268

Fleetwood Mac

Don't Drink and Cook

Young blonde

Bambi, the pert young blonde, filled her gas tank at a self service station.

After she had paid and driven away,she realized she'd left the gas cap on top of her car.

"Ooopsie" she said as she stopped and looked.

Sure enough,it was lost.

Mustering all her mental abilities she thought for a few minutes.

"Surely I'm not the only young, beautiful, blonde woman to have done this."

She muttered to herself.

"Others must have done the same thing.

Maybe if I drive back the wayI came, I'll find a gas cap that will fit,

or maybe even the one I lost."

Bambi drove back down the street and sure enough,

she found a gas cap laying by the side of the road.

She tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying "click".

"WOW, this is SO COOL", Bambi said to no one in parti-cular.

"I lost my gas cap, but found one that fits.

It'seven better than my old one because this one automatic-ally LOCKS!"

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Thanks Geoff C

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An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down.

A few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane.
They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe

and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, “Yeah..”

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied,

“We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.”

The rescue crew were shocked.
One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”

The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi.”
Another rescuer asked,

“Did you eat their arms?”

The Chief said, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked,

“Did you..you know…eat their…ah, err, ‘things’?”
The chief said, “No.”
“No?” asked the rescuer.
“No,” replied the Chief.

“Things go better with Coke.”

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THINK PINK

Amazing Dogs



Thanks Liz Z

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naughty joke [beware]

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,

were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it,

the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven,

where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started,

“Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded,

therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer,

then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher then stepped up,

“OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,”

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

“Then, go to Hell!”

With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked,

“Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

“Then, go to Hell!”

With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said,

“Bring me a chair!”

The Devil brought forward a chair.

“Drill 7 holes on the seat.”

The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said,

“The third hole from the right.”

“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my ass hole.”
And the idiot went to Heaven.

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice

“Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!”
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s career,

the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale

and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts –

“No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord…”.

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is,

dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord

and really tears the place apart.
The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts

“No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!”.
Stevie is really cheesed off now that this chap doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability

and shouts to him from the stage –

” OK smart a*s, you get up here and do it”..
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing….
“a jazz chord to say , I ruv you



A man boarded a metro bus.

He was surprised by the driver, a bearded man, two feet tall.

He was wearing a strange green uniform and a pointed red hat.

He sat on a pile of pillows to reach the steering wheel.

And he kept saying, "Tick-tock…tick-tock…tick-tock."

The man asked another passenger about the driver.

The other passenger explained that the driver was reliable and accident-free.
"But why does he keep saying 'tick-tock?'" asked the man.
"That's his job," was the reply.
"He's a metro-gnome."

Robin Williams as the American Flag




Bedtime

Birds and Cats revenge



Thanks Liz Z

A couple in Morro Bay, California, had a lot of potted plants.

During a recent chilly spell,

the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants

and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked

to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack,

so she covered him up, told him to lie still, and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, wouldn’t listen to his protests,

and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa

and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house,

so she called on a neighbor.
He volunteered to capture the snake.

He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,

where she felt the snake wriggling around.

She screamed and fainted, and the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store,

saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth

and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,

knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint

and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him,

so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.
By now the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.
He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered, and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped up and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.
The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the electricity, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
That’s when he shot her.





UH-OH!!!!

PHILS PHIOLSOPHY