534

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The Bridge

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Only in Australia

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A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed,

 tubes coming out everywhere. 

A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

 Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking, etc...

A couple more weeks went by before one of them

 had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say

, "Scottish." 

The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said,

 "Irish." 

This act tired them out so badly it was a week

 before the first summoned up the strength to say,

 "Glasgow." 

Again, the second replied in a weak frail voice,

 "Dublin." 

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. 

Days passed before the first man managed

 to again point to himself and say, 

"Jimmy."

Replied the other,

 "Paddy."

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again

 and rasp out weakly,

 "Cancer."

 Paddy responded,

 "Sagittarius."

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Topical

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The Absent-Minded Preacher

I was talking to my preacher and noticed he had cut himself shaving, 

so I asked him about it.

He said he was concentrating on his sermon while shaving,

 and had nicked his chin.

I thought about that during the service.

After he was done, I stood in line to greet him after the service.

I told him that I thought about what he had said.

“And…?” he replied.

I told him next time, he should concentrate on what he was doing,

 and cut his sermon instead.

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BRITAINS GOT TALENT

\

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Valentines Day

In answer to the Valentines Day card

 I received from my girlfriend this year:

I'm afraid you were wrong when you wrote that love causes the tide to turn.

 It is actually the result of the changing positions of the Moon and Sun 

relative to the Earth, coupled with the effects of Earth rotation

 and the bathymetry of oceans, seas and estuaries.

In addition to this,

 it is not love which makes the stars shine.

 Instead, a star shines as a result of a thermonuclear fusion 

in its core releasing energy that traverses the star's interior 

and then radiates into outer space.

Also, it is not love that makes flowers grow. 

It is, in fact, a complex electron transfer process known as photosynthesis,

 when chlorophyll reacts to the light created by the sun.

Finally, kisses, believe it or not, are not rain drops. 

Rain drops are, as it happens, liquid precipitation. 

It is the condensation of atmospheric water vapor

 into drops heavy enough to fall, not kisses.

To conclude, this relationship is not working. 

As nice as you are,

 I can not stand to listen to your drivel any longer.

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife 

anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist,

 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That's nice of you,' Jim added,

 'I hope she'll appreciate them.'

Tony smiled as he replied,

 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

I think my girlfriend's sick of me getting the wrong presents for her for Valentine's Day. 

As a hint, she's written down her dress and bra sizes onto a bit of paper for me.

I don't know how helpful they're going to be when I'm in K-Mart buying her a new kettle...

-----------------------

I bought my wife a new iron for Valentine's Day.

She was so happy that she ran out of the house crying with emotion.

She must still be out telling her friends how wonderful I am as she's not back yet.

Saudi text -

'Happy valentines day xxx'

Send to: Group: Wives

--------------

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received

 some flowers for Valentines Day, 

they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers."

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Volkswagon

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--

Posters

Flash Mob in Antwerp

thanks Joe B

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If this doesn't make you smile!!

Nothing will

Those Funny Animals

Excited Kitten saying Hi !!

thanks Frist F

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Went Fishing, Caught 4 Deer 

A once in the history of mankind kind of thing. 

The Best Day Of Fishing Ever!

Some fishing stories are a little hard to believe,

but this guy has pictures to prove his story...

I've heard of salmon jumping into boats,

but never anything quite like this...

Tom Satre told the Sitka Gazette that he was out

with a charter group on his 62-foot fishing vessel

when four juvenile black-tailed deer swam directly

toward his boat.

"Once the deer reached the boat, the four began to circle

the boat, looking directly at us. We could tell right away that

the young bucks were distressed.

I opened up my back gate and we helped the typically

skittish and absolutely wild animals onto the boat. In all my

years fishing, I've never seen anything quite like it!

Once onboard, they collapsed with exhaustion, shivering."

"This is a picture I

took of the rescued bucks on the back

of my boat, the Alaska Quest.  

We headed for Taku Harbour . Once we reached the

dock, the first buck that had been pulled from the

water hopped onto the dock, looked back as if to say

'thank you' and disappeared into the forest.

After a bit of prodding and assistance, two more

followed, but the smallest deer needed a little more help.

My daughter, Anna, and son, Tim, helped the last buck

to its feet. We didn't know how long they had been in the

icy waters or if there had been others who did not survive.

My daughter later told me that the experience was something

that she would never forget, and I suspect the deer felt the same way as well!"

I told you! Awesome... huh?

Our Lord works in mysterious ways..

"Kindness is the language the blind

can see and the deaf can hear." - Mark Twain

thanks Kitty L

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Stunning Pictures

Windlass Bay   Tasmania

Preachers Rock    Norway

TinTan Budha    Hong Kong

Mount Poraima       Venzuela

Spirit Island Alberta Canada

Waterfall  China

Kaieteur Falls

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At the Duplex

Two old friends are playing golf when they get to the 9th tee, 

where there is a rest area overlooking a lake. 

Larry looks at Kenny and says,

 "Hey Ken, check out those two idiots fishing in the rain."

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There was an American Indian Chief who had three sons.

As they grew up, he gave them all the same advice: work hard,

 get a good education, and join a yacht club.

One by one, the boys succeeded, had great jobs,

 and were generally a benefit to the community, 

and were charter members of the local yacht club.

One day, the old chief called the boys together to talk about their success.

The lads had one question:

 “We understand the hard work and the education, 

but why did you want us in the yacht club?”.

The old chief replied, 

“I always wanted to see my red sons in the sail set…”

When Pierre and Marie Curie were honeymooning 

in their native France, 

they looked forward to visiting 

the bell tower at the Cathedral of Saint Lorraine near Nice. 

They anticipated that the playing of the famous bells

 while they were in the tower would be 

one of their fondest memories of their honeymoon. 

They were the first in line to purchase tickets 

to enter the tower on that cloudy morning 

when a sudden flash of lightning struck the tower,

 totally destroying it. 

The ticket-seller, surveying the results,

 immediately offered to sell tickets 

to see the ruins at half the usual price.

 The newlyweds accepted the offer thereby

 becoming the first husband and wife team 

to receive the no bell price.

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Women and Men

See the huge difference between
 what the house looks like when the wife is home,
 and when she is away.     

When the wife's at home vs. When the wife's away

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Ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.\

 (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?) ....

FOXY LADY :

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,

80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),

searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.

Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,

looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,

fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

----------------------------------------------------

SERENITY NOW :

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and

meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,

take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

----------------------------------------------------

WINNING SMILE :

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser

to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

----------------------------------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES ?

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on

Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.

If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,

let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

----------------------------------------------------

MEMORIES :

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.

If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads

together.

----------------------------------------------------

MINT CONDITION :

Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,

many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.

Not in running condition, but walks well.

thanks Toni S

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Its just a Modern World we live in!!

Lost Generations

Interesting..make sure you watch it all

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Misc...

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In Russia

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This weeks Signs

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.