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Australia and New Zealand

[only kidding NZ ....really]

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AMAZING TRACKS and PATHS

thanks Brett McG

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Absent-minded Professor

One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university

 his wife told her absent-minded husband

, "Don't forget we are moving today.

 If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."

Predictably, he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon.

 He mumbled to himself,

 "And where was it we were moving to?"

He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl,

 "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Would you know which way it went?"

She looked up at him and said,

 "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

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The Delivery

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Those Funny Animals

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Dentist

Linda fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks,

 and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters

 in the dental clinic after hours.

But one day he said sadly, "Linda honey, we've got to stop seeing each other.

 Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

 "No way, sweetheart, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.

 "Besides, we've been having a good time for six months now

 and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist

"but you're down to one tooth!"

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LAWYERS
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations
 that custom officials must follow.
 But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler.
 The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"
My boss stood up and proclaimed,
"I am the alligator, your honor."

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A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest,

 in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe.

He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake

 with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help,

 and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen,

 who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

“But you don”t understand!” he cries,

“You can”t do this to me!

 I”m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!”

“Ah,” replies the tribesman,

“Well look on the bright side.

Soon you will be editor-in-chief!”

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For the oldies out there!!

   

thanks Kitty L

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Family Xmas Snaps!!

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Global Warming

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thanks Gordon H

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On a recent trip to the Philippines, the President of the United States

was visiting Manila and taking in the sights.

 He traveled throughout the city and was entertained by the artisans wherever he went.

At one particularly interesting stop,

 he was impressed with the ability of a young man

who bent himself into the smallest of bundles

 and crammed himself into small boxes and pots, time and time again.

"I simply have to know who that boy is," the president said.

"Sir," his aide replied.

 "I'm surprised you don't already know him.

 He's the original Manila folder."



Punny Restaurants

I dreamt I was drafted into the army, which at age forty,

was something of a surprise.

 My drill sergeant at basic training was a big, mean tough career Army woman,

 named Tina.

 While climbing ropes I fell and broke my leg, but --

 due to army regulations --

I was required to report to the infirmary without assistance.

As I was painfully limping away dragging a broken leg,

 my Drill Sergeant became upset at the situation and nearly broke down.

 I turned back towards her and said,

 "Don't cry for me, Sergeant Tina!"

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Illusions

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scroll down for answers

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Only at the Walmart

the  Walmart Song

thanks Gordon H

Some  Demotivators

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Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling.

 So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them,

I had to set him straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f.

 In case you've forgotten,

spell checker comes free with your software."

A minute later, I got this reply.

"Mine must be dephective."

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Bad Luck

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Isn't parenting fun!!!

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Linda Ronstadt

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

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