109
G'day all
Rain forecast for tomorrow
Lets hope it happens

Last night in Brisbane Australia played India in the second game of the current 50 overs tri series [which they lost again]

Anyhow one of the events that happened during play a streaker entered the field of play.

Big mistake heading for Andrew "Roy" Symonds as he has had some training runs with the Brisbane Broncos rugby team. The streaker had his day in court today and was fined $1500

Onya Roy

What a hit ..Kid



You know you're Australian if.....
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin
.4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber"
.43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.



CATS

Irish Shepherd
Shamus the Irish shepherd went to his doctor with a strange rash on his chest & stomach.
The doctor says to shamus, "lad, I've known you for many years and I'll be frank,

that's a lanoline burn"
Shamus admits he's been tendering the sheep with a bit to much tender care.
But the doctor was confused. "How do you get lanoline on your chest??" he asked.
Shamus replied he'd been laying underneath the sheep, instead from behind.
The doctor asked why??
"It's not the same without the kissing!?!"

Young Tereas came home and related the awesome news to her parents.

She was pregnant!
“How do you know it’s yours? Asked Paddy, her dad.

There was a power failure in a Dublin Department store.
Thousands of shoppers were stranded on the escalators for hours!

Did you hear about the Irish guy who thought that Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
thanks Gordon Hamilton

Pepsi Godfather

Over the years one of the highest rating TV Shows has been M.A.S.H

In fact there are re runs on Foxtel cable even now

Stole this link from Miss Cellania just for all you MASH tragics
Where are they now:

the Cast of M*A*S*H.

Hint: they are either dead, painting pictures, or have a new movie coming out.






they are so many to pick from??

Probably are!!!!





-----

BOTH OF THESE STORIES ARE TRUE

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
STORY NUMBER ONE Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago...

Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic.

He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze

and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed 'Easy Eddie.' He was Capone's lawyer for a good reason.

Eddie was very good!

In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well.

Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends.

For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help

and all of the conveniences of the day.

The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration

to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however.

He had a son that he loved dearly.

Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education.

Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And, despite his involvement with organized crime,

Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong...

Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son;

he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision.

Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done.

He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al 'Scarface' Capone,

clean up his tarnished name,

and offer his son some semblance of integrity.

To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob,

and he knew that the cost would be great...

So, he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street.

But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer,

at the greatest price he could ever pay.

Police removed from his pockets

a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:

'The clock of life is wound but once,

and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop at late or early hour.

Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will.

Place no faith in time.

For the clock may soon be still.'________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes.

One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier USS Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission.

After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.

Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold.

A squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless.

He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet.

Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert themfrom the fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in,

attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another.

Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes

as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault He dove at the planes,

trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible

and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return.

The film from the gun-mounted camera on his plane told the tale.

It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.

He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942,

and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II,

and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.
His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade,

and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage ofthis great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International,

give some thought to visit Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor.

It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was 'Easy Eddie's' son.
thanks Jim King

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..

."God...if you take away my love handles,

I'll devote my life to you," sheprayed.
And at that very moment, her ears fell off...........
thanks Jammo


Oh .......for a dogs life

MUSIC
Ihad forgotten what a great singer Jay Black was until one of the local radio stations played this today

Ithink he started out as an opera singer, but a very smart manager got him into the pop music industry
Jay and the Americans

Cara Mia

Come a little bit closer

108
It's the Labor day long weekend here in the West
Good weekend for those fortunate enough to get the
three day break as the weather is in the low 30's









Funny Animals

Eyewitness
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money,

he turned to a customer and asked,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied,

"No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.
thanks Gordon Hamilton

Todays Cartoons .....Fairy tales

How to be a "KID" again
1. Do a cartwheel.

2. Sing into your hairbrush.

3. Walk barefoot in wet grass.

4. Play a song you like really loud, over and over.

5. Dot all your “i”’s with smiley faces.

6. Read the funnies. Throw the rest of the paper away.

7. Dunk your cookies

.8. Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along.

9. Step carefully over sidewalk cracks.

10. Change into some play clothes.

11. Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich.

12. Eat ice cream for breakfast.

13. Kiss a frog, just in case.

14. Blow the wrapper off a straw.

15. Have someone read you a story.

16. Find some pretty stones and save them.

17. Wear your favorite shirt with you favorite pants even if they don’t match.

18. Take a running jump over a big puddle.

19. Get someone to buy you something you really don’t need.

20. Hide your vegetables under your napkin.

21. Stay up past your bedtime.

22. Eat dessert first

.23. Fuss a little, and then take a nap.

24. Wear red gym shoes.

25. Put way too much sugar on your cereal.

26. Make cool screeching noises every time you turn a corner.

27. Giggle a lot for no reason.

28. Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today




Spring Snowmen

If I win office!!

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her,

“Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?

“Are you nuts?!!!” she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again.
“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;

“Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says,

“Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here.

Let’s go to that dark alley over there .”
So they go into the alley,

where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,

fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them,

but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks,

“Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”
“Nah”, says the Scotsman… “Costs too much…”


Only in America

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish

by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house,

he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.

He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says

"What's the food like here?"
The resident lion says:
"Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

Hi Folks!! Meet the Missus and the gang

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT-MATES ON A PLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up your laptop.

4. Make sure the dude who is annoying you, can see the screen of your laptop.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head upwards to the sky

and move your lips like you are praying.

6. Then hit this link

This is wonderful harmless (in)action from some brilliant people.
would have loved to be there....
just click on the link below.



http://www.gadling.com/2008/02/01/best-prank-ever-stopping-time-at-grand-central-station/


Thanks Josie Jamieson





G'day Mate

Rabbits

Elephant Stew
Here’s a great recipe I think I might try.
1 medium elephant

Brown gravy

Salt & Pepper

2 Rabbits (optional)
Cut elephant into bite size pieces.

This should take about two months.

Ad enough brown gravy to cover.

Cook over 465 F kerosene fire for about four weeks.
Serves 3,800.
Note: If more are expected, two rabbits may be added,

but do this only if necessary,

as most people do not like hare in their stew.

Music

One of my all time favourite groups in the 60's were

The Dave Clark Five

Here are two of their lesser known hits

RIP Mike Smith

Because

Everybody Knows

107
The warm, days have turned into another heatwave with no relief in sight until next week. Teperatures in the high 30's

Born on February 26th 1928 Fats Domino celebrates his 80th birthday this year

Happy Birthday Fats

BlueBerry Hill

Let the Four Winds Blow



An elderly man was walking through the French countryside
admiring the beautiful spring day,
when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field.
Getting over his initial shock he said to himself,
"Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!"
and continued to watch, remembering good times.
Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu!" Ze woman - she is dead!"
and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He came to the station and shouted,
"Jean...Jean zere is zis man, zis woman .........naked in farmer Gaston's field making love
."The police chief smiled and said;
"Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love,
ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station,
jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story,
and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:
"Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is zis young couple naked 'aving sex."
To which Pierre replied,
"Jean, I am a man of science.
You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers,
Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply,
"NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed,
"Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope,
and other tools; jumped in the car;
and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean,
who were waiting at the station.
He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said,
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry.
Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!"


Today's Cartoons

Blind Pilots
Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots’ uniforms

and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

The plane starts barreling down the runway,

and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears.

With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time.

The passengers think it was all a joke,

while in the cockpit, the pilots high-five.

“You know,” says one pilot to the other,

“one day they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die.”




Yikes!!!!

Yikes !!!!!...again

Coyote catches the Road Runner

Regular Kind Of Lawyer
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school,

were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What`s yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy`s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy`s a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy

BORDER DISPUTE
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada,

just yards away from the North Dakota border.

Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the

United States and Canada for generations.

Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday,

lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.

"I just got some news, Mom," he said.

"The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington.

They've decided that our land is really part of the United States.

We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement.

What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said.

"Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept!

I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"

Always build on the high ground

A flood always leads to good fishing mate!!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk,

"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.

She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds,
"I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man
waiting next to her the same question.
He replies,"I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.

Although,when I was young, there was a sure-fire way

to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my
hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you
EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity
gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What thehell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands
under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly

and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

"Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,
removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

"That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you in McDonald's."
thanks Jennie Simmons

A picture paints a thousand words

Check out this link for a very cool version of

Billy Joel's "We didn't start the Fire"

http://yeli.us/Flash/Fire.html




oldie ,but goldie from Josie Jamieson

Ring any bells??
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and

he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her,

he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband

could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor,

'stand about 30 feet away from her,

and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If she doesn't respond, go to 20 feet, then 10 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,

and he was in the front room.

He says to himself, 'I'm about 30 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 20 feet from his wife and repeats,

'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 10 feet from his wife and asks,

'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 5 feet away.

'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)












'Frank , for the FIFTH time, I'll tell you again.....it's CHICKEN!'

Wonderful World

G'day World

Western Australia

A section of the Gunbarrel Highway

in the middle of no where

But a great place to be

Gotta love it!!

Another Golden Oldie from Geoff Collins
Joe had been having headaches for many years and his wife finally

convinced him to see a neurologist.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that, it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine,

and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve thepressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked, and depressed.

He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first timein 20 years,

but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He walked down the street; he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning, and live a new life.

He saw amen's clothing store and thought

, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop, and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly, and said,

"Let's see, size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60years," the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about a new shirt?"Joe thought for a moment, and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe, and said,

"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right; how did you know?"

"Told ya… been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

He walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha, I got you on this one – I've worn a size 34 since Iwas 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine

and give you one hell of a headache.

"New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear -

$6Second opinion –

PRICELESS



So, you think you have had a bad day

thanks Jennie Simmons

Music
Eddie Cochran....Summertime Blues

Camel Toe