Phils Phun

Sunday, June 21, 2009

246

For Barry

WHAT COLOUR IS THE WIND
written and sung by Charlie Landsborough
What colour is the wind, Daddy
Is it yellow, red or blue
When he's playing with my hair, Daddy
Does he do the same to you
When he's dying does his colour fade
Is a gentle breeze a lighter shade
Just like his friend the sea
The wind feels blue to me
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When the blackbird starts to sing, Daddy
Do the flowers hear him, too
When he's pouring out his heart, Daddy
Tell me, what do roses do
Do they cast their scent upon the air
And is fragrance just a rose in prayer
Giving thanks to God above
For the blackbird's song of love
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CHORUS:
Blow, wind, blow
Wild and free
My Daddy says
You're a lot like me
I know each colour
Its shape and size
I've seen them all
With my Daddy's eyes
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I know that grass is green, Daddy
I've touched it with my toes
And snow is purest white, Daddy
I've felt it with my nose
But my favorite colour has to be
The colour of your love for me
And Daddy, I've been told
That love is always gold
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REPEAT CHORUS
:My Daddy says
You're a lot like me
What colour is the wind

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Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

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The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader
and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned,
"name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties,
gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud
(as the little sign above their heads said to do)
but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied,
"Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing,
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed.
"Olive, the other reindeer

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Naked Fireman Calendar 2009
For all you women who love firemen
This will make your heart flutter
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Drink Milk

stolen from Bunk@Tacky Raccoons

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English

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Cartoons....Men and Women

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun intothe air,

caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelledwith surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!

And I don't like to have to do whatI dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside,

and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bar-tender wandered out of the bar and asked,

"Say pardner,before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said,

"I had to walk home."

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Henry was an entomologist at the local university.

He was to be up for a promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure.

But there was a problem.
It was not that he couldn’t teach –

indeed two years ago he’d been honored by the undergraduates

by being named their favorite teacher –

No his problem was with his research:

He hadn’t had a successful research project in several years,

and in this day of “Publish or Perish”, this was not a good situation.
So that day, feeling depressed,

he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over,

so that he could work in his garden.

This always had been effective in relieving tension in the past.

But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying,

and on further examination found they were infested with a parasite.
But what were these insects.

They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura.

That was strange.

Anapleura infected mammals not plants.
He examined them more closely.

Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.

He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor.

He examined the insects and detail and

rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I’m sure you know result.

The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.

His job was saved and he received his coveted tenure.

And he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

stolen from Archies Archive

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This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute,

but the company went under one time when it received an order

for a million pounds of the stuff.

Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing the product

and much of it was wasted.

They were not able to deliver in time.

The company had not allowed enough margarine for error.

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Toilet Humour

Look carefully

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There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

When he wasn't looking, mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, his trousers are wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned grand children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.

So I took it out and started to pee,

but then I noticed it wasn't mine,

so I put it back!'

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The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop

was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help,

he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19

and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses --

one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised,

"She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now,

but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

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Bloody good stuff, that duct tape. it'll fix anything

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Gotta love Jim Carrey

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Cartoons.....Elephants

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Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much.

In 2007, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold

and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.

So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the

window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob,

"What are you doing?"

Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea.

"Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way."

Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap

and traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him,

"What are you doing?"Joe told her and said,

"I am determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side.

Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
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stolen from...Miss Cellania

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Marbles

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Funny Signs

If you can read this your in range

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There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied,

'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.

So THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,

the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,

and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked,

'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,

my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.

After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me

because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.

She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home..

. On the way, they will do it, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work,

the Milkman will deliver the milk,

have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...
…. and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
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