Thursday, September 27, 2007

Its time for another blog
Here in Western Australia its a long weekend
The footy grand final is on [Go Cats]
The Perth Royal show starts Saturday
And fine weather is forecast


Just for the ladies

Mouse Balls And Mouse Ball inspector
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.
This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel
in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

The Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when,
to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window.

My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window ~ it's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out
the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend
in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who
had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying you clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes," our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope.........just when it's raining."

[Thanks Josie Jamieson]

Thought this is just one cool photo

Misc cartoons

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over,
has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward
at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.
So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Welcome to Heaven,” says Saint Peter, “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,” says the PM.
“I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself.
He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy,
you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven.
Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.”
“But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” replies Howard.
“I’m sorry … but we have our rules,” Peter interjects.
And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down …
all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky.
The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees.
In the distance is a beautiful club-house.
Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries
who had helped him out over the years —
Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, Billy Snedden, etc.
And everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, and to reminisce about the good times they
had getting rich at the expense of ’suckers and peasants.’
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a single malt,
“Have a drink John and relax!”
Seeing his hesitancy, the Devil reassures Howard.
“This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry
and it just gets better from there!”
Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil,
who he thinks is a really very friendly cove who tells amusing anecdotes
and pulls hilarious nasty pranks,
kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST
and the Free Trade Agreement promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps into the lift and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit Heaven,” the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people
who enjoy each other’s company,
talk about things other than money and treat each other decently.
Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.
No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster.
And these people are all poor.
He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special.
“Whoa,” he says uncomfortably to himself.
“Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!”
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says,
“Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven.
Now choose where you want to live for eternity.”
With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background,
Howard reflects for a minute . then answers:
“Well, I would never have thought I’d say this —
I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all —
but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.”
So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift again and he goes down, down, down,
all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle
of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together.
They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with tar.
The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers a shocked Howard,
“Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house
and we ate lobster and caviar and drank single malt whisky.
We lazed around and had a great time.
Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!”
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs,
Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!”

Teddy Bear Hubcaps [Iwant some]

If one docker dockered another docker,
does the docker who dockered the docker
docker the docker the way the docker he is dockering dockers?
Or does he docker the docker the way the docker who dockers dockers?

Zimbabwe where infation is 4000%

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
"Yes", he replied.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep,
and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank,
and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious.
"You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried,
"Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie,
You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I also said 'no' to her,
you would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives,
and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone,
so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.
"The moral of this story is : Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others..
MOSTLY his wife!
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

When in Greece make sure you have
the correct money or pass for road toll tax

[sent in by Jim King]

There are many words in the English language
that sound the same but which are spelled differently
and have completely different meanings.
For example:
People leading double, discrete lives should be discreet.
Serfs don't surf.
Bears run around bare in the woods.
Jane read 'til her eyes were red.
John led the campaign to get the lead out.
Never pin people with a ballpoint pen.
People with byte problems sometimes yell "Bite me!"
Some scenes should be heard and not seen.
There are wide aisles in the supermarket on the isle.
Tick bites can lead to eye tics.
A angry mite might bite you.
Her firstborn was borne for nine months.
Would you chop wood if you were freezing?
If it looks like you're prey, pray!
Don't read while lying in reeds.
Pigs root out truffles on that route.
Fowl can be some foul things.
In the islands, you can sometimes get a lei and a lay.
Hens labour under the heavy yoke of yolk production quotas.
Try to keep your stationery stationary. Your writing will look neater.

1,010 bikini-clad women have made history by posing on
Australia's Bondi Beach for the world's largest swimsuit photo shoot.
The shoot will appear in the January issue of Cosmopolitan,
on sale Monday December 3,
and will also feature in the next edition of the Guinness World Records book,
out in September 2008.

A rare white koala has received medical treatment in an Australian
animal hospital after suffering blindness caused by chlamydia.
Australian media said the koala, nicknamed Mick,
was found by police and was taken to the Port Macquarie Koala Hospital, north of Sydney.
The koala underwent surgery and was given antibiotics to restore his sight and health.
"He came in with a chlamydial conjunctivitis.
He had very bad conjunctivitis in his eyes.
He's been surgically dealt with. He's had antibiotics and he's looking good,"
Koala Hospital supervisor Cheyne Flanagan told local media.
She said Mick was not an albino, as he had a black nose and yellow eyes,
but was a rare white koala.

The break up has been bitter


Have you already hugged your toilet today

If this doesn't get you footapping and bouncing around the room
and in a great frame of mind for the long weekend ,then there is no more I can do
ELO [Electric Light Orchestra]...Hold on Tight [to your dreams]

Dads Car
click on arrow twice to activate


Anonymous said...

Mate, the music is always great, I laughed out loud at the Dad'd Car clip,


Stevie boy

Serena said...

This is all just to-die-for funny! What great fun your blog is, Phil.:-)

Phils Phun said...

Thanks Stevie and Serena for your comments
So glad you are enjoying the blog