267






A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time,
and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks,
and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He asks, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn't know. I uh . . ."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."


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For those Carpenters out there

stolen from... Miss Cellania

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This is the latest in smart cars

This is the not so smart car


thanks Liz Z
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That will fix it

thanks Geoff C

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The Honeycombs

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Bad Day


thanks Liz Z

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A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad.
Looking at his dad's hands, the boy said,
"Papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well Tony," Papa said,
"you see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta.
You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book,
and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married,
and your little finga, you use to picka you nose.
And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past.
It was now Tony's wedding day.
It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left,
Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want,
and I turna many a pages with my thumb,
I've picked my nose with this little one,
now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life,
but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said,
"Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times
and you may become tired,
when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa,
that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say,
'Go back to sleep you silly woman'."

Stolen from... Miss Cellania

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Walk in beer fridge [follow up ad]



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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .

They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such,

when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,

'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them,

'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed,

but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,

something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table,

yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,

and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:

'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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Wuzzles

answers below

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Stupid

Sure wish someone would invent something to

keep the sun out of my eyes!!!

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Two young men are speculating on how long they might live,

and one says he thinks he has a long life ahead of him.

"After all," he says, "my grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him?" the other man asks.

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show you," snickers the friend,

"both will get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what you think," says the first man.

"Toward the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one,

so he just laid down and died."

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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Old is when …

OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD'IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN.... You are not sure these are jokes?


Wuzzle Answers
1. Think Twice About It

2. Walk on Water

3. Space Invaders

4. You Are Always on my Mind

5. Keep on Smiling

6. It Doesn't Add Up

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

266

As far as I could work out my 100,000th visitor was from Springvale in Victoria [Australia]

Why Women hate football

thanks Liz Z

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I finally got around to going fishing this morning
but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown Snake with a frog in his mouth,
and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head,
took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp,
I released him into the lake without incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.




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Its Judith again

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Airline Trends

thanks Ray S

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Australian Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and Prime Minister Kevin Rudd

strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen.
They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London

where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage

hitched to six magnificent white horses.

They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons;

all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous

earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and the smell was excruciating,

both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State

do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Prime Minister Rudd, “Mr. Prime Minister please accept my regrets…

I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.”
Kevin Rudd, always trying to observe proper protocol,” replies:

“Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought…

If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses.”

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Did you know??.....Do yourself a favour and watch all of this

I am Canadian


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An Italian guy and a Jewish guy went out to a

very expensive restaurant for dinner one night.

Finally, the waiter came over and asked,

“Who should I give the check to?”

The Italian guy said, “Give it to me. I’ll take care of everything.”

“Fine,” said the waiter.

The next day the headlines read:

‘Jewish Ventriloquist Strangled to Death’

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.....FAIL

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles

upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette.

The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this?

Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see,

you’ll feel so much better!”

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing opium,

so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this?

Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see,

you’ll feel so good!”

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all,

and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot…

The rabbit says “Lion my friend, why do you do this?

Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest,

you will feel so good!”

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle,

and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,

“Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”

The lion answers….. …..
“That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours

every time he’s high on cocaine!”

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Don't jump to conclusions


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THE LAST ARGUMENT
OK Honey!
We're here!
I said I was sorry!
You can come out now

thanks Liz Z
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Teresa Brewer Medley


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The blonde was recovering after having given birth.

She asked for ice.

The nurse provided it,

then watched as the blonde placed the ice between her breasts.

"What are you doing that for?"

"That's to keep the milk fresh."

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A beautiful blonde woman loved growing tomatoes,

but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor

who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,

“What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The gentlemen responded,

“Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself,

and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”
Well, the woman was so impressed,

she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman,

“By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”
“No” she replied,

“but my cucumbers are enormous.”

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever Physical exam.

After checking all of her vitals and running the usual Tests, the doctor said,

“Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health.

I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.”
“Oh, what is that, Doctor?”
“Well, you have no nipples.”
“None of the people in my tribe have nipples, “she replied.
“That is amazing,” said the doctor.

“I’d like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don’t mind.
She said, “OK.”
“First of all” asked the doctor, “how many people are in your tribe?”
She answered, “Approximately 500.”
“And what is the name of your tribe?” asked the doctor.
Running Doe replied,

“We’re called “The Indiannippleless Five Hundred.”


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Married Life

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

some Dilbert’s one liners…
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. J
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have troubleputting on your pants.
12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed papertray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy whoinvented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it. J
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them. J J
21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker. J
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success…. Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again,neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,fattening or in love with someone else

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.