,"he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger.

Bill Gates turns around warily and says:"What?"

Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal.

"Don't forget your batteries."

The latest Campaign button from the USA

thanks Jim King

What Antlers are for

Its a man thing...Thanks Gordon Hamilton

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done:
There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily,
which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings;
clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m;
make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks,
a tortilla and one marker;
and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off based on performance.
The winner gets to go back to his job.

More Cartoons

thanks Gordon Hamilton

A fellow was walking along a country road and came upon a farmer working in his field.

The man called out to the farmer

and asked how long it would take him to get to the next town.

The farmer didn't answer.

So, after waiting a bit, the fellow started walking again.

After the man had gone about 100 yards,

the farmer yelled, "About 20 minutes."

Confused, the man turned back toward the farmer and inquired,

"Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Well," said the farmer,

"I didn't know how fast you could walk."

Advert for Binoculars

Thats the Olgas ,near Ayers rock [Urulu] in the background

Spectacular video of Glacier melting in Southern Argentina

Global Warming

Job Descriptions in the Real World
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

What a Wondeful World

Happy Hippo's

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town

and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam,

then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says,

"I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear?

You've developed the same sort of thing.

You've got a brothel sprout."

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
pinched rom Big Shot Bob in Texas

mmmmm I think there's a name for girls like this??

Two strangers, a man and a woman, meet in a cafe.

The man asks,

"My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"

"Well, yes, I guess I would."

"How about $100?"

"What kind of person do you think I am?"

"My Dear, we have already established that.

We are merely haggling over the price!"

Music Video's

When I was much younger my father used to play this tune from 1955 on his old 78rpm gramophone

You will notice a difference in sound level from clip to clip

Eddie Calvert ...... Oh Mein Papa

This is Chet Atkins surprising Michael Johnson with an unrehearsed version

of Oh Mein Papa

Awesome Guitar Player

Thankfully we can still enjoy this great man with these clips

Chet Atkins Oh Mein Papa

More of the same
Chet Atkins and Mark Knopfler

Poor Boy Blues

Chet Atkins and Mark Knopfler

I'll see you in my Dreams

Sunday, February 3, 2008

101
On this day in 1959 the music industry lost 3 musicians who died when their
plane crashed in Iowa USA

A tribute song by Tommy Donaldson

The day the music died

Don McLean American Pie

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated;

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,

we would allbe driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (I just love this):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would causeyour car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you wouldhave to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, wasreliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but wouldrun on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason what so ever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the doorhandle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learnhow to drive all over again because none of the controls wouldoperate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

thanks to Brian Webb from Northam

Ken Cockman is selling old lawnmowers

Do you experience intolerance?
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand
and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said,
"No,I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet,
he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule,
drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around
looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No. But I've always wanted to."
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old guys
thanks Jim King

Die Hardly Working

The Business of Death

Today's Cartoons

What's for "Runch"

There were two brothers, William and Wayne.

Wayne was 4, and William was 15.

Despite their difference in age, they were inseparable.

Often, they would go to the park together.

They’d play with Will’s friends for a while.

When things got too rough,

Wayne would play with the other toddlers in the sandbox.

Of course, Will would follow.

The neighbors all wondered why the boys were always together and never seemed to fight.

A neighbor finally asked the boys’ mother.

“Haven’t you heard?” asked the mother.

“Where there’s a Will, there’s a Wayne.”

Like tennis?
Here’s a little something for you tennis fans.
Thanks Jonco 'Bits and Pieces"

CARTOON OF THE WEEK

NAUGHTY NUNS

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting

you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

"The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed.

"Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says,

"I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing.

He hands it back to her and says......

"No sister, the paper says it was the

'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed

some extra money and asked the people to prayer fully consider

giving a little extra in the offering plate.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down

and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation

and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much

and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,

pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take........ Him, and him and him.

What a Wonderful World

Peek a boo

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk,

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds,

"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells,

"You idiot. You can't treat a cough with a laxative."

The blonde clerk responds,

"Of course you can look at him he is to scared to cough
Thanks Josie Jamieson

It will work every time

TRUE ORIGIN OF THE INTERNET

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader called Abraham of Com

did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband,

'Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when

thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load,

but simply said,

'How, dear?'

And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between

to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply

telling you which hath the best price.

And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).' Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price,

without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy

A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it up, it means to hide)

himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading

as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches

and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches

were going to the drum maker,