316

thanks Ron H

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An astronomer went on an expedition to Africa

to observe a total eclipse of the sun

. Unfortunately, cannibals captured him the day before the eclipse was due

. He hatched a plan out of "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court:"

he figured he'd threaten to extinguish the sun unless he were released

. But of course the timing had to be just right

.So, in the few words of the cannibals' tongue that he knew,

he asked his guard what time they planned to kill him.

The guard answered,

"Tradition has it that captives are killed when the sun reaches

the highest point in the sky so that they may be cooked

and ready to be served for the evening meal."

The astronomer thought, "Great,"

as the guard continued,

"But in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

---------------------------------

thanks Wayne W

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Those funny animals

-----------------------------------

I was traveling between Phoenix and Ajo

the other day south of Gila Bend when a tire blew out.

Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist

and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.

He yelled ou tthe window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied

."You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man

."Democrat," I replied

."Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he spedoff.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window

, and asked me the same question

. Again, I gave the same answer, "Democrat."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off

.I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy,

since this area seemed to be overly political

and thereappeared to be few Democrats

.The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautifulblonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican orDemocrat

."Republican!", I shouted.

"Hop in!", replied the blonde

.Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare

at the gorgeouswoman in the seat next to me,

the wind blowing through her hair,perfect breasts

, and a short skirt that continued to ride higherand higher up her thighs

.Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammedon the brakes

and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out

."What's the matter?", she asked

."I can't take it anymore," I replied.

"I've only been a Republican for five minutes

and already I want to screw somebody."


------------------------------

----------------------------------------

HOLES

Kimberley Hole....South Africa

Glory Hole......Monticello Dam, California

Great Blue Hole......Belize

Sink Hole...Guatemala

Rat Hole...Canberra

Reported to be full of over 400 "arse-holes"


thanks Josie J
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-------------------------------------

"Doc, you've gotta help me!

My wife just isn't interested in sleeping with me anymore!

No passion, nothing!

Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe--"
"Doc, we've been friends for years.

Have you ever seen me this upset?

I am desperate! I can't think, I can't concentrate,

my life is utterly falling apart! You've got to help me, man!"

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.

"Okay, okay. Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this.

These are experimental.

The tests so far indicate that they're very powerful.

Don't give her more than one, understand? Just one."
"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee.
Okay?"
"Um... Okay."
The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home,

where his wife has dinner waiting.

When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert.

The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket

and drops one into his wife's coffee.

He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
Then he begins to worry.

The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake

and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish,

his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily,

and a strange look comes over her.

In a near-whisper he has never heard her use before, she says,

"I... need...a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies

"Me... too..."

------------

Great Wall of China

Great Wall of China

-----------------------------------------

Blast from the Past



---------------------------------------


How Twins are made

thanks to all those who sent this

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Signs like this make sense

--------------------------------------------------------

thanks Liz Z

-----------------------------------

Road trains at Helen Springs

-----------------

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life,

or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,

Walter and his wife, Ann,

listened to the instructor declare

,"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things

that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men,

"Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently,

and whispered,

"Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?

"And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

-----------------------------------------------------

------

--------------------------

A rich man walks into the Dean's Office at a small college.

"I'd like to donate several million dollars to the institution."

"Why, that's very generous of you."

"But there is one condition: I'd like you to bestow an honorary degree."

"That's no problem; no problem at all."

"I haven't finished. I want an honorary degree for my horse."

"Your horse?"

"Yup, you bet. She carried me for many a year and I owe her a lot.

I'd like her to receive her Tr.d. - Doctor of Transportation."

"I'm sorry, we can't give a degree to a horse. What will people think?"

"Well, I'll just take my donation to another educational institution."

"Wait, wait! Let me consult with the school trustees."

The dean calls a hurried trustee meeting

and relays the details of the deal.

All of the board except the oldest member reacts with shock and dismay.

The oldest trustee looks like he's sleeping through the meeting.

After all the arguments, the old man says,

"Take the money and give the horse the degree."

"What? Don't you think that would disgrace the college?"

"We give honorary degrees to lawyers, don't we?"

"Yes, but ...""We give honorary degrees to politicians, don't we?"

"Yes ..."

"So what's wrong with giving an honorary degree to the entire horse?"

-------------------------------------

---------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.