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BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy in 2009,
the government will start
Deporting all of the weird old people
in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
I started crying - when I thought of you.

RUN, YOU OLD FART, RUN!!!!!




Well....

what can I say....
someone sent it to me,
and I'm not going alone!!!!

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Little Johnny
"The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said,

“Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”

Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.”

The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?”

“Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”"

stolen from...... Slavenka and Obi



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Linda Rondsadt



Gotta love them frogs ...lol

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Gig

The gig was just about ready to start when the bandleader called the female singer over and said "Listen, tonight we're going to begin the set with 'April in Paris', but I want to do it a little differently. We'll start in the key of G for the first four bars, then modulate to B-flat for the next eight bars, change the meter to 3/4 for six bars, then pick up the tempo to Allegro for twelve bars, then modulate to F-sharp for eight bars, change the meter back to 4/4 and slow down to Rubato for four bars, play a tacet for four bars, modulate up to D-flat for eight bars...""HEY, HOLD ON!" the girl said. "I can't do stuff like that without rehearsal!"He said,

"Why not? You've been doing it all week long!"

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Hi Friends, Readers and Fellow Bloggers
I thought that you would like to hear this from me 1st and not from someone else.
I know what you are probably thinking why I haven’t told you before now.
This is confidential but it will eventually come out......
Anyway guess who is due in 2 months????????????
^

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^

^

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^




Gotcha!!!

--
thanks Ron H

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British Comedy at its best






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This is a real cool clock, from a Dutch web site.
Don't do anything.
It's automatically adjusted to your time zone.
It gives you the EXACT TIME of the DAY
in seconds, minutes, hours, the day, month and year.
http://home.tiscali.nl/annejan/swf/timeline.swf

Thanks Liz Z

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John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly
coveted awards

thanks to Liz Z for all of the above

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Malt and Barley Blues


McGuiness Flint - Malt and Barley Blues 1971

Don't delay leave today

get out now while you can.

Don't be daft leave your half

to the hard drinking ma

and if they start knocking

it's just the booze talking

they've got the Malt and Barley Blues.

Take your chance while you can

we're behind you all the way

.Some are proud some are loud

they don't heed to what they say

it's just the booze talking

it's just the booze talking

they've got the Malt and Barley Blues

Someone tries to patronise you

when you don't know why

but you can stand up and look

them right between the eyes'

cos it's just the booze talking

it's just the booze talking.

They've got the Malt and Barley Blues.

(Instrumental)

It's just the booze talking

it's just the booze talking

they've got the Malt and Barley Blues

It's just the booze talking

it's just the booze talking

they've got the Malt and Barley Blues

Eye examination

A girl went to an ophthalmologist for an eye examination.

After he had completed his' tests, the doctor said,

"You do need glasses. Be sure to come back after your wedding."

"Why can't I have them now?" the girl asked

."Because, Miss," said the doctor sternly,

"I don't believe in specs before marriage."

------

Once upon a time there was a guy walking along on all fours.

He comes to another man who he knows.

This mans says to the man on all fours, mate,

what the heck are you doing crawling around on your knees?

The guy on his knees looks up at him and says,

"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".

The guy looks at him and goes , "ahhh yeah righto" and off he went.

Next day comes and the same thing happens.

The guy asks him again, "Mate, what the HELL are you doing crawling around like that?",

"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".

The guy goes, "mate, you've lost your mind, cya later".

Third day comes. Same thing again.

"Mate, what are you doing? ",

"I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".

The guy looks at him and goes,

"That's it, it's official, you're totally off your head, crazy, stupid" and off he goes.

Fourth day, the guy comes around the corner on all fours again,

this time he's got a girl on his back.

The man says to him, "I thought you'd lost your mind before,

but this one really takes the cake.

What the heck are you doing now?"

The guy says to him, "I'm a turtle, I'm a turtle".

The other guy goes to him

"But yeah, what's that on your back?"

The guy looks up at him and say,

"Oh, that's MICHELLE!".

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Italian milkman

Tony, the Italian milkman, had a door-to-door delivery service.

A lady called down from her apartment,

"Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of milk."

"What apartment, lady?"She said, "4 Q."

Tony said, "4 Q too, lady!"








Cool adverts

Bread

Harley Davison

Sewing machine

thanks Wayne W

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We will return the favor

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered,

"God made Adam and Eve and they had children,

and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,

"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum , how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,

and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered,

"Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family

and your father told you about his."

thanks Josie J

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Come back you mongrel!!

------
Pope
"The Pope was finishing his sermon.

He ended it with the Latin phrase, 'Tuti homini' - Blessed be mankind.

A women's rights group approached the pope the next day.

They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind.

So the next day, after his sermon, the pope concluded by saying,

'Tuti homini, et tuti femini' - Blessed be mankind and womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope.

They said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind,

and asked if he could also bless those who are gay

.The pope said, 'Sure.

'The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with,

'Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti.'"

stolen from..... Slavenka and Obi
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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

stolen from..........Archies Archive

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Taliban Renamed Towns ...
Now that American B-52's are reorganizing Afghanistan's landscape,

US intelligence has discovered that the Taliban

have renamed some of their towns to confuse us.
These new names include:
1. Wherz-Myroof

2. Mykamel-Izded

3. Oshit-Disisabad

4. Waddi-El-Izgowinon

5. Pleez-Ztopdishit

6. Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi

7. Ikantstan-Disnomore

8. Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin

9. Myturbin-Izburnin

10. Imma-Dedshmuck

Riddles
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck!
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: Why does the Afghanistan Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q: What do Osama Bin Laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
and last but not least..

.Q: Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in Afghanistan?
A: Because there's a Target on every corner!

stolen from....It occurred to me
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.