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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time,
and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks,
and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He asks, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn't know. I uh . . ."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."


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For those Carpenters out there

stolen from... Miss Cellania

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This is the latest in smart cars

This is the not so smart car


thanks Liz Z
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That will fix it

thanks Geoff C

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The Honeycombs

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Bad Day


thanks Liz Z

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A long time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad.
Looking at his dad's hands, the boy said,
"Papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well Tony," Papa said,
"you see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta.
You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book,
and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married,
and your little finga, you use to picka you nose.
And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past.
It was now Tony's wedding day.
It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left,
Tony went to have a talk with Papa.
Tony said, "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want,
and I turna many a pages with my thumb,
I've picked my nose with this little one,
now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life,
but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said,
"Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times
and you may become tired,
when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa,
that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say,
'Go back to sleep you silly woman'."

Stolen from... Miss Cellania

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Walk in beer fridge [follow up ad]



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A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .

They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such,

when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,

'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them,

'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed,

but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,

something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table,

yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,

and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming:

'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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Wuzzles

answers below

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Stupid

Sure wish someone would invent something to

keep the sun out of my eyes!!!

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Two young men are speculating on how long they might live,

and one says he thinks he has a long life ahead of him.

"After all," he says, "my grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him?" the other man asks.

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show you," snickers the friend,

"both will get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what you think," says the first man.

"Toward the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one,

so he just laid down and died."

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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Old is when …

OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD'IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN.... You are not sure these are jokes?


Wuzzle Answers
1. Think Twice About It

2. Walk on Water

3. Space Invaders

4. You Are Always on my Mind

5. Keep on Smiling

6. It Doesn't Add Up

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.