Phils Phun

262

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Yesterday was "Talk like a Pirate" day

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Please write on the blackboard 100 times
.......I am a pain in the ass

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A tough old cowboy from south Texas counseled his grandson
that if he wanted to live a long life,
the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson followed this advice religiously until the day he died at age 103.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren,
24 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

stolen from...Miss Cellania

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On the cover of the Rolling Stone

well, I made it!!!!
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Golfing Ladies

Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked:
"How did your game go?
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ...
making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.
The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.
The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and
said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.
The third lady then said that her round was average
and that she only had 10 riders.
The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day
and that she only had 2 riders all day long.
The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant.
But, because he didn't want to look dumb,
he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.
He then approached the bartender and asked
"Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"
The bartender simply smiled and said...
"A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.

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Cartoons.....At the Bar

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Its six years almost to the day we lost Slim Dusty

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Moving to Mexico

Dear Mr. President:
I'm planning to move my family and extended family into Mexico for my health,

and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico,

and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws.

I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need,

whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but, I don't plan to purchase car insurance,

and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo

from their president to leave me alone,

please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. Flag from my house top, put U S. Flag decals on my car,

and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th.

I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes,

or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice

and never say a critical things about me or my family,

or about the strain we might place on their economy.
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.
16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes,

I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $ 4,500 to help me buy a new car.
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program

so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things

for all his people who come to the U.S. From Mexico.

I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

You're the man!!!

thanks Duke
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Seeing I am in the mood for offending people,

this is for all those out there with cats all over their blogs

Please smile at this. It is so wrong, but its funny

thanks Peter H
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A rich man walks into the Dean's Office at a small college.

"I'd like to donate several million dollars to the institution."

"Why, that's very generous of you."

"But there is one condition: I'd like you to bestow an honorary degree."

"That's no problem; no problem at all."

"I haven't finished. I want an honorary degree for my horse."

"Your horse?!?"

"Yup, you bet. She carried me for many a year and I owe her a lot.

I'd like her to receive her Tr.d. -- Doctor of Transportation."

"I'm sorry, we can't give a degree to a horse. What will people think?"

"Well, I'll just take my donation to another educational institution."

"Wait, wait! Let me consult with the school trustees."

The dean calls a hurried trustee meeting and relays the details of the deal.

All of the board except the oldest member reacts with shock and dismay.

The oldest trustee looks like he's sleeping through the meeting.

After all the arguments, the old man says,

"Take the money and give the horse the degree."

"What? Don't you think that would disgrace the college?"

"We give honorary degrees to lawyers, don't we?"

"Yes, but ..."

"We give honorary degrees to politicians, don't we?"

"Yes ..."

"So what's wrong with giving an honorary degree to the entire horse?"

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John Williamson for my Canadian friends

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Remember these word puzzles called Wuzzles

See how you go

Answers below

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Politically correct version

Just before the Battle of Trafalgar, a conversation is overheard

on the poop deck of HMS Victory:

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud):

"England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability."

"What kind of gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.

We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free work environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration.

Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.

Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.

We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.

And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.

They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently enabled."

Nelson: "Differently enabled? I've only one arm and one eye

and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.

I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir.

Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen.

And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.

We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir.

You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life