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Phils Phun is back after spending the last 10 day

[including Easter]

working in Augusta south of Perth

Hope you all had an enjoyable Easter

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For those who do not know Centrelink

It is a Government funded organisation in Australia

that supports people out of work

[I think I'm doing something wrong by working full time]

thanks Gordon H

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Cowboy

The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican,

also dressed in western garb sat next to him.

There was a slight nod as they looked at each other.

Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also.

When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again.

Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned

and spoke something but the bartender never knew what he said.

Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated

and stood up suddenly drawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead.

At the cowboy's hearing the judge asked the cowboy,

"Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason

and shoot this individual dead?"

"Well, The cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly

and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad."

"What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him?"

asked the Judge

."Well, answered the cowboy, three times I bought him a drink,

and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass..."
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thanks Josie J and Liz Z

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In a department store, a difficult customer and a very patient clerk

were having a hard time getting together.

Nothing the clerk provided was suitable.

Finally, the finicky shopper said in annoyance,

"Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"

"No," said the saleswoman.

"The smarter clerk saw you coming and disappeared."

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Close Encounters of the Redneck Kind from Marc Bullard on Vimeo.

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seems this bloke is not too sure

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Those funny animals

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It was cold and flu season

. The Rabbi was not happy with the constant coughing disturbing his sermons

so he decided to call on old Abe to help him solve the problem.

Comes the next Saturday morning,

the Rabbi gave old Abe a bowl of cough drops and instructions

to give to a cough drop to anycongregation member who was coughing.

So following his Rabbi's orders,

every time a member coughed,

oldAbe walked over and gave them a cough drop

.The Rabbi noticed that each time he did this

, the member then stood up left the sermon.

At the end of the service, half ofthe members were gone

.After services the Rabbi calls old Abe at home

and asked what he said to the members that made them leave the hall

.Old Abe says, "So vat did I say ? ...

All that I said wuz,'the Rabbi said for cough!'

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God was tired and worn out.

So he spoke to St. Peter

."You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said

, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shook His head before saying,

"No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected.

"Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up.

"How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarked,

"Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there,

had an affair with some nice Jewish girl,

and they're STILL talking about it!"

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There were two Catholic boys,

Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola,

whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.

In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland,

Antonio was born in Italy.
Faithfully they attended Parochial School from kindergarten

through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college,

and upon graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world,

but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola

was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop

and finallyCardinal was swift to say the least,

and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died,

it would be one ofthe two who would become the Next Pope.
In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone had expected,

white smoke rose from the chimney

and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.
The World, Catholic, Protestant and secular,

was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
Antonio Secola was beyond surprise.

He was devastated,because even with all of Timothy's gifts,

Antonio knew hewas the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals,

Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked,

"Why Timothy?"
After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were thebetter of the two, ...
but we just could not bear the thoughtof the

leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called

Pope Secola".

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Blasts from the Past

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MEN

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Things that end with 'tor

'A teacher asks her class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."

"Very good, that's a big word."

The second little girl says, "Predator."

Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Then little Johnny puts up his hand and says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,

"That is a big word too, but I don't think we can count it because it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my mum has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

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EMBED-Epic Parkour Fail Compilation - Watch more free videos

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A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather curt

with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.

The next day his secretary said

"Rabbi, several members of the congregation were really upset

with you when you cut them short yesterday."

At that point, a man who had been sitting within earshot in the

reception room got up and departed hurriedly

."Who was that?" asked the Rabbi

."Oh, that was Mr. Rothenberg." she answered.

"He wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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