440

-------

A new card trick

----

--

Patrick was spotted driving along the highway at a steady speed,
when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder
. He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk.
From a large bag, he produced a party hat, streamers,
 a bottle of lemonade, several sandwiches and a cake.
After eating the food and drinking the lemonade,
 he launched into a little Irish jig.
 The whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes,
 after which he got back in his car and drove off.
Curious, the police officer, who'd watched from a distance, followed him.
 Half an hour later, they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure.
This was too much for the officers,
so they decided to check him out
. "Can we ask you the reason for all the stops
 and the food, drink and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.
"Well, sir," explained Patrick, "I'm on the company outing."
"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.
"Yes, I know," replied Patrick. "I'm self-employed!"


-----






----




 Those funny animals

------------------

--

A phone bill came out exceptionally high. Big Dad,

 the head of household called an immediate meeting of the family.

 Dad pleaded, "I do not use our phone unless someone calls at home.

 I use work phone for local, national and international phone calls."

The son explained,

 "Me too dad, I use my work phone, or borrow friends' phone

 but rarely call some one on our home phone"

The daughter said same thing

. "Dad I am so busy with work and promotion

 that I always use work phone and rarely use home phone."

Mom was in line with others

 and said I use my work phone and never have time to use home phone."

They all looked to maid who was listening.

 The maid got annoyed and said I am no different and same way,

 "I work here and use my work phone."

 -----------

--

Food for thought

-

------

Neil Diamond

-----

Live long enough to embrass your kids

Words of Wisdom

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine.

thanks Kitty L

----

---

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it


********************

I had amnesia once—or twice

********************

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?

********************

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy

********************

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

********************

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll

never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

********************

My weight is perfect for my height–which varies.

********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

********************

How can there be self-help “groups”?

********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who

can’t get his pants off

********************

Is it me –or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

-----------------------

A guy goes to the California Department of Transportation office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, a bomb exploded near me, and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says,

"OK, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now.

 Our normal hours are from 8A to 4P.

 You can start tomorrow at 10A, and plan on starting at 10A every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks,

 "If the work hours are from 8A to 4P, why don't you want me here until 10A?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

 "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee

and scratching our balls.

No point in you coming in for that. "

thanks Duke

----

----

---

 

---------------------------------

------

thanks Corey P G

------------

thanks Jayne M

-----

--

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun.

A mama cat and her kitten were walking by.

The kitten complained, “Mama, I’m soooo hungry, what can we eat?”

To which the mama cat, spying the two birds, replied,

 “How about some… Baskin’ Robins?”

----

In Bread Cat

An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class.

 He had noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep.

The professor was annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the air,

 and he bounced it off the sleeper's skull.

Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.

"That," said the professor,

 "was a flying Chaucer."

-----------------------------

--

Golf Cart Fails

[warning some strong language]

--

------

• You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

 You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,
 covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house..
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
 We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver
to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So,she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
 I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
 She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck
. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
 But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs
 and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.


-----------

Cell phone Karma

---

--

Demotivational Posters

----

--

Don McLean

-----

----------------------------

#

#

#

#

#

#

#

#

thanks Jayne M

----

--

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

filmed in 11 countries in 44 days

Best viewed in full screen

------

---

Fail

EMBED-Backyard Waterslide Fail - Watch more free videos

----

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

-------

Disclaimer



All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.