Phils Phun

Friday, August 14, 2009

251

more pictures from my adventure

with my mate Stevie Boy from Kalgoorlie at Whistler

Eugena Harris and Tommy Martin from West Tennessee

*************************************************

Market research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by
a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you everused the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back.
"Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain
or to help with a gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all,
my husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

******************************************************************

Hell of a name for a vessel full of seamen

thanks Gordon
***************************************************

Meet Ennio Marchettoo

**********************************************************

An old guy had an appointment to see the urologist.
As he approached the reception desk he saw that the woman there was
large, unfriendly, and resembled a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
"YES," in a very loud voice,
"YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, though,
and in an equally loud voice, said:
"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION.
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

stolen from...Miss Cellania

************************************************

Google

original Google

********************************************************

Crazy facts about Americans
Did you know?

±± 15% of Americans secretly lick their toes.

±± 7% of Americans admit not to shower everyday.

±± 4% of Americans are in jail or on probabtion or on parole.

±± Every 45 secondes, a house catches fire in the America

.±± 50% of Americans are on a diet on any given day.

±± 97% of money paper in America contains a small trace of cocaine.

[don't know how many of these are correct????]
*******************************************************

One of my favourite John Williamson songs

Enjoy

**************************************************************

Eating Fireworks

The local constable had just finished his shift one cold November evening

and was at home with his wife.

“You just won’t believe what happened this evening love,

in all my years on the beat I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Oh yes dear, what happened?”
“I came across two lads down by the canal,

one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.”
“Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!!!

What did you do with them?”
“Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.”

stolen from Xtreme Quips
************************************************************

Fonzie

*****************************************************

While in Canada I was introduced to Stompin Tom

******************************************************

Religion

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar,"

the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear,

and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head

and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,

"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says,

"I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

*************************************************************

Funny Signs

***************************************************************

A woman, was sitting at a table in a posh restaurant with three friends.

With the waiter standing nearby, the ladies were about to place their orders.

To her horror, she uncontrollably passed wind.

Fortunately it was of the silent variety.

Not wanting to be embarrassed should anyone suspect her of the act,

she had a brilliant idea.

To the waiting man she snapped, "Waiter, stop that!"

To which the waiter replied without flinching,

"Certainly, madam. Which way did it go?"

****************************************************

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

thanks to Duke

*********************************************************

Phils Philosophy

Random thoughts...........

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

·Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?

But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came,

you have to first do something like check your watch or phone

or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that

no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy ·

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.

This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently

I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again. ·

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on facebook people that I do know, but i deliberately choose not to be friends with? ·

· There is a great need for sarcasm font. ·

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. ·

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. ·

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger ·

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other? ·

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. ·

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. ·

Bad decisions make good stories. ·

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.... ·

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day. ·

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection. ·

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far. ·

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and Australia

No, I am not of Chinese descent,

but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. ·

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit ·

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -

but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

thanks Don H

****************************************************************

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

250

On the way to Vancouver Island

Thanks Ron H
**************************************************

The Hollies
Tracy Marie will like this one

Post a Comment

*******************************************************

UNITED STATES OF IRAN
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls PresidentObama and tells him,
"Barack, I had a wonderful dreamlast night.
I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.
Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called,
because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream.
I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever,
and on each house flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.
Obama replies,
"I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Post a Comment

*******************************************************
Drinking

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.

Coincidence? I think not."
When we drink,

we get drunk.

When we get drunk,

We fall asleep.

When we fall asleep,

we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin,

we go to heaven.

So, let's all Get drunk and go to heaven!"
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Post a Comment

*********************************************

We want more pay and better conditions

Post a Comment

*******************************************************

The following cartoons were sent to me by David T [Thanks]

Post a Comment

***************************************************

There were two good ol' boys from the South, who love to fish,

and they wanted to do some ice fishing.

They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there.

The lake was frozen nicely.

They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.

One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said,

"We're gonna need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't.

He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. and said,

"We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer.

"By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said.

"We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

*****************************************************

These three dudes break out of prison.

One is white, one is black, and one Mexican.

They are going through the woods trying to get away,

while hearing the guard dogs getting closer.

They ran until they reach the end of the woods to find a swamp loaded with alligators.

The white man says, "I've got to try to swim across! If I don't, the dogs will eat me!"

So he jumps in and swims about fifty feet before the alligators attack and devour him.

The black guy is standing there looking at the swamp,

but the dogs are getting closer, so he says,

"I'm bigger and stronger than that white dude. I think I can out-swim those alligators!"

So he jumps in and swims about one hundred yards before the alligators attack

and devour him.

The Mexican is standing there, afraid to jump in,

when the dogs run out of the woods barking.

He jumps in figuring that he would die anyway if he didn't.

Miraculously, he makes it across the swamp untouched by the gators,

and makes it to freedom

.A little alligator says to a big alligator,

"Why did we eat the first two guys, but let the Mexican go?"

The big alligator says,

"The last time that I ate a Mexican, my butthole burned for three days!"
Post a Comment

*************************************

.................

Out in the open farming country, there lived a farmer with a hobby.

He collected tractors.

He had big ones and small ones, red ones and green ones, and everything in between.

And of course, all this machinery took a lot of space,

so he had a number of specially constructed buildings.
But slowly, over the years, he got bored of his collection,

until one day he decided to get rid of the whole lot, and he set fire to them.
A neighbouring farmer visited him,

and found him standing at the entrance to one of the barns,

sucking the smoke out of the building to keep the fire burning.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.
“Well,” he said,

“I used to love these machines,

but now I’ve become an ex-tractor fan.”

stolen from Archies Archive
*******************************************

Post a Comment

***********************************************

The following video's are no way meant to offend anyone

and posted here in the name of Phun,

because they are very well done and funny.

Long time readers may remember the first one as I posted it some time back

It was taken at an Aboriginal community in Arnhem Land a couple of years ago
Zobra the Greek

*****************************************

Gotta love this bloke . Its very short but very hilarious and very clever

Meekatharra is a town in Central Western Australia with many indigenious residents

Post a Comment

********************************************************

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage,

and passed them on to her daughter.

"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised.

"Youshould always wear something."

"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.

Two weeks after the wedding,

the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked,

"Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"

"Not that I know of," she answered.

"Why?"

"Well, we've been married for two weeks now

and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."

Post a Comment

*************************************************************
Phils Philosophy

Post a Comment

PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Friday, August 7, 2009

249

Phils Phun is back!!!
After almost 6 weeks off on holidays, its good to be home.
To all of those wonderful friends old and new that crossed
my path in Canada and the USA.
Thank you very much for your hospiltality and friendship.
Iowe you all, you made my adventure very memorable.

Thanks to Ron H who took this picture
Post a Comment

**************************************************
Well, Today I hit the big 61

These I have lost and found over the years