26

I got my name in lights with notcelebrity.co.uk

G'day All

Well , the weekend is over and back to work

The West Coast Eagles lost their first game of the season

yesterday and top spot on the League Ladder

Beaten by Geelong in Melbourne by 6 goals

Beer Commercial Banned in the USA

A Mormon was seated next to an Australian

on a flight from London, England,

to Melbourne, Australia.
After the plane was airborne,

drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke,

which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the

Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust,

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores

than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back

to the attendant and said,

"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

A man was chosen for jury duty who very

much wanted to be dismissed from serving.

He tried every excuse he could think of

but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided

to give it one more shot.

As the trial was about to begin he asked

if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said,

" I must be excused from this trial because

I am prejudiced against the defendant.

I took one look at the man in the blue suit

with those beady eyes and that

dishonest face and I said

'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty'

So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied,

"Get back in the jury box.

That man is his lawyer."

Another Paris Hilton Cartoon


Say no more

A young man walks through New York Chinatown

and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.

He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity

got the best of him and he walked into the shop.

He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner.
He asked the old man,

How in the world did this place

get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
Old Man - That's the name of the owner.
Young Man - Who's the owner?
Old Man - I am.
Young Man - How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Old Man - Many years ago when I came

to this country from Hong Kong,

I was standing in line at Immigration.

A man in front of me was a big blond Norwegian.

The lady from Immigration asked him,

What is your name? He say "Hans Olaffsen".
Lady ask me, What is your name?

I say Sam Ting.

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, “Me feet are freez’n mate,

could ya nip upstairs and get me slippers?”
“No bother,” he says, and he runs upstairs

and there are Paddy’s two stunning

19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
“Hello dere girls, your Da’ sent me up here to shag ya both.”
“Fook off you liar!” they both chime.
“I’ll prove it,” Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs,

“Both of them, Paddy?”
“Of course, what’s the use of fookin’ one?”

More scenery shots of Western Australia

The great Guitar player Chet Atkins "Snowbird"

25

G'day All

Yes. its Friday and the weekend again

More Footy and lots of work

How men talk to their wives





On all the Blogs that I have been reading lately every one
seems to be obsessed with this Heirhead/airhead
So here is a collection of some of the stuff floating around
The sooner they lock her up the better

According to Paris Hilton, she is a "victim."

The day after she was sentenced to 45 days in

the slammer for violating her probation

by driving with a suspended license,

Hilton walked outside her house

and told a gaggle of camera people,

"I told the truth yesterday.

I feel that I was treated unfairly."

Hilton called the sentence

"both cruel and unwarranted"

and added "I don't deserve this."

Todays cartoons

Two elderly ladies were in the

supermarket at a long checkout line.

They were discussing hair care.

Apparently the husband of one of them

had a particularly bad case of dandruff.
The other one said,

"My husband used to have that problem

until I gave him Head and Shoulders.

And that cured it."
The other one thought for a minute,

and with a puzzled look replied,

"How do you give shoulders?"

Pickup Line................

A guy walks into a bar

and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says,

"Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks,

she turns around, faces him,

looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody,

any time, anywhere, your place, my place,

in the car, front door, back door,

on the ground, standing up, sitting down,

naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ...

It just doesn't matter to me.

I've been doing it ever since I got out of college

and I just flat-ass love it."
Eyes now wide with interest,

he responds

,"No kidding. I'm a lawyer too.

What firm are you with?"


More of the same

A Clear Explanation of Tax Cuts
This almost makes sense.
This was written by a UGA professor
It is interesting to hear a professor

present a realistic view of how economics really work.
CLEAR EXPLANATION OF TAX CUTS.........................
Sometimes politicians, journalists and others exclaim;

"It's just a tax cut for the rich!"

and it is just accepted to be fact,
without questioning it

But what does that really mean?
Just in case you are not completely

clear on this issue, the following might help.

Let's put tax cuts in terms
everyone can understand.
Suppose that every day,

ten men go out for beer

and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill
the way we pay our taxes,

it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day

and seemed quite happy with the arrangement,

until one day, the owner threw them a curve
"Since you are all such good customers," he said,

"I'm going to reduce the cost of
your daily beer by $20."

Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way

we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free
What about the other six men,

those paying the tab?

How could they divide the $20
windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.

But if they subtracted that from everybody's share,
then the fifth man and the sixth man

would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner
suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's

bill by roughly the same amount,

and he proceeded
to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before.

And the first four continued to drink for free.

But once outside the restaurant,
the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man.
He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man.

"I only saved a dollar too,
It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man.

"Why should
he get $10 back when I got only two?

The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four
men in unison.

"We didn't get anything at all.

The system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks,

so the nine sat down and had beers without him.
But when it came time to pay the bill,

they discovered something important.

They didn't have enough money
between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors,

is how our tax system works.

The people
who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy
f and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas
where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, PhD
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

Scenery shots of Western Australia [GdayWA.com]

Eric Burdon today is his 66th birthday

The House of the Rising Sun 1964

Acouple of days ago on May 7th

Tammy Wynette would have been 65

Born 1942 Passed on 1998

Stand by your man

24




G'day All Have been missing in action for a couple of days
Have been working out of the city at Ledge Point

Here are a couple of funny TV commercials
to put you in the mood

BAPTIZING A DRUNK
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost
overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks
him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
"Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again for
a little longer this time.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
"Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits
end and dunks the drunk in the water again---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his
arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk,
"For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches
his breath and says to the preacher,.................
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"

A bloke's ex wife went missing when holidaying

on the Barrier Reef while she was scuba diving.

He reported it to the police and spent the night

wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door

and standing there is a couple of policemen

- an old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge said, "Mate, we have some news for you,

unfortunately some really bad news

but some good news

and maybe some really good news."

"Well," said the ex-husband,

"I guess I'd better have the bad news first"

The Sarge said,

"I'm really sorry mate but your ex wife is dead.

Young Bill here found her lying at about

five metres in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled

her up but she was long dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed

to hear of this and has a bit of a sob..

After a few minutes he pulled himself

together and asked what the good news is.

The Sarge said, "Well when we got your

ex wife up there were quite a few really

good sized crays and a swag of nice muddies

attached to her wetsuit,

so we've brought you your share."

and he handed the bloke a sugar bag

with a couple of nice crays

and half a dozen mudcrabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties.

I guess it's an ill wind and all that ....

Now, what's the really good news?"

"Well," the sarge said,

"me and young Bill here get off duty

at around eleven tonight and we're

gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....

you fancy grabbin'

some stubbies and comin' out with us?"

A man was sitting in a bar gulping down

shot after shot of whiskey.

His friend comes into the bar and sees him.
“Lou”, says the shocked friend ,

“what are you doing ?

I’ve known you for 15 years

and I’ve never seen you takea drink before.

What’s going on ?”
Lou replies without even lifting his bleary

eyes from hisnewly filled shot glass,

“My wife just ran off with my bestfriend,”

and he throws back another shot in one gulp.
“But Lou,” says the other man,

“I’m your best friend.”
The man turns to his friend,

looks at him through blood shot eyes,

smiles and then slurs,
“Not any more.... He is."

A couple of cartoons

Although this witchdoctor is South African he could easily

be an Aussie as a lot of signs like this pop up in the Outback

Click on image to enlarge

Some more pictures of Western Australia [Gday WA.com]

One of numerous billabongs in the North West

As the sign says

Much of this fence is still in place

But most of it has seen better times

Have a Captain Cook of Western Australia

Click on image to enlarge

Neil Young Four Strong Winds

23

G'day All

Spent a most relaxing day yesterday

Just hanging around the house being a couch potato

Funny Beer Commercial [Australian]

ONE-UPMANSHIP
Three young women are at a cocktail party.

The conversation turns to their position in life

and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says,

"My husband is taking me to the French Riviera

for two weeks on vacation,"

and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says,

"Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"

and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says,

"Well, to be perfectly honest with you,

we don't have much money

and we don't have any material possessions.

However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is

that thirteen canaries can stand

shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says,

"Girls, I've got a confession to make.

I was just trying to impress you.

You know that vacation I was telling you about?

Well, it's not to the French Riviera,

it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says,

"Your honesty has shamed me.

It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."
"Well," the third one says,

"I also have a confession to make,

canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

In the prime of her career,

a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight.

Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter,

she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy,

her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided

to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting

a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work,

she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art

-- the doctor's office.
During the press conference,

one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor,

"What was your first reaction upon seeing

your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
The eye doctor responded,

"I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.'

Todays Cartoons

Assaulted Peanut

Teacher: Johnny, spell 'weather'.

Little Johnny: W-e-t-t-h-e-r

Teacher: "Thats the worst spell of weather. we've had for some time"

Erchie and Jock,

are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's plans

for his forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock.

"I've got everything organised already:

the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception,

the rings,the minister, even ma stag night..."
Erchie nods approvingly.
"Hivvens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Erchie,

"That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Ach," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

Pictures of Western Australia [Gday WA .com]

Western Rosella [commonly known as a "Twenty Eight"]

Kangaroos in the Bush

The bush is re generating after a bushfire

John Denver Sunshine

22

G'day All

Its Saturday evening here in the west

The West Coast Eagles played the Western Bulldogs

a Melborne based team and won by 15 points

The only undefeated team in the competition

Iwant one of these and have placed an order

Britney Spears Pussy






Two tourists were driving through Wales
and stopped for a bite to eatat Llanfairpwllgwyn.
As the waitress approached their table,
they asked her
"Before weorder, can you settle an argument
and pronounce where we are reallyslowly...?
"The blonde waitress leaned over and said
"burrrrr Gurrrrrr king".

A conversation
A stranger was seated next to a little
girl on the airplane when the stranger
turned to her and said, 'Let's talk..
I've heard that flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?
''Oh, I don't know', said the stranger.
'How about nuclear power?
''OK'. she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?
'The stranger thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.
'To which the little girl replies,
'Do you really feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know shit?'



Todays cartoons

Our local minister had all of his remaining

teeth pulled and new dentures made a few weeks ago.

The first Sunday, his sermon lasted 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.

I asked him about this. He then told me

"Well, John, that firstSunday,

my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday,

my dentures were still hurting a lot.

Now the third Sunday,

Iaccidentally grabbed my wife's dentures

AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"

Groucho Quotes
Women should be obscene and not heard. -Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. -Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. -Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -Groucho Marx

I could dance with you until the cows come home.

On second thought I'd rather dance with the

cows until you come home. -Groucho Marx

I find television very educating.

Every time somebody turns on the set,

I go into the other room and read a book. -Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case

I'll be glad to make an exception. -Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. -Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men,

the other 999 follow women. -Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject.

Anyone can get old.

All you have to do is live long enough. -Groucho Marx

Customer Service

My Bank needs one of these signs

Iwas in this store yesterday

Pictures of Western Australia [Courtesy Gday WA.com]

Summers evening on Cottesloe beach

In the Forest in the South West

Juice Newton Angel of the Morning