276

Mates

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Is this a redneck Basement or bomb shelter????


Redneck go Kart

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Stevie boy is going on an ocean cruise,

and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick.

The doctor tells him,"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

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Penguins



try this link
Poke the Penguin for about 20 seconds

http://www.gamesville.lycos.com/html_poke/poke_penguin.swf

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Where's the Rake??




thanks Denis McC

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Smile time..........

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I have been asked a few times to post my all time favourite music hits

After some consideration

Icame up with these three

You might not agree ,but to me these are tops

Them..featuring Van Morrison [1965]


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Credence Clearwater Revival [CCR]

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Willie Nelson

BLUE EYES CRYING IN THE RAIN(Fred Rose)

In the twilight glow

I see her blue eyes crying in the rain

And when we kissed goodbye and parted

I knew we'd never meet again

Love is like a dying ember

only memories remain

Through the ages I'll remember

blue eyes crying in the rain

[ guitar ]

Some day when we meet up yonder

we'll stroll hand in hand again

In a land that knows no parting

blue eyes crying in the rain
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The Oil Crisis [Canadian Style]
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada .
Well, there's a very simple answer, "Nobody bothered to check the oil".
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical.

Our Oil is located in:
ALBERTA
SASKATCHEWAN
BRITISH COLUMBIA
MANITOBA
COASTAL NEW BRUNSWICK
COASTAL NOVA SCOTIA

COASTAL NEWFOUNDLAND

Our DIPSTICKS

are located in OTTAWA
Any Questions ???

NO ?... Didn't think so.

thanks Charlotte H

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Dogs vs Cats

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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
“You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000.

And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check.

He handed it to Leon.

“Now then, I’m returning $5,000,

and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits!”

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Whats going on here?

McDonalds Holiday resort?? Who knows!, Who cares!


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Why the NorthWest Airlines plane overshot the runway

thanks Liz Z

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It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum.

All the patients were standingout in the courtyard and singing, Ave Maria,

and singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand

and tapping itrhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance

and then approached theconductor.

"I am a retired choir director", he said.

"This is one of thebest choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them", said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour", said the visitor.

"What are they called?"
"In the beginning this was a big problem.

One inmate wanted to call them

theBig Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam.

But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam.

Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name

but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."
"Well", the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"
"Surely that's obvious", replied the conductor.

"They all agreed to call themselves"...

... The Moron Tapanapple Choir.

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Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Dentists practice by going through many drills.
Dermatologists often make rash statements.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.
Did you know that donuts were first made in Greece?
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it all.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Direction a sneeze travels: Atchoo!
Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed to see sickness.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks - it's all lice.
Don't expect to eat something fancy when you're flying because it's plane food.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

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The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.

He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.

The doc prescribes it for him,

he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription.

Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.

When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words.

That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.

They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.

He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. "Three times!"

He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.

"What's wrong, dear?" he asks

."I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service.

Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!"

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Architectural...... FAIL

thanks David J

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Changing tyres...Be careful

Watch all three




thanks Liz Z


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Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate,

and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan,

where he quickly rose tothe top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper,

at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town.

He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern,

but they slid off onto the floor.

As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant,

he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room

and reverberated it down the hall!

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure

just enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door,

never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her.

He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy

and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied,

"Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here,

but then I moved away.

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago,

but an embarrassing thing happened

and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him.

"Sir, while I don't have your life experience,

one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me

isn't even remembered by others.

I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."The clerk asked,

"Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

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What a pity.

those living in this house

would have been faxed to the South Pole eons ago

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A canibal suffered from indigestion and went to see his witch doctor.

After explaining the problem, the witch doctor asked him:

"What have you been eating?"

The cannibal replied,

"the usual..catholic missionaries"

"And what do these catholic missionaries look like?"

the witch doctor asked.

"Brown robes with rope belts and a little bald spot at the back of their heads"

"I see,and how have you been cooking them?"

"You know,the usual. Put them in a big pot,

fill it with water, light the fire and cook them"

"Thats your problem" the witch doctor said

"Those are friars, not boilers"

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

oops!!!



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