128


Mothers Day 2008







Funny Lifeguard

Thanks Bunk @Tacky Raccoons







A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car broke down.
Not knowing anything about cars, she started to walk.
A mile down the road, she came to an old country farmhouse
and knocked on the door until two young men came out.
"Kin we help ya, miss?"
"Yes, my car broke down about mile back.
I wonder if you could drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"
"Well, now, the town's all shut up right now and don't open back up until tomorrow mornin'.
But ah'll tell ya what, miss, mah brother here an ah'll tow yer car over to the farmhouse
and you kin spend the night here with us."
The woman thought, "Well, I really don't have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself,"
so she agreed.
After the two brothers towed her car back to the farmhouse,
and they were getting ready for bed, the first one said,
"Yah know, miss, we only got one bed in this here house,
so ah'm afraid ya'll have ta sleep with us."
The woman thought about it, and consented.
As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said,
"By the way, you DO have protection, don't you?"
"Protection? What's that?"
"You know, condoms."
"Well, what're they for?"
"It's so I don't get pregnant."
"We're simple country folk, miss. Ah'm afraid we don't know about those things."
"Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on."
"Hmm... well, all right."
The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night.
The next morning, the brothers drove the woman into town,
where she got her car repaired and drove off.
About a month later, the two brothers were sitting out on their porch watching the sun set,
when the first one said,
"Hey, d'ya remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?"
"Yep. She was real good, wasn't she."
"Yep. Say, do you care if she gets pregnant?"
"Nope."
"Well, then, let's take these durn things off!"





Double Suicide


stolen from Bits and Pieces





Here is a link to some stunning photos on National geographic
National Geographic Channel strikes again [Pics]







Todays Cartoons...Animals

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist

in the hospital where she worked.

"Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded.

"It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up sleeping with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see", nodded the psychiatrist.

"And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".

"No!" exclaimed the nurse.

"I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!

stolen fromIt occurred to me

-------------------------------------------------------

Video Dedication

Todays video isdedicated to all lovers of Do Wop music

If you are as old as I am then cast your mind back to 1959

[you don't have to be old to enjoy this]

The Fleetwoods......Come softly to me




Neat way to Harvest

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,

"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says,

"Let's try to rephrase that.

"The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is!"

Right Song...Wrong Words

Have you ever seen Lorraine

stolen from Shelleys Snippets

My Mummys a Teddy Bear

A new born monkey abandonded by its mother at a London Zoo,

was given a Teddy Bear

Cowchita is the second white naped Mangabey born in the UK

-------------------------------

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes -

during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid,

some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do)

one of them looked at his watch.
"Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist.

"I thought we might need some extra time,

so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string.

It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall

and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy

and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion.

"Don't you see?

It's the bottom of the Ninth,

the score is tied,

and the bassists are loaded."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Windows House

Stung by a Bee
A woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams,

"I was just stung by a bee!"

The golf pro asks, "Where?"

Still screaming, the woman replies,

"Between the first and second hole."

The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies,

"It sounds like your stance is too wide."
stolen from Miss Cellania


Music

Crank up your volume and enjoy

The Air that I breathe......The Hollies

127




This video was a April Fools Joke circulated by the BBC this year

stolen from
Tacky Raccoons





An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing about
which place had the toughest trees.
The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge
and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alberta woodpecker was amazed.
The Saskatchewan woodpecker then challenged the Alberta woodpecker
to peck a tree in Saskatchewan that was absolutely im-peckable
(a termwoodpeckers like to use).
The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence,
said he could do it and accepted the challenge.
So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker
successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused
How is it that the Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree
and the Alberta woodpeckerwas able to peck the Saskatchewan tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion
:Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Fans of the "Scrubs "TV show will like this

stolen from Miss Cellania

A maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked:
"Maria, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me.
I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."
Maria says, "Well Senora, The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "I see."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?!"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."
She got the raise





CARTOONS......The fuel crisis

Good, Better, Best

GOOD

A Saskatchewan police officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,

but wasn't getting many.

Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road

with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS'

and a bucket full of money.(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Edmonton, AB.

A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

As the Saskatchewan RCMP Officer walked to her car window,

flipping open his ticket book, she said,

I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the RCMP Ball.

He replied, 'Ma'am, Saskatchewan RCMP don't have balls.

'There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car

and drove off.

She was laughing too hard to start her car
[thanks Josie J]


ET has been caught

Seven kinds of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called:

Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone

and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:

Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time

and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:

Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.

Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called:

Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long.

When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.

'The 5th kind of sex is called:

Religious Sex,

Which means you get Nun in the morning,

Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very popular)

The 6th kind is called

Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.

She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called:

Social Security Sex,

You get a little each month.

But not enough to enjoy your self.
Thanks to my Daughter Rennae who sent me that


Video Dedication

The delightful Karon Langridge has requested this hit from the 60's

Norman Greenbaum......Spirit in the Sky

Fun with Pigs

Pigs can fly

Make a wish!!!!

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times,

so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.

Tell him that you charge a hundred dollars.

Any questions, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks,

"How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He says, "All I got is thirty".
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks,

"What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Harry replied.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty bucks is a hand job.

He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE length.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says,

"I'll be right back."
She runs back to Harry.

'What's wrong?' he asks,
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks

--------------------------------------

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray?

Its for Dickheads
Thanks David J

Three friends had a good friend named Joe

and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist.

At every bad situation he would always say

''It could have been worse.''

His friends hated that quality about him,

so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe

could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said,

''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man,

shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said,

''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''




How to spot queer terrorist

OSAMA BIN SHOPPIN


I was trolling around You Tube a couple of days ago

and looking at some Waylon Jennings music video's,

when I came accross this

This is 1966 clip of Waylon and I thought it was really good

Waylon Jennings....Mental Revenge

126
Today is May 4th


Today "she who must be obeyed" is due back from Thailand
About time ,as there is plenty of housework to be done





This is a very clever animation from Pixar
For the Birds



Generation Y
The Silent generation, people born before 1945.
The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.
Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.
Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.
Why do we call the last generation Y?
I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below.


stolen from
Shelleys Snippets


There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a French.
They were bragging about how good each of their armies were.
The Chinaman said, "My army would kill themselves for their country!"
Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them,
"When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!"
He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.
Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons.
About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.
Finally came the French and he did the same to his platoon.
Several seconds past and there were no gunshots.
They decided to wait a little longer.
Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.
Finally they went in and the whole French platoon was on the floor blowing
under the feather to keep it up.

One way to get the beer to the resort





For the golfer out there
Intimidate all those with those little buggys







Two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in the morning.
They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman.
The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell
me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet."
To which the policeman replies
"Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The second drunk then weighs in and says,
"Sorry, sir, but I wonder if the last bus to Galway has left yet."
The officer again replies "Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The first drunk then starts up again and asks,
"Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts,
"It's 4am, all the bloody buses have gone!"
And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says,
"Ok, Mick, we can cross the road now."



The Lumber Jack Song ...Eric Idle and Monty Python






There was once a king of a wealthy island nation.
The king could have built a large palace on the island.
However, tradition dictated that he live in a modest grass hut
like the island's other inhabitants.
Wanting to enjoy his wealth, he called in engineers.
They suggested that he build an elaborate throne.
They designed the throne, along with a series of ropes and levers to raise and lower it.
That way, he could lift it up to the top of his hut when not in use,
leaving more room for other activities.
The king was happy for a few months.
But soon the ropes frayed and the throne tumbled down and shattered.
This goes to prove that ...

... people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.




Video Dedication
Last blog was a dedication to Ian Hall out in the wheatbelt
Ian is a Credence fan
However Ian's wife Margaret loves classical music
Just to show that I am not a musical cretin altogether,
this is for Margaret
From the BBC show...Strictly come Dancing
The Blue Danube [Waltz]




Todays CARTOONS [Misc]

The Clintons are driving along in Arkansas.

Needing gas, they pull over.

Hillary excuses herself to go to the ladies’ room.

After filling the tank, Bill goes looking for Hillary and is surprised

to see her talking animatedly with the gas station attendant.

Stunned, he watches as she gives the attendant a big hug and a kiss.

“What was that all about?” Bill asks huffily when she returns to the car.

“Oh,” explains Hillary, “I went to high school with that guy.

In fact, I think I even dated him at one time.

We were catching up on old times.”

“Well,” observes Bill, “I guess if you had married him, you’d be pumping gas today!”

“Oh no, Bill,” says Hillary,

“If I had married him, he’d have been the President of the United States!”



Way to go.. Granny!!

True Story from Houston Medical Center…

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending,

the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket

and she got so mad at him,

she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don’t know what’s worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you’re married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring

A bit of Aussie Culture for you

Lee Kernaghan....The Boys from the Bush