263

I've always been crazy, it kept me from going insane


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Lost in Fog
"Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are.
The first guy says 'I'll find out' and puts his arm out the plane,
then brings it back in and says 'We're just over Paris'
'How do you know' ask the others
'Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower.'
Later on the second guy tries and says 'We just flew over London'
'How?' asks the others
'Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben'
Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane,
and says to the others 'We have just flown over Glasgow.'
'How do you know that?' comes the reply
.'Because some bastard has just stolen my watch."

stolen from...Slavenka and Obi
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One Bacon and Egg burger to go, mate!



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We have all spoken to this bloke


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
you have passed all the tests, except one.?
Unless you pass it,you cannot qualify for this job.
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.
The manager said,'Make a sentence using the wordsYellow, Pink, and Green.
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready'.
The manager said, 'Go ahead.
'Mujibar said,'The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say,Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.I know I have.

thanks Don H
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Golfers Christening


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So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards
off their boats?"
To which Murphy replies,"You Thick idiot - If they fell forwards
they'd still be in the bloody boat"

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The Candy with the Holes

The children began to identify the flavors by their color
:Red........................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green ....................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.
'One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

thanks Josie J

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Make sure you watch all of this
Brillant


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The first mobile phone

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A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche
and his parents began to yell and scream,
'Where did you get that truck???!!!
'He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'
'With what money?' demanded his parents.
They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.'
So theparents began to yell even louder.
'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they asked.
'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy.
I don't know her name -they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if Iwanted
to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'
'Oh myGoodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser.
Who knows what she will do next? John,
you go right up there and see what's going on.'
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom
she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars
and demanded to know why she did it.
'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
(Ithought he was on a business trip,
but learned from a friend he had runoff to Hawaii with his mistress
and really doesn't intend to come back).
He claimed he was stranded and needed cash,
and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.
So I did.'
(Are women good or what?)

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Wrong Book Store

thanks Geoff C

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Self Defense
"During a practical exercise at a military police base,

the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense.

After he presented a number of different situations

in which they might find themselves, he asked a student,

'What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?'

The student replied,

'BIG ones.'"


Stolen from..Slavenka and Obi

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Another Wuzzle for you

Answers at the bottom of post

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Be my Guest


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Friendship
·Are you tired of those weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good,

but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces on this post .

Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk

and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that

I would probably want to be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will take the mickey out of you every chance I get

until you're NOT.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse

it could be until YOU STOP WHINING!
6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.

I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will laugh at you, you clumsy bugger,but I'll help you up.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;

Because you are my friend.
Friendship is like piddling your pants,

everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

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Bitches

What can I say!!!!


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When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,

'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

.'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman

enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.

'She responded to my puzzled look by saying,

'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night,

I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping

at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s.

She couldn't decide which one to take,

so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes,

so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.

'We went on to the jewellery department

where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited.

She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet

when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,

'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,

'No honey, I don't feel like it.

'Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man

enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,

I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

but at least that knows I'm smarter than her.

thanks Jammo

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Ain't this the truth, Did it only this morning



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

For the Ladies
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

2. Women don't make fools of men...most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason.... you're sick of him.

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husbandto do.

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one...they try harder.

7. Go for younger men...You might as well...they never mature anyway.

8. Men are all the same...they just have different faces so you can tellthem apart.

9. Definition of a man with manners...he gets out of the bath to pee.

10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband,

you will usually find that he does.

11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... a woman.

12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men ... strong,caring, loving ...

they'd be wrong but you could still use them.

13. Men are like animals...messy, insensitive and potentially violent,

but they make great pets.

14. Men's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per man.

15. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men..."don't" and "stop"

(Unless they're used together).

16. Husbands are like children ... they're fine if they're someone else's.

17. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart ...

give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.

18. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.

19. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden ...

he is probably checking out the woman behind you.

20. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a jar..

.once you think you have it all put together,

you find another piece

but don't know where it goes.

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Wuzzle answers

1. A tune up

2. For rent

3. Looking high and low

4. Merry go round

5. Four square

6. Three little pigs

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.