426

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His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair,

 his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.

"Ah well, to be sure Paddy would be pleased," she said.

"To be sure you're right,"

Replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"

"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."

"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"

Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church.

 The whiskey, wine and snacks were another £500.

The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly.

"For the love of God Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone?

 How big is it?"

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thanks Jayne M

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An online hoax that falsely suggests McDonald's discriminates

 against African-American customers is causing

 a PR headache for the Golden Arches.

Over the weekend, the photograph above circulated widely on the internet.

 The image shows what looks like an official McDonald's notice in the window of a restaurant,

 telling customers that blacks will be charged $1.50 extra "

as an insurance measure due in part to a recent string of robberies."

Many internet users retweeted the photo, using the words "Seriously McDonald's,"

 to express their disapproval of the burger chain.

In response, McDonald's sent a tweet of its own on Saturday:

"That pic is a senseless & ignorant hoax McD's values ALL our customers.

 Diversity runs deep in our culture on both sides of the counter."

But that clearly wasn't enough to clear things up, because

 Twitter users continued to send out the picture,

with that same message of condemnation: "Seriously McDonald's."

 Indeed, so many people sent "Seriously McDonald's" Tweets

 that the phrase became a leading entry on Twitter's trend list.

That led to a second, blunter McTweet, on Sunday:

"That Seriously McDonalds picture is a hoax."

The latest pushback effort seems to have helped

keep the photo from spreading too much further-

-but there's no telling how many people out there still think the photo is for real.

This is hardly the only recent barrage of negative publicity for the burger behemoth

--some of it more justified. McDonalds CEO Jim Skinner

 recently was forced to defend the company's renewed use of the Ronald McDonald

 mascot to appeal to children, after critics said the restaurant's

 fat-laden burgers and fries endanger kids' health.

It's not clear who created the hoax image.

 It appears to have first showed up on the popular 4chan message board,

 and it was posted last year on an anti-McDonald's blog.

But there's no doubt it's fake.

 As some Twitter users have pointed out,

 the toll-free number given at the bottom of the sign is actually the number for

... Kentucky Fried Chicken.

thanks Toni

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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda ticked off

because he doesn't want to be yellow.

 Life would be easier if he were green like the other toads..

 He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

 Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like the other toads.

 I am tired of being so visible to predators."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says,

"Toadra-capokus! You're green!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package,

 which is still yellow.

 He says to the fairy godmother:

 "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies:

 "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

 The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.

 As luck would have it,

 he also encounters the very same fairy godmother.

 He implores her:

 "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like all the other bears.

 None of the lady bears want to be seen with me

on account that the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says

:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is,

in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries.

 They remain purple.

He says: "My Wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies:

 "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers:

 "That's easy...

Just follow the yellowdick Toad!"

thanks krz

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Fashioniable Gadaffi

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A Golf Lesson

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.

 Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman

carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf

had an emergency that called him away

and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said,

 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore.

 If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories

or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.

 But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it,

 so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee.

 She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said,

 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots,

 the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.

 (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

 The blonde frowned and said,

 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club.

I've left a tricky little putt.'

 She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole,

 knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards

away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys,

 quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par,

 and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said,

 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists

and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot,

but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole

I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him,

 fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought!

He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said,

 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm.

It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.

 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right

and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,

 picked it up and handed it to her and said,

'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

thanks Kitty L

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Those Funny Animals

thanks Jayne M

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White House Wal Mart

thanks Kitty L

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How cool is this!!

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Cattle Station Helen Springs Australia

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thanks Jayne M

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Pictures from Chile

Volcanic ash reached Australia and closed all Southern State airports

Things are almost back to normal with most airports open

thanks Glynis G

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Only in Australia

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The orchestra was preparing to perform their annual benefit,

 but the orchestra leader was nowhere to be found.

 They delayed as long as possible and finally decided

 to ask for a volunteer from the audience.

First they gave the baton to a fireman.

 Alas, he had no rhythm and the orchestra fell into disarray.

 Secondly, a doctor offered to give it a try,

 but he didn't have a feel for the dynamics

 and the music sounded too mechanical.

Finally, a police officer saved the day.

 He took the baton and led the orchestra in,

 according to many in attendance,

 the best performance they could remember for years.

Of course, it should have been obvious:

 Copper is the best conductor. --

Todays Music


The Searchers

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More Black and White Images

Vanessa Redgrave and Daughters

Rocky Marciano defeats Jersey Joe Walcott

James Dean

Ann Margaret and Elvis Presley

Malcolm McDowell from Clockwork Orange [Movie]

Dustin Hoffman aged 30

Frank and Nancy Sinatra

Malcolm X

Tarzan and Cheetah

Mother Teresa

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Jim Hanks

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Be Careful

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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
 "You are on my list,  but I have no room for you.
 You definitely have to stay here,
 so I'll  tell you what I'm going to do.
 I've got a couple of folks here who
 weren't quite as bad as you
. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
 I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
 OJ thought that sounded pretty good,
 so the devil opened the door to  the first room.
 In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water.
 Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
 Over, and over, and over he dived in
and  surfaced with nothing.
 Such was his fate in hell.
 "No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer,
 and I don't  think I could do that all day long."
 The devil led him to the door of the next room.
 In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he  did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
 "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would  be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
 commented OJ.
 The devil opened a third door.
Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying  on the bed, his arms tied over his head,
 and his legs restrained in a  spread-eagle pose.
 Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she  does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief,
 and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
 The devil smiled and said .. . . . .
(This is priceless)
 "OK, Monica,
 you're free to go."

thanks Kitty L

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Q: “Do you know the punishment for bigamy?”

A: ” Two Mother-in Laws!”

=====================================

A friend and I were watching a film when a character called another a nymphomaniac.

"What's that mean?" she asked.

"It's a female who's addicted to sex," I answered.

"What do they call males who are addicted to sex?" she asked.

"Men."

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Front row seat at Kennedy Space Center
This is the stuff most of us DON'T see .
( It is silent until the last few seconds )



thanks Kitty L
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thanks Barnesy

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Joe was very depressed, and he explained to his friend
, "I just can't get over having three balls."

"Three Balls?!?
 Pal, we can make a FORTUNE together!"
"How?" Joe asked, as a smile returned to his face.
"We'll go to a bar and bet everyone that between you and the bartender,
 you have five balls. We can't lose!"
"Let's do it!" Joe said.
So they went to the nearest bar and ordered a few beers.
 They quickly got friendly with the crowd.
 Then they offered to bet $50 with each person that between Joe and the bartender,
 they had five balls."
 Nearly everyone rushed over to take the bet.
 But the bartender was shaking his head.
"You don't mind being part of this bet, do you?" Joe asked.
"Not at all," said the bartender.
 "I'm very impressed! Up until now,
 I've never met anyone with four balls.
I've only got one!"

 
 
 
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PICTURE OF THE DAY

WESTERN AUSTRALIA

Camels in the Outback


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY