Phils Phun

Thursday, May 22, 2008

131

34 hits in 34 seconds

stolen fromShelleys Snippets

Burma [Myanmar]

My four-year old Grandson is learning to read.

Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, and then asked..

.'What did you call it?''

It's a frickin' elephant, Grandpa!

It says so on the picture!'and so it does...

'A f r i c a n Elephant'

So much said about phonetics.
Thanks Shelley Shelleys Snippets

Smile Kid!!!

Now, what seems to be the problem

Tell , Uncle Teddy all about it

An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer,

moved to a new town andjoined the local Country Club.

He went to the Club for the first time to play,

but he was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play because

they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him

and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.

The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes,

because I have been playing quite well.

The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well.

Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.

The old man had a nice drive,

but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the bunker, he hit a high ball which landed on the green

and rolled into the hole!

Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap.

He said, "Nice shot,

but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian,

"I do. Please give me a hand."

stolen fromBig Shot Bob in Texas

Oh ! for some ice

Oh! for some ice

The future is man made

We are all born free and equal...Youth for Human rights

I love kids , how can anyone possibly harm them

Today's Cartoons [Misc]

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery.

She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day

and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her.

Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast

(which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice).

She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle.
And so it continued...
Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun.

She ate the eggs and the toast,

but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out,

then poured the apple juice into it.

When the nurse returned later that morning,

he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.
"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast,

but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy," he said,

pointing to the urine bottle.
"Oh, really?" the patient replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips.

"In that case, we’d better run it through again..."
Stolen from
Miss Cellania

A farmer purchases an old, run-down,

abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise.

The fields are grown over with weeds,

the farmhouse is falling apart,

and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work,

the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying,

"May you and The Lord work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer.

Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -

the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition,

there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens,

and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

"Amazing!" the preacher says.

"Look what The Lord and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer,

"but remember what the farm was like when The Lord was working it alone!"

Some old Adverts from long ago

Music

One hit wonder

Kevin Johnson [a Aussie] achieved worldwide fame with his only hit record

Kevin Johnson......Rock and Roll, I gave you the best years of my life

Chlidrens books [Idon't think so]

Naughty joke... but a pretty good come back line
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later, after knocking back a few drinks,

he goes over to the new guy and asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?

'The new husband replies:

'It isn't that bad.

Past the first 2 inches it'sall brand new.'

Sunday, May 18, 2008

130

This is one of the funniest clips I have seen for a while
Put away all your inhibitions and judgemental views and have a good laugh
Who's line is it...Drew Carey and Richard Simmons

Saw these pictures over at amyoops

All are not created equal

Ready or not, some day, it will come to an end.
There will be no more surprises: no more minutes, hours or days.
All things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass on to some else.
Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owed or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments , frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, will your hopes, ambitions, plans, and your to- do lists will expire.
The wins and losses, that once seemed so important, will fade away.
At the end, it won’t matter where you were born or on what side of the tracks you lived.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So, what will matter?
How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built…
Not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people knew you, but how many people will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter are not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom, and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstances but a matter of choice.
Are you living a life that matters?

CARTOONS....Aliens

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together.
The man has a little dog with him and on the first green,

when the man holes out a 20 foot putt,

the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs and walks in circles.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,

"Wow, that dog is really talented!

What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend,

"That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man.

"That depends on how hard I kick him."

For the Ladies

Some Blue grass Christian music

I'm not much of a "churchie"

But I like this song
Alison Krauss.....Iwill fly away

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!"

and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said,

"That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes

and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:

"What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked,

"What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled.

"I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom,

then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."

The moral:

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert.

They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die,

they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.
"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner,

"I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water.

"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
"Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other,

"What kind of place is this?"
By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told,

"Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says,

"This is a trifle bazaar."

Gas crisis

Another Al Gore cartoon

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book

and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.

She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she said.

"Grandpa, did God make me, too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said.

"God made you just a little while ago.

"Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,

"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

Evolution of man

stolen from Shelleys Snippets

The makers of well-known French Mustard have issued the following statement:

“We at wish to put an end to rumours that our product is made in France.

There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship,

between our mustard and the country of France.

Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in England.

The only thing that France and our Mustard

have in common is that they are both yellow.”

A man and his wife had been married for several years.

About two years into their marriage the husband began

carrying a picture of Pam around in his wallet,

something she had noticed but didn't comment on for several months.

Every once in awhile she'd catch him looking at her photo

and finally her curiosity got the best of her.

"I notice that several months ago you started carrying a photo of me with you.

Why?" asked the wife.

The husband smiled at his wife stating,

"whenever there is an overwhelming problem or stress in my life

I simply pull out your picture, stare at it,

and the problem or stress suddenly disappears."

"Wow!" responded his wife.

"I have that strong of a miraculous influence on you?"

"Of course you do," he said.

"I see your picture and say to myself,

'what greater problem in the world is there than this one?'"

Todays Music

One of the finest groups to come from New Zealand and make it big ,

both in Australia and New Zealand was Max Merritt and the Meteors

Why they didn't go onto bigger and better things in the States or Europe is a bit bewildering

If you read the comments about the clip on You Tube,

you will see that back in their heyday DJ Wolfman Jack in the States

played their hits quite regularly on his radio show

This clip ,although over 40 years ago is still as good as back then

Max Merritt and the Meteors....Slippin Away

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

129

William Tell Overture

thanks again to Bunk @Tacky Raccoons

G'day Bunk

Here is one of Bunks heroes having a bad day

There was a preacher who's wife was having a baby,

so he went to his congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever a preacher's family expanded,

so would his pay check.

After 6 children this started to get expensive

and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the

clergyman's additional children would cost the church.

Finally the preacher got up and spoke tothe crowd,

"Children are a gift from God, he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In a back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said

." rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much ofit, we wear rubbers,

and the congregation said,

"Amen"

CARTOONS

Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains

when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close by

.“Oh! That doesn’t sound good,” says one cowboy to his pal.

As soon as the words are spoken,

an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and says,

“Yeah well, our regular drummer is off sick.”

------------------------------

What can I say????

Video dedication

Iasked my son Phil [another one] what his favourite song was

And if I could find it ,Iwould post it on the blog

This is what he chose

You tube wouldn't let me embed it, but here is a link

Blink 182.........Adam's Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmLa_W_afH4

Kieran Valenti mentioned to me that he loved this song
Iknow I have posted it before, but it is such a tremendous song by a fabulous singer
Rita MacNeil....Working Man

A wife complains, "Our wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband mumbles,
"Damn clock always was slow."

Computer Cartoons