Phils Phun

270

A couple of days ago we lost Al Martino

About the same vintage is Chuck Berry who had his 82nd birthday yesterday

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A young man who wants to see the world
signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman.
He masters the classroom instruction,
then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel.
In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.
Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is,
the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely.
Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely,
"Could you bring the ship with you?"

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Three men, who had fallen upon hard times,
decided the only solution to their troubles was to rob a bank.
But they wanted to do it in a way no one had done before.
After much discussion, they decided they would use an elephant to rob the bank.
So they went out and got an elephant.
At the heist, everyone is quite impressed with these men,
who would have the moxie and the creativity to use an elephant
in the commission of this crime.
During the getaway, however,
they had only gone two blocks when the police showed up and demanded they stop.
Instead, they urged the elephant on faster.
The police, regrettably, did their duty all too well,
and felled the elephant with a hail of bullets.
The three thieves, remarkably unwounded, stood around the animal, in tears.
"No!" one cried, "Why him?? It should have been me!"
The police were dumbfounded.
As they clapped the men in handcuffs, one officer asked,
"What's going on here? What's the big deal?
There's eight different ways you guys could have run with the money
after we shot this animal.
What's so important about an ELEPHANT?"
One thief answered him,
"You don't understand, officer.
You couldn't possibly understand.
No one could have *any* idea of the trouble we had getting the stocking over his head."

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Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate
when he accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.
He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.
“You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, ” said the genie.
“As a reward I shall grant you one wish.”
“Well,” said the Prince,
“I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.”
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
“Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?” the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
“This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Is there something else you would like?”
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
“I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,” said Prince Charles,
showing the genie the first photo.
“But now I love this woman called Camilla,” and he showed the genie the second photo.
”You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all,
so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?”
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
“Let’s have a look at that dog again.”

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Fancy a game of Tic Tac Toe
Just click this link
Have fun
http://www.funnugget.com/games/tic-tac-toe/#

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Chickens

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Musician Q and A
Q: What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: How do you get an musician off your front step?

A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: How do you get an electric guitarist to turn down his amp?

A: Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It doesn’t matter – bass players are never in the light anyway.
Q: How many “deadheads” does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They don’t change it. They just wait for it to burn out, and then they follow it around for 30 years.
Q: What does it mean when a drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?

A: The stage is level.
stolen from....Xtreme Quips

Extensive research has revealed the ultimate fate of Lord Greystoke,

better known as Tarzan.

It seems he lost his grip on a slippery creeper whilst swinging through the jungle,

and fell to his death.

The native tribe who discovered his body gave him their highest honour:

they extracted his intestines,

dried them in the sun,

and used them as the strings of a musical instrument which was presented to the chief,

to be handed down from father to son.

If the instrument is treated with care,

it seems likely that the tribal leaders will be able to play Tarzan's tripes forever.
thanks Liz Z
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Tench are a small, sardine-like fish and in Fyfe or,

as it is now commonly spelled by the Sassenachs, Fife, Scotland,

there’s an annual tench-eating competition.
The world champion, Sven from Finland, was in Fyfe to defend his title.
Local boy Hix won through to the final

and so it was a contest between him and Sven.
The result was that Hix ate 27 tench

and Sven managed only nine.
Hix was crowned world champion.
The headline in the West Fife Herald & Post was;

“One To Three For Fyfe’s Hix, Sven Ate Nine Tench.”

stolen from...Archies Archive

More Brian Poole and the Tremloes

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Southern Terrorist Advisory, Atlanta
The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and Mississippi

announced today that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states.

Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically involved

with local redneck girls.

The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation

of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported,

but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition

is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off.

To date, the Coalition has identified the following children:
Mohammed Billy BobAbba Bubba

Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit

Mohammed Forrest GumpaBubba

Mohamme Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba

Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat

Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl

Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.

stolen from.... It occurred to me