321

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Shipwrecked man
A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years.
Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon.
He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting,
until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship.
About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore
carrying a man in a captain's uniform.
"Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero,
"I thought I was never going to be rescued."
"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain
."Ten years, ten long years" replies the man
."Ten years?" says the Captain
"How have you coped all that time on your own?"
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house;
there it is, over there, Number 1!"
"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!"
"Ahhhh, well..... that's not quite true," says the man shyly
."What do you mean?" inquires the Captain
."Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet,
when I noticed an ostrich up the beach
with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me
. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years,
so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"
"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.
"Well, it was alright for the first five miles,
but then we got out of step."

------------------------





--------

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks,
"What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd,
They're asking for a 10 million ransom.
Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."

thanks Gordon H


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Launching Ships




---


Those Funny Animals

-------------------------------

BlondeSally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods

with a small package and a large birdcage.

She was gone several days but finally she returned.

Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad

.Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.

Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that.

But I went in the woods cause I needed something

there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.

I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that going help you get a man?"

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man

is to have a good pair of hoo-ters."

------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------

Two situations, and then see if you can answer the question.

(And don't blame me: I got this from a Canuck!)

Two patients limp into two different Canadian medical clinics

with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour,

is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment,

then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist,

then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month

and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.
Now, the Question:

Why the different treatment for the two patients?
Answer: The first is a Golden Retriever;

the second is a Senior Citizen

------------------------

Blast from the Past

---

------------------------------

OOPS!!!

------------------------------------------

---------------------------

------------------------------

One fine, sunny morning, a priest took a walk in the local forest.

He was walking by a small stream when,

sitting on a nearby toadstool, he noticed a sad, sad-looking frog.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day

is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest, "Can you explain?"

"Once upon a time I was an 11-year-old Choirboy at your very church.

I too was walking by this stream when I was confronted

by the wicked witch of the forest

. 'Let me pass!' I cried, but to no avail.

She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand,

turned me into the frog you now see before you."

"That's an incredible story!" said the priest

, "Is there no way of reversing the witch's spell?"

"Yes," said the frog,

"It is said that if a nice kind person would pick me up,

take me home, give me food and warmth and a good night's sleep,

I will wake up as a boy again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and forthwith picked up the frog

and took him home.

He gave him lots of food, placed him by the fire,

and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him.

Miracle of miracles!

For, when he awoke the next morn,

there was the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed.

And that, your Honour, is the case for the Defence.

stolen from Slavenka and Obi

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--------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY





Israel Kamakawiwo'

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

And the dreams that you dreamed of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow

Blue birds fly

And the dreams that you dreamed of

Dreams really do come true

Someday Ill wish upon a star

Wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where trouble melts like lemon drops

High above the chimney tops is where youll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly

And the dreams that you dare to

, oh why, oh why cant I?

Well I see trees of green and Red roses too

,I'll watch then bloom for me and you

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white

And the brightness of day

I like the dark and I think to myselF

fWhat a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people passing by

I see friends shaking hands

Saying, How do you do?

Theyre really saying,

II love you

I hear babies cry and I watch them grow

,Theyll learn much more than

Well knowAnd I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Someday Ill wish upon a star

,Wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where trouble melts like ;emon drop

sHigh above the chimney tops is where youll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high

And the dreams that you dare to,

oh why, oh why cant I?


-------------------------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

320

--

Music Box Dancers

thanks Wayne W

-

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco ,

a man came upon another man hugging a tree

with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired

, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied

."You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says,

"Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him,

took his wallet, jewelry, car keys,

then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by,

saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked

, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there

.When he finished telling his story,

the other guy shook his head in sympathy,

walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

"This just ain't gonna be your day... cupcake!"

-------

Doing it wrong

stolen from Miss Cellania

-

--

A major research institution has just announced the discovery

of the densest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named Pelosium.

Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,

and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,

giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons,

which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time

, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere

and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists

to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons

reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium,

an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy,

albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons

but twice as many morons as Pelosium.


-------------------------------

Gotta like this group

---------

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day

that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door

.Later that day when he returned from lunch,

he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

-----------

Those Funny Animals

----

Punny Joke

--------------

A lion was prancing through the jungle one day,

roaring at the top of his voice for all to hear,

"I am king of the jungle, for my mighty strength

and great prowess strike fear into all other creatures!"
An eagle lands on a nearby tree branch and says,

"Not so fast, Leo, buddy!"

"For it is I who am the rightful king of the jungle,

as my wings enable me to attack from above,

and my beak and talons rip my victims to shreds!"
Whereupon, a skunk walks calmly out of the trees.

Approaching the ferocious feline

and the fearful flighted one, he meekly says,

"You're BOTH wrong! Needing neither fight nor flight,

I disable my would-be opponents most skillfully! Wanna sniff?"
And the three animals busily engaged in a heated argument over

who was the rightful king of the jungle.

While they were arguing, oblivious to their surroundings,

a huge grizzly bear walked up and eats them all --

hawk, lion, and stinker

------------------------

Have you heard about the new Elvis Steakhouse?
It's for people who ...
... love meat tender.


-

-----------------------------------




thanks Liz and Alan

-------

Try these Wuzzles

Answers below

-------------------------



Blast from the Past

There is not much live footage of the legendary Johnny Horton

But I managed to find this

--------

Off to the Walmart

---

· A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist,

"Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.!

I have two buddies sitting out in mycar waiting for us to go play golf.

So forget aboutthe anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be donewith it

. We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town

and it's 9:30 already.

I don'thave time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself,

"My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled

without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said,

"Open your mouth honey, and show him".


--------------------------





ALIENS

-----

OOPS!!





--------

-----------------------

Naughty Joke

[you have been warned]


A guy was in a bad car accident and after

months of recovery he still had a problem.

He had to have his penis amputated.

He went to see the doctor, who reassured him he could help.
“First of all you have to pick a new penis,” said the doctor

.The physician picked up a box from his table and said,

”This is our 6 inch standard model.

It is dependable and will cost you only $6,000.

It comes with a lifetime guarantee.”
The man said, “Okay, that’s about right, but what’s in the other box?”

“This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women.

But this will cost you $9,000.”
The man said, “Oh yeah, that’s the one I want.

My wife will love me forever.

But out of curiosity, what’s in the third box?”

The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk.

“This is our super deluxe model. It’s 12 inches of all beef

and will drive all the ladies wild.

But if you want this much power you’ll have to pay $12,000.”
The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink.

“Doc, that’s it, that’s the one for me.

I’ll be the envy of everyone I know.

But does it too have a lifetime guarantee?”
“It sure does.”
“And does it come in white?”

----------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

---

Wuzzle Answers

1. I see you understand

2 Did it cross your mind

3. All in all

4. Little house on the Prairie

5. Incomplete sentence

6. Count Dracula






Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.