Thursday, October 25, 2007

The weekend looms again
During the week according to the counters on the Right hand side we passed 1000 readers
since I installed those widgets..
Thank you for your support

How to provoke a Polar Bear......wear a seal hat to the underwater world

Drunken Polar Bear

"Next time I'll take the money and not the Bundee!!

I took a dip in the river, but the water's not very deep

What if the Beatles were Irish????

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers,
spots a good place to stop for a beer.
As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says:
Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says,
"You smell some kind of nerdy."
He then asks turck driver what he does for a living.
The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck,
and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender serves him a beer and says,
"Ok, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape
around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils,
and a belt that is at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that?!"
The bartender replied, "Don't worry.
The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley.
And hey, You don't even need a license!"
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,
and heads for the freeway.
Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.
The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers.
The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers.
Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load!
So, remembering what happened in the bar,
he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away.
Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun,
ready to tag some more nerds.
While preparing to shoot a bunch more of the little nerdy guys,
a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out
of his car screaming at him, "STOP!!! STOP!!!"
"What's wrong officer?" asks the truck driver,
"I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman,
"But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM!!"

Blonde cooking
Dear Diary,
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.

The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

A good day for rice.

The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again.

I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies.

It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.

He asked me to dress it for Sunday.
I don't have any clothes that fit it,
and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner.

I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.


This has been a very exciting week!
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom.
If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven,
I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the

stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist

who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"To apply, push up bottom."

Two banned Lynx effect adverts

These were sent to me by my daughter...Thanks Rennae

Stranger At The Window
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking,
jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes,
an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, "Look at he window.
There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said,
"What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled,
"Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry;
the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window
and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled.
He rolled down the window and shakily said,
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour,
trying to forget what they had just seen and heard,
when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!"
The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror,
The old man gently replied,
"You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Stone Age Computers

A man called home to his wife and said,
“Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada
with my boss & several of his Friends.
We’ll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’v been wanting,
so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week
and set out my rod and fishing box,
we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up”
” Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy
but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.
But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?”
You’ll love the answer…

The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box

Irish Jew.
A Dublin Jew who happens to be walking by an Orangemen march,
is hit in the head by a rock, and collapses, nearing the point of death.
A priest, who happens to be at the march,
takes the man in his arms and says,
“Do you believe in God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?”
The Irish Jew looks at him with a puzzled gaze and says,
“Here I am dying, and he asks me riddles!”


A dinner speaker at the Rotary meeting was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table,
he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.
"Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said,
"I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over,
the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid.
Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied,
"I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
While on the subject of Rotary, here is a plug for my good mate Tom Hoyer
If elected and Tom puts the same dedication to the Senate as he does to Rotary,
then the Carer's party will be a big success
So,Congratulations to Byford & Districts Rotarian Tom Hoyer who has taken up the challenge of standing for election in the Senate on behalf of the new and independent Carers Alliance Party. After 5 years of working with the ARHRF [Australian Rotary Health Research Fund]
"Beyond Blue" education and awareness issues, Tom has translated that National and State urgency into a political platform. If Rotary 'cares and shares', Tom is putting this into action where it is most needed.
Please consider.
In WA, there are 405,000 disabled people, with a further 247,000 carers and families. 91,000 of these carers are now presenting with their own mental and physical disabilities. Country folk are doing it even tougher.

The woolly mammoth of a sheep who waited three years to be shorn
Last updated at 22:26pm on 22nd October 2007

Perhaps his owner feared being fleeced with the price of a haircut these days.
But after three years without so much as a trim,
Victa the sheep's woolly coat was starting to become a burden.
After a tip-off from neighbours in Melbourne,
the Australian RSPCA stepped in to give Victa -
who was being kept in a back yard to act as a lawnmower
- a much-needed cut.
Despite a few nicks along the way,
Victa is now much happier, said RSPCA shelter supervisor Tamara Brown.

The woolly mammoth was rescued by RSPCA inspectors after neighbours
in Brooklyn, in Melbourne's west, tipped them off this week.
When discovered, he had not been shorn for three years
and if his fleece got wet it weighed up to five times his body weight.
Ms Brown said: "His wool was very heavy.
He really wasn't very mobile and he got tired very quickly."
Domestic sheep were bred to grow wool continuously
and needed to be shorn yearly, she said.
The excess wool could have led to health problems.
"The weight of the wool was putting extra pressure on his joints and
he was having difficulty eating because he couldn't move his head up and down.
Sheep can actually get stuck on the ground if they aren't shorn." Ms Brown said
Victa had perked up considerably since his haircut yesterday.
"He feels a lot better since he's been shorn.
He's certainly got more of a spring in his step.

Three Men
There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian.
All are at the urinals.
The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink
and uses a lot of soap and water and before he leaves.
He says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned to be clean and neat.”
The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink
and uses much less soap and water but is still very clean.
He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to be clean and neat
but still be environmentally aware.”
The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.
The Aussie says over his shoulder,
“In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands.”

Todays videos are some country classics from way back
Marty Robbins.....Singing the Blues
Rare footage of a young Marty Robbins in 1959

Even rarer footage of Hank Williams senior
In the second song on this clip he sings with Anita Carter [June Carter's sister]
Watch the body language between them
Hank Williams [Snr]............... Cold Cold Heart
and with Anita Carter .............I can't help it but
A more upto date video from 1981 from the Oak Ridge Boys
Oak Ridge Boys............Elvira
I know that a lot of my readers are Johnny Cash fans
I was unable to embed this video
But here is a link to a funny version of Oklahoma Hils
Sung by Johnny Cash and Flip Wilson

The Perfect Crime
Click on pointer to watch

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