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Sometime during tomorrow this simple little blog will pass 100,000 hits




Thanks to all my readers



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thanks Liz Z
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A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete
the woman thanks the judge and says,
“Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.”
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet.
So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony
required under the Jewish religion in order to
receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, “You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?” (Circumcision)
She replies,
“Yes, very similar, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick!”

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Youngsters


Seniors

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The Genius that is Charlie Chaplin

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Wuzzle

Answers at bottom of post

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Two WoodPeckers
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico

arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge

and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker

to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’

(a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence

that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker

successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree,

and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,

yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering,

they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently,

Your Pecker Gets Harder When You’re Away From Home.

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Our very own

Judith Durham

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Mary had a little lamb

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It was at a party and the host was getting worried

because there were too many people and not enough refreshments.
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited

but didn’t know how to tell which ones were the crashers.

Then her husband got an idea….
He turned to the crowd of guests and said

“Will everyone from the bride’s side of the family stand up please?”

About twenty people stood.
Then he asked “Will everyone from the groom’s side of the family stand up as well?”

About twenty five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said,

‘Will everyone who stood please leave.

This is a birthday party.

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From the film "New Orleans" directed by Arthur Lubin in 1947

Louis Armstrong and Billie Holiday

Farewell to Storyville


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A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said,

“Papa, I had a great time in Israel .

“By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”
He took his problem to his best friend.

“Ike,” he said, “I sent my son to Israel ,

and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Ike.

“I too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian.

Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.”
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

“Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi.

“I, too, sent my son to Israel , and he also came home a Christian.

What is happening to our young people?”
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.

As they finished their prayer,

a voice came from the heavens:
“Funny you should ask,” said the voice.

“I, too, sent my son to Israel …”

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John Williamson



It's just a modern world we live in,

but why do they pick on me

Why just the other week my missus had the cheek to talk me into a va-sec-tom-y

At first it never clicked that I was gettin' nicked,

I thought it was to test verility

Than after I went through it, ten days we couldn't do it

and then the doctor said to me I couldn't believe it folks -

He said please blow into this bag, please sir

What? - to test your capability

I beg your pardon? -

we're cutting down on accidents

I said are you fair dinkum -

He said please blow into this bag and we'll see

Well - I couldn't believe it at first

but you know what they say about doctors orders

So he gave me the little bag and ushered me into the little room with all the pin-ups

Grubby little room it was, too,

and I came back with my little bag

And the doctor was quite satisfied,

and so was I

It's just a modern world we live in,

there's knew fangled things every day

The cop said I was speedin', accordin' to his readin'

But I was three kilometers away

I was feelin' pretty mad when he took out his pad,

I tried to stay as calm as I could be

He found a bawldy tread,

he saw my eyes were red

And then he said this strange thing to me -

I said what again?

He said please blow into this bag, please sir

I said hang on -

to test your capability

What? -

we're cutting down on accidents

I said are you fair dinkum -

He said please blow into this bag and we'll see

Well this time I really was shaken up,

the cop could see I was a bit excited

He said well you better take a good grip on yourself son

So I went around behind a big gum tree

and came back with my little bag

Well you can imagine what happened

It's just a modern world we live in,

I'm feelin' very sad and pale

The judge said I was sick and threw me in the nick

And missus said she wouldn't pay the bail

So take it from a fool like me,

beware of quacks and boys in blue

I'm feelin' pretty bruised

so don't you get confused

I'd catch a train if I was you-ou

All together now - please blow into this bag, please sir

Ahh, It sends a shiver down my spine

Please blow into this bag, please sir

If the women don't get you, it's the wine

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Neck Exercise while you sit at your computer

thanks Liz Z

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Golf

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.

You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term ‘mulligan’ is really a contraction of the phrase ‘maul it again.’
A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf’s a hard game to figure.

One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green.

The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
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A golfer who lost his ball fumed at his young caddy.

He snapped, "Why didn't you watch where it went?"

The lad replied, "Well sir, it usually doesn't go any-where,

so it took me by surprise."

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Can you Quit?

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Mouldy old Dough


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Two of the greatest qualities one can have in life are:
Patience and Wisdom
(and sometimes they're the same thing!)

thanks Liz Z

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Wuzzle answers
1. Cry all the way to the bank

2. The stakes are high

3. That's too bad

4. Eyes in the back of my head

5. Miniskirt

6. All in All


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Life is a game but it’s not fair and I break the rules so I dont care…
For every woman with a curve there are several men with angles.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
Always hold your head up, but be careful to keep your nose at a friendly level.
We child-proofed our home three years ago and they’re still getting in!
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
I wonder who coined the term, “coined the term.”
Shouldn’t the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?
To borrow from our British friends:Bollocks!
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble,

then you chip away everything that doesn’t look like an elephant.
If I get male pattern baldness, I’d like zig-zags please.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

264


Here's a video I posted quite a while back for Stevie Boy
Heard it on the radio yesterday and thought it was worth another run
MARIACHI RUMBA


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Just for old time's sake

Husband, upon meeting ex after two years of separation:

"Listen honey, just for old time's sake, why don't we have a leisurely dinner,

share a few glasses of fine wine, go to my apartment and really make love?"

Ex-: "Over my dead body!"

Husband: "There you go! - You haven't changed a bit"

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I feel it is my duty to warn everyone of a major problem,

one that endangers lives, damages property and causes untold misery,

a growing menace that can be summed up in three words:

men doing laundry.

At first glance, MDL may not seem like a big problem,

especially to members of the female species,

who generally prefer MDL to WDL.

But the evidence is overwhelming.

MDL has resulted in millions of discolored clothes, billions of missing socks,

and countless broken relationships.

Wife: "Did you remember to separate the clothes before washing them?"

Husband: "Yes, of course I did. I put the whites at the bottom and the colors on top."

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Gotta love this

British humour at its best

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Wizagra

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Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday,

one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.

One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else.

before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.

Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes,

the waitress approached him and asked,

"Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?"

Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied,

"Well, would you mind washing your hands before you bring me my ham and eggs?"

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This Guy is amazing

Below is his story

Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity,

reported his findings to the Fellows of Plastic Surgery, concluding with this case study:

"Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana

and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.

All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass.

I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House.

Thanks Liz Z
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Your the one that I want

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Would you eat at any of these Restaurants???

thanks Geoff C


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When he received a journal as a birthday gift,

a twelve-year- old boy was mystified.

"Mom," he asked, "What am I supposed to do with this? The pages are blank."

"You write down interesting stuff that happens to you," she said.

"Oh," he said, a look of enlightenment crossing his face,

"It's like a blog on paper!"

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DRAGONS

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children

just before she dismissed them to go to church,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied,"Because people are sleeping."

Ruben piped up,

"They must be bored again Christians."
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Susie knew she had hit the jackpot when she found a four-leaf clover.

Everything went right for her.

She found a great boyfriend.

She got a great job.

And it hardly ever rained.
Then one day, she left the clover in clothes that went to the dry cleaner.

It was still there when she retrieved the clothes.

But it had been flattened.

Her luck immediately turned rotten.

She lost her boyfriend and the job.

And she was caught in one storm after another.

Finally, she complained to her dad.
"It's like I always tell you," he said.
"Never press your luck!"

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Attractive secretary

Gail, the attractive secretary was inclined to brag way

too much about her "dates" to suit the other women in the office.

One day, she was going on and on about a Texan

who had treated her like a Queen all evening

and at the end ofthe date, gave her 2 hundred dollar bills for "cab fare"

."Imagine that." came a voice from the other side of the filing cabinets,

"A hundred-and-eighty dollar tip."

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Seen at WALMART

thanks Don H
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Ladies........Ideal Xmas Pressie

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An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive

when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled.

"What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband,

"and try to hit something cheap."


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A devout Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates.

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up,'

and he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter,

he climbs the ladder in great strides,

climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and,

yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again,

'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight

and climbs and climbs, ever higher once again,

he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps,

as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted..

Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes, please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

thanks Liz Z

Another song that I have posted before

Just love this, Don't ask me why, But I do




Pussycat - Mississippi 1975

Where you can hear a country song from far

and someone plays the honky-tonk guitar

Where all the lights will go out one by one

the people join the sun

and the wind takes it away

Where the Mississippi rolls down to the sea

and lovers found the place they'd like to be

how many times before the song was ending

love and understanding

everywhere around

Mississippi, I'll remember you

whenever I should go away

I'll be longing for the day

that I will be in Greenville again

Mississippi, you'll be on my mind

everytime I hear this song

Mississippi roll along

until the end of time

Now the country song for ever lost its soul

when the guitar player turned to rock & roll

and everytime when summernights are falling

I always will be calling dreams of yesterday

Mississippi, I'll remember you

whenever I should go away

I'll be longing for the day

that I will be in Greenville again

Mississippi, you'll be on my mind

everytime I hear this song

Mississippi roll along

until the end of time

Everytime I hear this song

Mississippi roll along

until the end of time.

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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Golf lingo
Things You Shouldn't say off the Golf Course
10. Nuts... my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I we make it a threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.


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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.