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Its the beginning of a new week
Two more aerial shots of the land down under
Wine Glass Bay in Tasmania
Bungle Bungle National Park [near Halls Creek in Western Australia
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Illegal Immigrant Sex
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
‘Hey, how much you charge for DA hour, sister?’ he asks.
‘$100,’ she replies.
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Illegal Immigrant Sex
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
‘Hey, how much you charge for DA hour, sister?’ he asks.
‘$100,’ she replies.
In broken English he says,
‘Do you do Immigrant Style?’
‘No’ she says.
‘I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.’‘
‘No’ she says.
‘I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.’‘
No’, she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
‘I pay you $300.’
‘No’, she says.
‘I pay you $400.’
‘No’, she says.
So finally he says,
‘I pay you $300.’
‘No’, she says.
‘I pay you $400.’
‘No’, she says.
So finally he says,
‘OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.’
She thinks,
She thinks,
‘Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now.
I’ve had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Immigrant Style be?”.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
So she agrees and has sex with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
‘Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.
But that was good.
So what exactly is ‘Immigrant Style’?’
The illegal immigrant replies
The illegal immigrant replies
‘You send bill to Government.’
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Ain't that the truth!!!
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Ain't that the truth!!!
Doesn't say anything about a game of fetch
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BMW Owners
The other day I was cruising along as usual in my BMW,
coming onto one of my interstates,
which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me
at all as I came off the exit ramp!
I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between
two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realize his mistake though
and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW Lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW Lane and posing along at 110 mph
enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me,
I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW Lane of my motorway,
but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper
and flashed my headlights to remind him he
shouldn’t be in the BMW Lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realized it was a BMW behind him,
he did just that,
but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realized I would out-run him,
he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder
so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped,
the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew -
that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have,
so I had to take my drivers license to a police station to be sent away
to have some points put on!
(They’re not free points either - they’re $20 each and I was only allowed 3.)
But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW,
it wont be much longer before I earn the full 12 points,
and then I won’t even NEED a driving license,
so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
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The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears.
They were just told that she could never become pregnant.
They would never have the family they both desired so fervently
.Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them.
"I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card.
"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.
"Because the government has declared our activities illegal.
Go to the address on this card.
The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it.
In less than a year, we will have your baby for you.
"Turning to her husband, the wife exclaimed,
"This is the answer to our prayers!"
Then she turned back to thank the stranger, but he was gone.
"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband.
He answered,
"That was ... the Clone Arranger."
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The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionise the sport.
The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the “bee nut”.
It is a fastening attachment that allows a player to adjust the head on their club to any angle, thus saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs.
Thus, for example,
a player can use the same club to putt with as they used to get out of the sand trap.
Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly,
Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly,
and players everywhere are taking golfing picnics, so they can try their new
“bee-nut putter sand-wedge”.
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Music
This video is the late Andy Kauffman doing an wonderful Elvis Presley impersonation
It appeared on a early Johhny Cash show in 1979
Its one of the best I've seen
Are you lonesome tonight..Elvis Presley
Are you lonesome tonight..Elvis Presley
This is the version with Elvis laughing
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Ithink I have posted these before, but came accross them again
Good for a smile
Jacques Chirac Jokes!
Jacques Chirac Jokes!
Jacques Chirac may think he's the funniest man in Europe after launching his tirade against the state of British cuisine. But the truth is that some of the funniest jokes are about the French...
Q: Why do French men have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.
Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German army as they entered
the city in World War II?
A: "Table for 100,000 M'sieur?"
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. Chirac. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
Q: How do you say: "Give me liberty or give me death" in French?
A: I give up.
Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.
Q: What do you get when a grenade is thrown into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blownapart.
Q: Why do French naval ships have glass bottoms?
A: To see all their other ships.
Q: Where is the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.
The Tour de France is so popular in France because its the one sport where you don't need balls
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If you visit other blogs you will notice quite a few with inept and stupid pictures of cats
To even the balance her's a couple with dogs
Iwonder if the owners of these pets are as sad as the dogs look???
Bat Dog
Bat Dog
Darth Vader Dog
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G'day Mate!... C'mon over and I'll buy you a beer
For the Ladies...Line up girls
G'day Mate!... C'mon over and I'll buy you a beer
For the Ladies...Line up girls
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THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT THE SOUTH …
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South plus a couple no one’s seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra. ‘Fixinto’ is one word.
There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
Backards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.
You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
You measure distance in minutes.
Sometimes you have to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day.
‘Fix’ is a verb. Example: ‘I’m fixing to go to the store.’
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit ‘a little warm.’
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-martin’ or off to ‘Wally World.’
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: ‘What kinda coke you want?’
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
Common Measurements are Pone, Peck, and Sackful.
An Overnight bag is a Wal-Mart sack.
We all own guns and are good shots. Most of them were passed down through the family.
We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed . .. if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
EVERY ONE can't be a Southerner; it takes talent
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THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT THE SOUTH …
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South plus a couple no one’s seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra. ‘Fixinto’ is one word.
There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
Backards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is.
You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
You measure distance in minutes.
Sometimes you have to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day.
‘Fix’ is a verb. Example: ‘I’m fixing to go to the store.’
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit ‘a little warm.’
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-martin’ or off to ‘Wally World.’
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: ‘What kinda coke you want?’
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
Common Measurements are Pone, Peck, and Sackful.
An Overnight bag is a Wal-Mart sack.
We all own guns and are good shots. Most of them were passed down through the family.
We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed . .. if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
EVERY ONE can't be a Southerner; it takes talent
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He’s A Mean Paw
One day three young boys were playing,
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He’s A Mean Paw
One day three young boys were playing,
and talking about their home life with their parents.
One little boy said,
“It’s about time I be getting home, because if I’m late for supper,
my Paw will get mad and whip up on me. He’s a real mean Paw.”
The second little boy said,
The second little boy said,
“Your Paw ain’t mean, I got the meanest Paw in the world.”
The first little boy said,
“Howcome you say that?”
The second little boy said,
The second little boy said,
“Every time I go home, he slaps me if I say something,
and if I don’t say something he slaps me.
Man I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
The third little boy said,
The third little boy said,
“Not me, I got the best Paw inthe world.
He plays with me, and do things with me.
He’s a real good Paw.”
The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said,
The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said,
“Do he teach you how to do things too?”
The third boy said,
The third boy said,
“He sho’ do, he’s teaching me how to swim!
Every morning he takes me out to the middle of the lake,
and let’s me swim back to the shore.”
The first two said, almost in unison,
The first two said, almost in unison,
“Ain’t it kind o fhard to swim from the middle of the lake back to the shore?”
“Naw, man, that’s the easy part,
“Naw, man, that’s the easy part,
the hard part is getting out of that sack!”
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Now, I know this is not correct, but its clever and funny
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Now, I know this is not correct, but its clever and funny
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are understood to be in the public domain. If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them, please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
