275

Sax and Violence



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Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age,
in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex
and according to her Grandmother
all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem and since there was no trustworthy doctor
anywhere in the village, they went to see the Veterinarian.
The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer,
his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding,
with a big towel.
This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told Paddy and Maggie to hire a strong, virile young man
to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin
to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners
and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes,
one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and,
in a boasting voice, said:
“And that, me son, is how ya waves a towel.”

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HAVE YOU SEEN MY MOOSE?
Without the picture, this would be hard to believe.
Read under the picture..

Moose Incident - Fairbanks, Alaska
"They were laying new power cables which were strung on the ground for miles.
The moose are rutting right now and very agitated.
He was thrashing around and got his antlers stuck in the cables.
When the men (miles away) began pulling the lines up with their big equipment
the moose went up with them.
They noticed excess tension in the lines
and went searching for the problem.
He was still alive when they lowered him to the ground..
He was a huge 60 inch bull and slightly peeved!"

thanks Liz Z

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A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,dirt and blood.
He asks his friend,"What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood...
But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park.
-----------------------------------



-----------------------
The Two Ronnies


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A young man was planning to get married
and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said,
'Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel.'
The man was astonished and asked,
'So what do I do with these?'
The doc replied,
'Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue.
If she says,
'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw',
you hit her head with the shovel.'

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Because the train will win



Look out for Police cars

Elephant Potty

thanks Liz Z

----------------------------

------------------------------

The U. S. S. Constitution (Old Ironsides),

as a combat vessel, carried48,600 gallons of fresh water

for her crew of 475 officers and men.

This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea.

She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her ship's log,

"On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston

with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water,

7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October,

she took on 826 pounds of flour and68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November.

She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England ..

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war

and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships,

salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted.

Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland

. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery

and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799,

with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky,

and38,600 gallons of water.

GO NAVY....

thanks Gordon H


--------------------------------

Jessi Colter

Waylon Jennings and Jessi Colter

Waylon Jennings ....[in his younger days]

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Help the needy!!!!

-------------------------------------------

My neighbour found her dog could hardly hear,

so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted

to keep this from recurring she should go to the pharmacy

and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once month.

The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the Pharmacist tells her,

"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The Pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either;

if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The Pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

--------------------------------------------------------

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

"Please describe," said his attorney,

"the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.

"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued,

"we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking,

really making the bedsprings bounce,

when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,

'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"


------------------------------------


spotted in the northern suburbs of Perth

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These will get me into trouble with "her indoors"

Some more Bill Haley



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY and THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION

.4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HAEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?




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are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.