374

----

SOMETHING AUSSIE

****************

************

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub.

He made such a racket hitting into the furniture

as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom.

"Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the neighbors!"

"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.

"I can't," he said,

"I've drank it already."

**************

Those Funny Animals

thanks Peter H

*******************


Viagra A man suffering from impotence went to see a specialist.
The doctor gave him a prescription that he was to take faithfully three times a day,
and always with food.
Two days later the man was at a formal banquet
and didn't want any of the other guests to spot
and possibly identify his pink and purple capsule medication.
So he instructed the waiter to empty the capsule into his soup,
thinking he could eat his soup openly with everyone else,
take his medication, and preserve his privacy all at the same time.
However, when the soup was served everyone received a bowl of it but the man,
who began feeling conspicuous and angry.
He confronted the waiter and asked why he hadn't been served his "special" soup.
"Well, sir, I poured your medication into your bowl as instructed.
Since then, I have been waiting for the noodles to lie down."


**************

The younger generation

*************************

Gotta love this....very clever





thanks Liz Z


**************

****************

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.

"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired

."Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.

No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem.

You just need to work on your self-esteem.

Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.

Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, an attractive person.

But say it with real conviction.

Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright.

For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life

with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied.

"My wife does."


************

Janey Cutler - Britain's Got Talent 2010 - Auditions Week 4 @ Yahoo! Video

thanks Duke
*******************

thanks Josie J

**************

Blast from the Past

He's still got it

in fact he sounds better than ever





******************

One day, a long time ago, when I was young and commas were commonplace,

I walked into a pub and noticed two pieces of meat on the ceiling.
Not that the pieces of rump steak were large or ostentatious or anything.

It was just that they were there.

It was the unusualness of their situation which drew my attention to them.

Way up there on the ceiling.
I walked across to the bar and ordered a double Old Granddad and Coke.

I was going through my pretentious stage.
The bar man asked me,

“Do you want to participate in our competition?”
I looked around but no one else seemed to be paying attention.

In a rather puzzled way I asked him,

“What’s it all about?”
The barman told me,

“All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling

and you get a free drink!

If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink.”
I may have been young but my ears were dry,

I may have been pretentious but I wasn’t stupid!
“No I don’t think so, mate,”

I said to him…………
…”the steaks are too high”

stolen from Archies Archives


---------

His father agreed that he could go to the fair,

but as the young man was leaving on his donkey his father called after him.

"Just remember, you must take the long way home if it is after midnight!

Whatever you do, do not try to take the shortcut through the Magic Forest!"

The son had a wonderful time at the fair.

Unfortunately, it was very late when the dancing and singing ended

and, despite his father's warning,

he started back through the Magic Forest.

Midway along the path,

a gnome suddenly appeared and shook his fist at the young man.

"How dare you trespass on our property after midnight!" the gnome cried.

"Just for that, I am going to change your donkey into a dragon!"

And with a snap of his little fingers, he did.

The boy was startled to find himself riding a dragon.

However, the beast behaved surprisingly well,

and they made it home without incident.

When he arrived home, the young man's father was waiting up for him.

"Are you all right?" the old man asked anxiously.

"Oh yes, Father! I had a wonderful time!" replied the boy.

"Everything is fine, then, is it?" asked his father.

"Well, I must confess one thing," said the exhausted boy,

"my ass is a draggin'!"

-- Bill Stebbins

***************






Pun Toons

World peas[ce]

****************

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk,

suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree,

then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail.

Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An answer I can understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:

"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

thanks Josie J


************

thanks Josie J

***********

Acupuncture

******************

thanks Josie J
******************

***********

One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."

That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted.

"I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.

By now I was suspicious.

"How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.

"I don't know any of these people," he said,

"but I'm the only gravedigger in town."

***********





Phones and Texting

*****************

Sex after fifty

Jill: What's that book you're reading?

Mary: SEX AFTER FIFTY.

Jill: Is it good?

Mary: It's terrific! And the book's not bad either.

Jill: Oh! Where did you get it?

Mary: My friend Rick gave it to me.

Jill: He gave you SEX AFTER FIFTY?

Mary: Um-hmm, and before 50 too!


*********

lol!!





*************




PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this






From Wikipedia ...
Lennie Peters (born Lennard Sargent)

was blinded in one eye during a car accident when he was five years old.

A thrown brick blinded his other eye when he was sixteen.

Before Peters and Lee he was a pianist playing the London pub scene.

Lennie Peters died from bone cancer in 1992 aged 53

------

Disclaimer

\All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

my asma...thanks Liz Z