574

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The Voice of China

Xmas Funnies

Burl Ives    Silver Bells

Fuuny Xmas Song

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Belated Thanksgiving funnies

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This certainly made me laugh

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Those Funny Animals

Cute Animals 2013

Bears acting like Humans

thanks Joanne W

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The Beauty of Pollination
View in full screen for best effect

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How to Die young

Sit for more than 11 hours a day

Run with the Bulls

 Angry animals with horns chasing you down narrow streets sounds like a death wish

Start a business in Russia without paying the Mafia

Move to Zhengzhou in China

Insult Kim Kong 11 while visiting North Korea

 If there is any place on Earth guaranteed to decrease your life expectancy,

 North Korea would certainly be a contender.

Become a drug dealer in Chicago

Eat lots of Hamburgers

Go Base jumping on weekends

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An old man and woman were married for many years.

 Whenever there was a confrontation,

 yelling could be heard deep into the night. 

The old man would shout,

 “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave

 and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. 

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. 

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack

 when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

 After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked 

“Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way

 out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife said,

 “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.

 And I know he won’t ask for directions.”



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Bill Cosby
Far from Finished

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Here we go again!!

Performing an Epic Land Rover Split is no easy feat 

and shouldn’t be undertaken by amateurs. 

The Land Rover is a rugged offload vehicle capable

 of operating in extreme conditions so that of course

 is where the epic spilt should be attempted.

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Beer

How to rescue a Russian Car from the ice

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Washed Ashore

There are two French Legionnaires in the desert,

nd they’ve been separated from their unit and are lost.

They’ve been wandering for several days without food and water, 

and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, 

when as they reach the top of a sand dune,

 they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

 Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage,

 but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders’ cries, 

and they eventually reach the market and realise that it’s really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder

, “Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, 

and have had no food or water. 

We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us. 

Tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?”

The stallholder shook his head and replied, 

“I’m sorry, French legionnaire type people,

 but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly,

 topped with custard and cream,

 and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.”

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, 

and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, 

“Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, 

we have been travelling through the desert for days,

deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. 

We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water.”

The stallholder looked at them embarressed, and confessed 

“Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, 

I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me.

All I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard

 and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake

 with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top, there,” he said,

 pointing out the glace cherry

. “I cannot help you.”

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation,

 and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, 

“Look, mate, we need water or we’ll die. 

We’ve been travelling without water for days and need some now

. Do you have any you can sell us?”

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, 

“Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream

 and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.

 I can’t help you.

 I’ll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration.”

The legionnaires were really worried by this point,

 and they went through the market, stall by stall,

 asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them,

 and thus save their lives,

 but each stallholder gave the same reply,

 all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard 

and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate,

 the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun

As they did so, one turned to the other and said,

 “That was really odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere,

 and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream 

and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.”

The other turned to face his companion and replied, 

“Yes, it was a trifle bazaar

The patient was face down on the bed while four doctors 

with a combined total of 81 years medical experience, 

examined his upraised buttocks.

In spite of all their training, the best they could come up with were comments like

 “I’ve never seen anything like it,”

 and “Beat’s me,” and 

“It must make life very uncomfortable for you, Mr. Higgenbottom.”

Higgenbottom managed a muffled hiss into a big, fluffy pillow

. Four other equally fluffy pillows were responsible for his buttocks

 jutting heavenward at such an embarrassing angle.

Out of the corner of one eye,

 Higgenbottom glimpsed a flash of latex.

One of the doctors had hauled on a rubber glove 

and unceremoniously grabbed a handful of Higgenbottom’s swollen behind.

 This produced a muffled howl from the pillow.

“What do you make of it, Bumstead?” asked Dr. Cheeks

, who had an irritating habit of addressing

 his colleagues by only their last names.

Dr. Bumstead, the oldest of the four,

 looked thoughtful as he took a closer look at the tiny scratch

which had apparently been responsible for Higgenbottom’s bottom 

now being roughly twice its normal size 

and more closely resembling an overripe purple pumpkin.

“That must be the mother of all rear end infections.

 Yes, sir, it’s hard to believe such a little scratch could have caused this.”

 He poked at the cut with the tip of a pen.

Higgenbottom shifted uncomfortably, not at all pleased 

with his new status as medical marvel.

“Have all the tests been run?” Bumstead asked.

“Yes, and they didn’t turn up anything unusual.”

“Nothing in the bloodstream?”

“Just blood.”

“Most unusual.”

“What, that there is blood in his bloodstream?”

Burnstead ignored the remark. 

It was the kind of thing you’d expect from the cheeky Cheeks.

“I guess it’s back to the medical books for’this one.

 We’re going to have to call in a specialist 

or Higgenbottom might never sit again.”

They all nodded in agreement.

“It’s hard to treat something unless you know what you’re up against,”

 Burnstead continued.

 “This is obviously more than an ordinary infection.

 It looks like a severe case of arse nick poisoning to me.”

In Baltimore, the Psychic Friends Network has filed for bankruptcy.

 They say they never saw it coming.

Insanity is hereditary. 

You get it from your kids!

It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored

 of playing chess with Russians. 

He asked the association to fix his next match

 with some other Europeans. 

It seems his telegram read,

 "How about a Czech mate?"

It's a good thing someone invented venetian blinds,

 otherwise, it would be "curtains" for everyone.

Jan. 19, 1896.... the first music patent was granted.

 The man who received it said he got it for a song.

Jurisprudence fetishists get off on technicalities

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!

Many years ago there was a small town 

that had several bakeries. 

One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn.

 He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state.

 Not only that, but they were also the least expensive.

 Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies,

 but Penn always sold more,

 for no one could beat the 

'pie rates of Penn's aunts'.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot befor

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Guard Fails

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The Personality Test

http://www.slideshare.net/javachai/dr-phil-test-1

[      I scored 46    ]

POSTERS

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Outstanding performance lip syncing by 4 young kids

. Gotta Love the Bass Singer.

thanks Wayne W

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Brave or just plain stupid!!!!!

-------------------------


"GO  US NAVY" 

This takes the term “model aircraft” to a whole new dimension

Amazing stuff.

 Next minute there won't be any engineers.

 They might make things to last instead

 of the alleged inbuilt redundancy.

Northrop Grumman's X-47B unmanned combat air system demonstrates

 how to successfully takeoff and land from the deck of a moving aircraft carrier

UAV Launch and Recovery Aboard Carrier (77) George HW Bush

     best viewed in Full Screen

thanks Gordon H  

 

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Phun Phacts

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This weeks music

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Deals too good to miss

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Funny Commercials

Some old ones here

but some I haven't seen before

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Miscellanous stuff

Facts to keep you up all night

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This weeks signs

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Paint me a Forest

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.