253


Kenny Rogers is 71 today

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The new Monopoly game



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One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room,
and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it, and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
The dad looked at her and said
"Well, I don't think you should spank him.
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Australia....C'mon down

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Jumbo landing

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A man bought a woman a couple of drinks in a bar

and asked if she would like to go to his apartment to continue talking.

"Sure," she replied, "but it won't lead to anything."

When they entered his apartment she reminded him,

"Don't waste your time with any fancy moves."

"Hey, what do you think I am?" he said.

"I'm not looking for a one-night stand. I want you for my wife."

"Great," she said. "What time will she be home?"

stolen from.....It occurred to me

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Elevator Floor Illusion
Going into this elevator would certainly makes one nervous.

A sign at the entrance cautions the people that goes in about work in progress.

A more detailed look shows that the floor has been

painted with an illusion that there is no floor

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This is me


Stolen from....Miss Cellania

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Not to worry

Polar bears have options

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"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Alan told his friend Don.

"Whynot add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Don suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, it's 2009, Alan. Go ahead andtell her about it."

So Alan went home and said,

"Dear, Our marriage seems to be stale.

Do you think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it,"said his wife.

"I've tried that with ten or twelve guys already - it never worked."


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Cartoons....Dearly Departed

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Merle Haggard and Tammy Wynette


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A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots,

were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls.

These twins were born on the4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said tohis wife,

"We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of allegiance".

His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going

through life with names like Liberty and Justice.

We aregoing to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane".

Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached.

They would each name one of the girls.

The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks

on people who couldn't tell them apart.

Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them.

He would take one out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with.

He decided he would marry one of them,

or both if he could get away with it,

but hewasn't sure which one he would marry,

if he could only get one.He went to the girls father and explained his quandary.

"I love your daughters and want to marry one of them,

but I can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you".

"Give me Liberty or give me Beth"


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The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse

after being sworn in as American citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed.

"We are American citizens at last!

Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife, replied.

"Tonight, you cook the damn dinner and I get on top!"

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Phils Philosophy

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are

understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

252


More pictures

OK. thats it no more pictures

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Mattress Dominoes

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Brad had a blind date with Ashley for the prom and,

as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more.

After the prom he drove to a secluded spot and parked.

After some really passionate embracing, he persuaded her to move into the backseat.

When things got heated up again he said,

"Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That's something I have never done before,"

Ashley replied."Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?"

Brad was amazed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
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CANADA

No Canadians

You're Canadian if:
You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
You know what a tuque (toque?) is
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
You drive on a highway, not a freeway
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
You drink pop, not soda
You love your fries with poutine
You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.
You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
"Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?

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Dusty Springfield

Dusty Springfield - Wishin' And Hopin

'Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying

Planning and dreaming each night of his charms

That won't get you into his arms

So if you're looking to find love you can share

All you got to do is hold him and kiss him and love him And show him that you care

Show him that you care just for him

Do the things he likes to do

Wear your hair just for him, '

cause You won't get him Thinking and a-praying, wishing and a-hoping

'Cause wishing and hoping and thinking and praying

Planning and dreaming his kisses will start

That won't get you into his heart

So if you're thinking of how great true love is

All you got to do is hold him and kiss him and squeeze him and love him

Yeah, just do it

And after you do, you will be his

You got to show him that you care just for him

Do the things he likes to do

Wear your hair just for him, '

cause You won't get him Thinking and a-praying, wishing and a-hoping

'Cause wishing and hoping and thinking and praying

Planning and dreaming his kisses will start

That won't get you into his heart

So if you're thinking of how great true love is

All you got to do is hold him and kiss him and squeeze him and love him

Yeah, just do it

And after you do,

you will be his

You will be his

You will be his

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1. Law of Mechanical Repair

After your hands become coated with grease,

your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

•2. Law of Gravity

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

• 3. Law of Probability

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

•4. Law of Random Numbers

If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

•5. Law of the Alibi

If you tell the boss you're late for work because you had a flat tire,

the next morning you will have a flat tire.

• 6. Variation Law

If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

• 7. Law of the Bath

When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

(Thisalso rings true of sitting on the can)

•8. Law of Close Encounters

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

• 9. Law ofthe Result

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

•10. Law of Biomechanics

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

•11. Law of the Theater

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

•12. The Starbucks Law

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do

something which will last until the coffee is cold.

• 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers

If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they'll have adjacent lockers.

•14. Law of Physical Surfaces

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering

are directly correlated to the newness and cost of thecarpet/rug.

•15. Law of Logical Argument

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

•16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance

If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

• 17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking

A closed mouth gathers no feet

.• 18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

• 19. Doctors' Law

If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor,

by the time you get there you'll feel better.

Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick. ain't it the truth !!! :)

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CARTOONS

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Q: Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

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Dean Martin

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Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii

when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM.

As soon as morning came,

the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened.

As he was reading the newspaper,

a local gentlemen stepped up and asked him if he had felt the earthquake during the night.

"I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland,

and I have felt other earthquakes,

but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible.

I thought the building was going to come down on us."

The guy asks, "What were you doing during the earthquake?"

"Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life

as that earthquake was happening."

"Is that right?"

"And what did your wife think about it?"

Morris said, "Well, it damn near woke her up!"

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What Can I say??

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Phils Philosophy

This is what’s wrong with the world.

Everything is explained now.

We live in an age when you say casually to somebody

‘What’s the story on that?’

and they can run to the computer and tell you within five seconds.

That’s fine, but sometimes I’d just as soon continue wondering.

We have a deficit of wonder right now.
— Tom Waits

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When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

My wife and I married for better or worse. She couldn't do better. I couldn't do worse.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.