530

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something to kick start your day

Merci!!!

 

like all videos on Phils Phun they are best screened in full view

thanks Annamaria T

 

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Aussies can get through anything

During the recent flood in a small town,

a young girl was perched on top of a house with a boy.

As they sat watching articles float by in the water, 

they noticed a large old hat go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, 

then turned around and went downstream.

After it had gone some distance,

 again it turned and came back.

They watched as it did this a number of times.

 "Do you see that hat?" 

said the girl in amazement.

"First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back,

 then it goes back downstream

 and then it comes back again."

"Oh, it's only my dad," replied the boy.

"This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water,

 he had to mow the lawn today."

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January 26th is Australia Day

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A preacher said, 

"Anyone with 'special needs'

 who wants to be prayed over, 

please come to the front by the altar."
With that, an Aboriginal man got in line,

 and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,

 "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Mulrunji replied, 

"Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear,

 placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head,

 and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, 

and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands,

 stood back and asked,
"Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"
Mulrunji answered,

 "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"

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 Those Funny Animals

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This video is from all the way back to the Reagan Presidency.

 He is sitting along side of Speaker of the House Tip O'Neil, 

enjoying an evening together at the Ford theater.

 A very funny act takes place on stage.

 With all the security that take place around Presidents today,

 nothing the performer does could ever take place.

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Some very Cool pictures!!!

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When Lena got off work ,

 it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point

that visibility was almost zero. 

She made her way to her car and wondered

how she was going to get home. 

She sat in the car while it warmed up 

and thought about her situation. 

She remembered her husband's advice that

 if she got caught in a blizzard, 

she should wait for a snow plough to come by and follow it. 

That way she would

not have to worry about going off the road

 or getting stuck in a snow drift. 

Sure enough, in a little while,

 a snow plough went by and she pulled out

 and began to follow it. 

As she followed the snow plough,

 she felt quite comfortable and smug 

as they continued on their way and she was not having

any problem with the blizzard or road conditions. 

After some time had passed, 

she was somewhat surprised when the snow plough stopped. 

The driver got out of the cab and came back to her car.

 He signaled her to roll down her window 

and asked if she was all right, 

as she had been following him for a long time. 

Lena said she was fine and told him of her husbands advice

 to follow a plough when caught in a blizzard. 

The driver replied it was okay with him 

and that she could continue to follow him if she wanted, ....

 but he wanted her to know that he was done

with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Canadian Tire next

thanks Don H

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Romancing the Wind

thanks Ray S

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POSTERS

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Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica.

“Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”

“Of course not, Noah. I love music.

 In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”

“What happened?”

“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood.

 The dam broke and when the water hit out house

 it knocked it right off the foundation.

 Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”

“How about you?”

“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

 stolen from Archies Archives

 there was a little girl named Alice

who lived with her aunt in a house near the edge of a swamp.

One day, her aunt said “Let’s have a picnic”.

So they took some utensils and a barbeque down to a little island in the swamp.

Her aunt started up the barbeque.

Then she held a frying pan close to the surface of the water in the swamp

 and kept saying the word

“Ribbett” over and over again.

Soon, frogs started to appear from all directions

and leaped into the frying pan.

When the pan was full of frogs,

 her aunt put it on the barbeque.

“NO, NO, NO!” cried Alice, “you’ll hurt them”.

“How else are we to get frog’s legs for supper?”

 asked her aunt.

“You must always let leaping frogs fry.”

 stolen from Archies Archives

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THIS MAN OWNED AND DROVE THE SAME CAR FOR 82 YEARS

They certainly don't make cars like that anymore.
Can you imagine even having the same car for 82 years!
"What is the longest you have owned a car?"

Mr Allen Swift (Springfield, MA.) received this 1928 Rolls-Royce Piccadilly-P1 Roadster

from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in 1928.

He drove it up until his death last year ... at the age of 102!
He was the oldest living owner of a car that was purchased new.

It was donated to a Springfield museum after his death.

It has 1,070,000 miles on it, still runs like a Swiss watch, dead silent at any speed and is in virtually perfect condition (after 82 years). 

That's approximately 13,048 miles per year

(1,087 per month).

thanks Ray S

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Britain's got Talent

move over Susan Boyle

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Franchise's  available!!!

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 Duplex

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Frosty the Snowman

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Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?

A: A whine cellar.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?

A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don’t vultures them?

A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. Of 10?

A: A lawyer.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. Of 50?

A: Your honor.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What’s the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?

A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What’s the definition of a lawyer?

A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

A: No changes occur.

Q: What’s the difference between G-d and an attorney?

A: G-d doesn’t think he’s an attorney.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement? 

A: Not enough cement.

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?

A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.

Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?

A: Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fifty four.
 Eight to argue, one to get a continuance,
one to object, one to demur,

two to research precedents,
 one to dictate a letter,
 one to stipulate,
five to turn in their time cards,
one to depose,
 one to write interrogatories,
two to settle,
one to order a secretary to change the bulb,
 and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?

A: In the cemetery.

Q: Where else can you find a good lawyer?

A: At the city morgue.

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Nike, Golf and Tiger Woods

 

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Women

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense

thing is no myth. Women usually seem to know what's

going on in their man's lives almost better than they

do themselves. Why is this?

They empty his pockets before throwing his laundry into

the washing machine.

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Seniors

$5.37! 

That's what the kid behind the counter
at Tim Horton's said to me..

 I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint

 and two dimes and something that used to be a Lifesaver.

 Having already handed the kid a five-spot, 

I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change 

when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the worst thing

 anyone has ever said to me. 

He said, "It's OK.
I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to

 and then heard the sound of change hitting
the counter in front of me. 

"Only $4..68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet.

 A mere child!

 Senior citizen?

I took my food and walked out to the truck wondering

 what was wrong with Elmo. 

Was he blind? 

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.

 Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought.

 I opened the door and headed back inside. 

I strode to the counter,

 and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word,

 he held up something and jingled it in front of me, 

like I could be that easily distracted!

 What am I now?

 A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

 I stared with utter disdain at the keys. 

I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! 

It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.

 I slipped the key into the ignition, 

but it wouldn't turn.

 What now? 

I checked my keys and tried another.

 Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads 

hanging from my rear view mirror. 

I had no purple beads hanging 

from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus.

 The car seat in the back seat..

 Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.

 A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba,

 I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,

 relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

 That is when I felt it,

 deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!

 My stomach growled and churned,

 and I reached to grab my coffee, 

only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage,

 and strode back into the restaurant one final time. 

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.

 All I could think was,

 "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, 

"Did I leave my food and drink in here"? 

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout

 to help me back to my vehicle, 

and then go straight home 

and apply for Social Assistance benefits..

Elmo had no clue. 

I walked back out to the truck, 

and suddenly a young lad came up 

and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. 

He was holding up a drink and a bag. 

His mother explained, 

"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy 

and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: 

"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40.

 Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Prius.

 And no,

 I told the officer,

 I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door,

 my wife met me halfway down the hall.

 I handed her a bag of cold food

 and a $300 speeding ticket.

 I promptly sat in my rocking chair 

and covered up my legs with a blanket.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

P.S. Save the earth....... 

It's the only planet with seniors discount

\thanks Don H

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Only in America

Mean while in Finland

 

 

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This weeks Signs

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As the manager of our hospital's softball team,

 I was responsible for returning equipment

to the proper owners at the end of the season.

 

When I walked into the surgery department

carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons,

I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

"Look, honey," one man said to his wife.

"Here comes your anesthesiologist."

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Topical

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

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are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.