Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Music Box Dancers

thanks Wayne W

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco ,
a man came upon another man hugging a tree
with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired
, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied
."You've gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says,
"Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him,
took his wallet, jewelry, car keys,
then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by,
saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked
, "What the heck happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there
.When he finished telling his story,
the other guy shook his head in sympathy,
walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"This just ain't gonna be your day... cupcake!"


Doing it wrong

stolen from Miss Cellania


A major research institution has just announced the discovery
of the densest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named Pelosium.
Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,
and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 311.
These particles are held together by dark forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
The symbol of Pelosium is PU.
Pelosium's mass actually increases over time
, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere
and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists
to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons
reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium,
an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy,
albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons
but twice as many morons as Pelosium.

Gotta like this group

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day
that he wasn't getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door
.Later that day when he returned from lunch,
he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Those Funny Animals


Punny Joke

A lion was prancing through the jungle one day,
roaring at the top of his voice for all to hear,
"I am king of the jungle, for my mighty strength
and great prowess strike fear into all other creatures!"
An eagle lands on a nearby tree branch and says,
"Not so fast, Leo, buddy!"
"For it is I who am the rightful king of the jungle,
as my wings enable me to attack from above,
and my beak and talons rip my victims to shreds!"
Whereupon, a skunk walks calmly out of the trees.
Approaching the ferocious feline
and the fearful flighted one, he meekly says,
"You're BOTH wrong! Needing neither fight nor flight,
I disable my would-be opponents most skillfully! Wanna sniff?"
And the three animals busily engaged in a heated argument over
who was the rightful king of the jungle.
While they were arguing, oblivious to their surroundings,
a huge grizzly bear walked up and eats them all --
hawk, lion, and stinker

Have you heard about the new Elvis Steakhouse?
It's for people who ...
... love meat tender.



thanks Liz and Alan


Try these Wuzzles
Answers below


Blast from the Past

There is not much live footage of the legendary Johnny Horton
But I managed to find this


Off to the Walmart


· A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist,
"Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.!
I have two buddies sitting out in mycar waiting for us to go play golf.
So forget aboutthe anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be donewith it
. We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town
and it's 9:30 already.
I don'thave time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself,
"My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said,
"Open your mouth honey, and show him".





Naughty Joke
[you have been warned]

A guy was in a bad car accident and after
months of recovery he still had a problem.
He had to have his penis amputated.
He went to see the doctor, who reassured him he could help.
“First of all you have to pick a new penis,” said the doctor
.The physician picked up a box from his table and said,
”This is our 6 inch standard model.
It is dependable and will cost you only $6,000.
It comes with a lifetime guarantee.”
The man said, “Okay, that’s about right, but what’s in the other box?”
“This is our 9 inch super model. 9 inches of muscle to please any women.
But this will cost you $9,000.”
The man said, “Oh yeah, that’s the one I want.
My wife will love me forever.
But out of curiosity, what’s in the third box?”
The doctor picked up yet another box from his desk.
“This is our super deluxe model. It’s 12 inches of all beef
and will drive all the ladies wild.
But if you want this much power you’ll have to pay $12,000.”
The man is really on a roll and is tickled pink.
“Doc, that’s it, that’s the one for me.
I’ll be the envy of everyone I know.
But does it too have a lifetime guarantee?”
“It sure does.”
“And does it come in white?”



Wuzzle Answers
1. I see you understand
2 Did it cross your mind
3. All in all
4. Little house on the Prairie
5. Incomplete sentence
6. Count Dracula

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

1 comment:

Bunk Strutts said...

Dang. I had to watch a commercial just to hear that pun? Some folks have no shame.